Be the person

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I haven’t been given much work to do. My intermediate supervisor has been sick. So I just sit here twiddling my fingers. Yesterday I had a full day but other then that it’s been a long week. I had a panic attack in the middle of the night last night. Not sure what triggered it.

I hope to be better at this job then I was in the past. I feel like a fraud like I’m not as good as they think. It’s this self worth issue that eats away at your soul.

I want to be the person who cares but not so much it bothers me internally. I want to remain kind hearted but tough when it calls for it. I want to be the positive change.


Here I sit

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I was hopeful I’d get this position I wanted at my now new old job but I heard through the grapevine I won’t. I think I made wrong choices and now have to deal with that.

I’m not surprised I don’t get to move to the position I want as I just started but I’m sad over it. I’m resolved to still do the best I can no matter what but I guess it’s just disappointing. I could have had that job if I stayed but I chose to leave. Then I chose to come back which I am thankful for but still disappointed. I’m sorry this post is all over the place it’s just ugh. But damn it I got this.

Dear self in 2019

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I start back tomorrow to my old job that was so stressful but I have the hindsight to appreciate it. I just pray I’m in a better headspace to handle the chaos. I need the stability and benefits it gave me. I must say I feel good in my choice to come back. No waffling.

Here’s to a better night sleep and a great day tomorrow.


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This is my back yard four hours ago. There is twice as much snow now. It’s beautiful.

I’m in good spirits but a little apprehensive since I go back to my old job Tuesday. I am actually a little melancholy about leaving the new old one today.

I have the next three days off. I’m going to try and focus on getting my house together. Wish me luck lol

Today is definitely better than yesterday. I think life is a roller coaster even without bipolar. Just got to learn to regulate my emotions. That is the trick.

Just six months

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I think i’m in a much better headspace then six months ago but I have a low stress job. I do wonder if I can keep this self love train going. It seems I’ve been pretty stable since the new year and I like it. No it’s not been perfect but tolerable. I feel different… more content. I’m anxious about this next week. I don’t have enough work to see me through so i’m afraid it’ll be a long week. I’m just babbling I think at this point but it’s what’s on my mind. Thanks for listening.


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I have insurance again so I have an appt Monday with pdoc. I’m praying she lets me keep my klonopin. I’m fat from addicted to it and I truly use it as needed. With going back to a more stressful job I will benefit from it. I am just worried as she had mentioned getting me off it before. And I hate sounding like a drug seeker which I feel a lot of doctors think people are nowadays. I know if I can’t have it … I will be fine but it’s still bullshit I am sitting here worrying about it. Grrr so I guess the picture up there is wrong. My meds don’t stop me from caring. Though I remember the days it was like that. I’d rather have the anxiety then be a zombie. Still why can’t their be a happy medium?

Good news

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I got my job back contingent on a clear fingerprints. I’ve never been arrested so unless someone stole my identity I’m good there. I start the 19th as that Monday is a state holiday. What a burden that has been lifted. Thank you for all your prayers and positive thoughts.

Now to prepare to go back to some toxicity. I’ve seen the alternative so I feel I have a different perspective so fingers crossed it’s bearable.