I didn’t wake up deciding that today will be the day i take control of my eating habits. Half way through i decided to and i feel motivated in a way i haven’t in a long time.
I know for me the hardest part will be the psychological scars i have to overcome. Food has always been my friend. It doesn’t judge or make me feel unworthy. I have 43 years of being wired this way.
The thing is it’s worse at night. I need strategies to stay on course. Because something had to happen at nighttime for me to need that comfort. I just have no honest clue what.
I sit here feeling fear of failure once again. But i do feel it’s different as it’s me understanding it’s not just what i eat but my relationship with food. Before i feel i thought it was more will power. I see now it’s triggers and making real changes. Im a poor choice maker. I need to figure how to change that then i can be more successful.
I know change is hard… boy do i know but i can do this. I just have to try or better yet just do.
So I feel I’m emotionally fairly stable or at least on a path to slow myself down before I get out of hand. This year is about physically get healthy. Years of binge eating and generally self medicating worth food has taken a toll on my body. And anyone with bipolar or borderline personality disorder usually have self worth our esteem issues. I am no exception.
I say the above because I’m fighting the urge to say fuck it and binge eat because my husband in his effort (giving the benefit of the doubt here) to motivate me pointed to a family portrait from two years ago and said I looked gorgeous at that weight. Which mind you was not skinny but thin for me. I’ve been binge eating since I can remember even as a child. This is A) just cruel and B) reminds me of my mom when I was a child and she was constantly on about my weight and having my thyroid checked or saying”motivational” things like maybe I’d get a date if I lost weight. Wtf!
Right now I’m staying strong and am trying some dbt mindfulness to rationalize I don’t want to binge and I need to just tell him know how I feel so I can let it go. Of course this little blog helps get it out too. I already feel calmer. 🙂
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