weight issues

Unexpected side effect. .. *** trigger alert

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I am thankful my fog is lifting and I have a proper diagnosis. I am not thankful for the clearer head that sees, feels, and knows all the bad choices, I made all those years trying to act as if I did not have mental health issues. I had gastric bypass five years ago. I almost died to be skinny. I went from almost 400 lbs to under 200 hundred. Then I could give a lot of excuses and some very legit ones but they won’t chance that I have gained over a hundred of it back.

I feel shame, hatred, and disgust with myself. I don’t know how to NOT be a binge/compulsive eater. I am so filled with these feelings that at 37 I am desperate to feel the release that teens and twenty year old’s do. Here is the quick thought snippet unedited I wrote yesterday.

Binge ate on chips want something d sweet bad. Now feel physically sick. .. hate myself and really want to kill self them thought of Cutting as viable way to Stop The Binge eating all i really know is I’m fucked up

Saturday, April 12, 2014 1:24pm

In the moment when I wrote this, I really think I would have cut my thigh or stomach if I knew how to do it. I thought about googling how people do it safely. WHAT THE FUCK! The thing that stopped me was if anyone on my phone or computer saw the google search then they would know my shame. I couldn’t have that as children just now reaching puberty. So I took some klonopine and slept. Today I feel the same way but it isn’t as strong. I have kept myself busy and then found this picture on facebook and decided to share my struggle no matter how embarrassing or shameful.

I want to change my eating habits. I know I feel better as I notice when I binge it causes my anxiety to skyrocket and get stomach aches. I will have my self esteem back. I will have at least one of these demons (I feel the bipolar II is chemical and biological but the eating disorder NOS and borderline personality disorder I think are more of a nurture/poor coping skills symptoms that has become a mental health illness — hope that made sense!) in recovery. Then I will believe there is a chance of recovery/remission (what ever the fuck it’s called) because I really don’t. But that is a whole other post for a whole other day.

Comments, questions, random thoughts please leave them below. And don’t forget to check out and follow my social media sights!

Daily prompt confidence

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I forgot I follow on WordPress the daily prompt. Today is confidence. It encourages you to write about what you are good at and what you could be more confident in.

I believe I am great at my job. I think though not perfect mom I do a great job at being the best I am capable of. Which in my line of work I can judge that with professional confidence. Lol

Now I am not confident in my perceptions of my self. Physically with my weight gain and emotionally as I am less self absorbed and more self aware. Normally a plus it can cause anxiety waiting for the change or improvement to solidify.

I also need to grow my confidence in following my dream of being a makeup artist and photographer. I need to stay focused as good things are given it takes hard work right?

Please share your confidence positives and struggles below.