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Daily word prompt — succumb

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Often I want to succumb to the dark. Lie in bed and wallow. Sometimes I do … as sleep often feels like my only refuge. In general though I get up and get done the bare minimum. To be fair sometimes more then that but I feel that’s a rarity. 

I had weird dreams last night which work thoughts invaded. It has left me anxious. I regret moving offices. That’s the thing about regret you can’t take it back. Or can you? 


This is how I feel at work. I wish I wasn’t so quite. But I feel like I’m often in emotional overload a lot of the time. I dream of a different job but insurance and pay is too much. Until I get to the point I’m failing which I fear I’m already there.

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World mental health day-count your blessings

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I read an awesome post where the person (Blog link here) counted their blessings to stay positive. I am going to follow suit because in spite of my mental health I am functioning. Some days better than others but still 😀

I have three boys I’m raising. I love them so much.

A relationship where I am supported even if some days I don’t let him know the full me.

My parents though opinionated love me and again support me. 

I do have a job and now a job prospect as I got a chance at a second interview. 

I got chosen for the bipolar genetics study. Super excited. 

I have this community.

And I know more but that’s a decent list. Please share your positives on this world mental health day.

Waiting

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Why do I get anxious waiting for therapy to begin? It doesn’t help that he’s always running behind. 

My dad was very blunt and said he didn’t think I could be successful in sales. But do what I want. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I respect his candidness but it sucks being told you’ll fail. They haven’t called me for a second interview so I don’t think I got picked anyway. 

I guess life will go on either way and today I’m thankful for that. 

Naysayers

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I think my job interview went well. It’s a two step process. I’ll know tomorrow if I get to go to the second interview. It’s completely commission based. 90% of me knows I can do this. The other ten percent is yelling loudly in my ear. Plus I don’t know if my parents will support it and frankly they financially help me a lot. So it matters. Keep sending positive clarifying thoughts. I need to know what to do. 

Was doing good

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I was doing good until the end of my day. There was a work issue and now I’m obsessing. I’ve talked to my boss about it. It’s just not sitting well with me. I want to self medicate with alcohol but no money to buy any. It’s for the best. I’m thinking of taking an extra dose of klonopine but that’d probably be a bad idea too. I just want these thoughts out of my head. 😦 

I have a job interview Monday for a totally different field. I want to take it just on principal but I’m pretty sure it’s a commission job and well I need a steady income. I’m asking for thoughts and prayers for clarity again. 

Cancer sucks

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My son’s cancer is stable meaning there is something lighting up on his scans but they are not sure if still cancer or scar tissue. We go back to waiting to see if it grows. I’m heartbroken. This has spun me into a depression. Coupled with work stress it’s too much. I’m desperate for relief. Do I take a pay cut for the chance at something less stressful? I think it will get better soon but waiting it out is hard. 

Waiting 

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I’m waiting for my son’s MRI to be done. It’s going over time wise and I’m worried. 

I signed up for the DNA test for bipolar. I’m excited. I hope I get picked. 

Therapy went well. Though he didn’t seem to know how deep we could go in the aspect that bipolar is chemical so you can’t “cure” it with therapy. But making some of the ways I handle situations better would be an improvement. This would usually derail me but not this time. Of course I’m on the stable side of things so optimistic

He does think I’m bipolar one though which I found interesting. No one as far as I know as diagnosed me with one. He also said the fact I have kept my job for so long is amazing. So that was cool. 

Anyway I’m hoping my son will be done soon. It’s a half hour over time like I said a little worrisome.