work

Mixed emotions

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I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. Other then that dread I feel good. I have a lot of worries dragging me down though. I’m trying to stay positive. Not sure it will last long.

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They can’t all be winners

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That was a wonderful two days. Now today I’ve been triggered into depression by finances, work, and my son’s mental health needs.

I feel like a sweater unraveling and I don’t have the tools to crochet it back together. I’m overwhelmed which isn’t good. I’ve got a knot in my stomach and I want to through up.

Anxiety

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Anxiety is a bitch. I need to get focused but I can’t care. Maybe the drugs are working too well. Leaving me with just a smidgen of anxiety that makes me ineffective.

I realized next week I should be divorced. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Mainly I think relieved. But then I think of all that wasted time with the wrong person being miserable. You can’t think that way right?

Anyway I better find my focus and get to it. Hope everyone is warm and safe.

It never ends

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I got a new work case. Why it keeps being me not sure but for some odd reason today I don’t care. I’m feeling positive still so I’m going to enjoy it. Bipolar really is a roller coaster. Today I don’t want off.

Nope

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I had this post written complaining about work but I scraped it. I’m not going to complain today about it. I’m going to be thankful that I have a family that loves me, health insurance, and an income. I’m going to be content with myself and all my greatness and flaws. So today I will choose to write about possibilities. About a better life and a world where I can accomplish things.

Not ready

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I’m not ready to go back to work. I have four more days off and I know they will go quick. I’m starting to get anxiety from them and wanting to sleep the time away which is pointless. It really makes me realize how much this job effects me. Is it worth it? I’ve honestly tried job hunting with minimal luck. Frankly I need the insurance and pay but at what cost to my mind? I wish I didn’t care like I do. How do you get to the point you just don’t give a shit?

Crap week

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This last week ended up being super crap filled. Here’s the run down in brief…

  • My therapist made me think he cared then didn’t
  • My ex put in parenting plan he only wants one weekend a month… Who asks for less time?
  • Work in general is stressful
  • Friday night the work stress went into overdrive and spilled into today still unable to not obsess over it
  • My seventeen year old is struggling with life right now in little but dramatic if possible ways
  • Oh and my car just went kaput

But I realized I’ve survived it all. I’m here to think and breath to love and just live. And that’s a good thing.