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Apprehension

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So I got the position I wanted. Now I’m apprehensive if I made the right choice. Time will tell. Life is hard damn it. Choices come and go and you can’t predict the future.

Environment 

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This is what I’m trying to do with my work atmosphere but I’m fearful it’s backfired. We shall see. I have a therapy appt in two weeks closer to where I’ll be commuting to work. She’s a female. I haven’t tried a female therapist in a long time maybe I’ll have better luck. I know I’ve gone too long without therapy though. If she doesn’t work out I still have the appt with the guy in the town the opposite way in September. It’s just he will be a pain drive wise now so I think it won’t work out logistically. Anyway I’m excited for therapy is that silly? 

Thoughts overload

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Today I am having a thoughts overload day. Tomorrow I have a hearing at work I’m stressed about and it makes my mind do terrible mean things to myself. To counteract it all I’m going to be generous and kind to myself. I’m going to take a shower straighten my hair to look good tomorrow and put on makeup. I’m going to replace each negative thought with two positives. I’m going to work hard at not letting the negativity take over. Wish me luck ­čÖé

Mind games

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Why do people play mind games? I had my interview it went well. I think I get to transfer. My one boss first said I had no worries in getting it that was Friday then today when I asked for a specific cubicle was like how do you know you got it. Wtf! I can’t win with this paranoia. I hate mind games and passive aggressive bullshit. Maybe people without bipolar and borderline personality disorder can deal but I can’t. I want to scream. I feel all alone and out of control and things were so pleasant yesterday. Ugh. 

Conflicted

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I’m so conflicted and overwhelmed. I got the job which was an ego boost but turned it down. Making life choices is hard. I can’t say it enough thank you all for your support. It truly does help. 

I’m going for a different county which means a commute. It may be good to have the drive to decompress. I just know I need a change. 

Right now I could use a hug. I don’t feel depressed I just need some human connection. I don’t have friends. My bf works nights so I don’t see him much. I’m just lonely on top of conflicted and overwhelmed. It’s like I’m constantly in mixed states. Or is that baseline for more? Ugh I don’t know.

Self indulgent pity party

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I feel like I’m having a self indulgent pity party right now. I am so tired and anxious at same time. Stupid work and rumors. I feel I make poor decisions all the time. Constantly second guess myself. How do I function in this world? My mind is a tired mess. I can’t even strong together a decent post but I wanted to try to write it out. It does usually help.

Update on today

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I’ve had a whirlwind day. First I had to take my middle son to er for weak legs. It was decided it had nothing to do with the mesh graft or cancer. It was his potassium and might be a genetics thing that runs in my family. We go to the pediatrician tomorrow for a follow up. 


I heard through the grapevine I got the promotion but I’m thinking I’m not going to take it. I’m going to take a different county job. It’s not a promotion but I think I will be happier and enough of a change to do me good without spinning me out of control. With that being said… I’m going to ask for vibes and prayers again on what to do. I need clarity still. Maybe tomorrow I’ll share a pros and cons list and you guys can give me feedback.