I’m not in a mixed state today thankfully. I feel stable today. Though I have the usual work whinging. I like stable though I feel like I’m muddling through. I guess really we all are.
This year had flown by. Yet I’m still having more days of struggle them stable. Is this how being bipolar is for everyone?
I found a job I want to apply for but they want three references. I have one solid one that has nothing to do with where I work. I need two more but I’m afraid to use people I work with due to gossip and I have this fear of my boss finding out. Which is silly right?
I also am having doubts I can do the job the old me would have had the self esteem to try without doubt but this version of me is fragile.
I make poor choices. I stay at this unfulfilling job for pay and benefits. I know I whine about it a lot. And I’ve had opportunities to leave but it’s like a toxic relationship I can’t quit. But I finally realize I want more. I want to get up in the morning and most days have a reason to care to go.
It made me think I need to go of my meds. I was happier then I think or at least life had more passion. But that’s probably a bad idea huh? I can’t find recovery medicated how can I unmedicated?
I’m in anxiety overload. I can’t find the words to tell my boss I messed up. I’m just sitting here being ineffective. Now she’s out of the office. I’m already over this week. Please send prayers and calming vibes.
You reap what you sow. I have messed up at work. I got a call on Sunday… Today… About it. Nothing I can do until tomorrow when I have to tell my boss I messed up and did some major self sabotage. Why do I do this. Do I want to get fired? I don’t understand myself. Ugh. I don’t want tomorrow to come but I’m not suicidal. I just want it to be groundhogs day and this day play over and over again. The weird thing is I’m numb about it. I should be more concerned but I’m not and that scares me. What does it all mean?
Ex made scene at hospital with the help of my mom. Awesome.
I’m getting a cold again that’s settling into my chest. Wonderful.
I am not doing well at telling myself no. Spending or food consumption.
I want a nap and three months off work… Sigh a girl can dream.
My work give a damn is broken I officially realized today. I’m not sure what to do about it. Do I go on existing as it’s decent pay and good benefits or do I find something else. Is never being content a mental illness thing? Would I be any happier elsewhere? Blah.