Mediocrity

I was laying here resting when my thoughts began to wonder. I realize I’ve been mediocre my whole life. It’s depressing me as all I wanted to be in life is special. Sadly I’m not any more special then anyone else. All my hips and dreams as a child are gone. I’m fearful my oldestContinue reading “Mediocrity”

Self esteem

I’m having anxiety over next weekend. I’m suppose to go out with my friends for my birthday. I haven’t went out dancing in over two years and easily fifty pounds lighter. All I can think of is how drunk I need to get to not care that I won’t be hit on. Is that stupid?Continue reading “Self esteem”

Did I share this already? I don’t think I did. I think it speaks volumes. I have been triggered left and right lately. Mainly I’m cleaning my scrapbook room and running across different photos that remind me of the life I had in Iowa. I miss having friends. I miss being vivacious and fun. HowContinue reading

Triggers

Now that my meds are being lowered and I’m getting feelings back… I’m also getting triggered a lot. Today I got advised of something I do when my meds are in a different place which is job hunt. I didn’t realize but it’s true. Unfortunately being told this has made me sad. I’m thinking I’mContinue reading “Triggers”

I need a hug

Today ended up being shitty. I was triggered all day then had family drama. I’m beside myself. I wish life was simpler. I feel so unloved. I got told no one would have stuck around due to me and my parents relationship. That I’m too close to them. I’m an only child I have noContinue reading “I need a hug”

Sabotage ****trigger alert

I wanted to kill myself last night I called the crisis line and she talked me through. I still want too. I’m waiting to see pdoc. I already had an appt for this am. I want to be put in the hospital but afraid she’ll say no. I’m self sabotaging my life. My work andContinue reading “Sabotage ****trigger alert”

Once again I’m struggling

I can’t shake this cloud. I feel I’m making poor choices and I care but the not giving a Damn is in full working order. What is reality and truth and what is false people and reality. The longer the week goes the darker my feelings and the more I act out. It’s emotional cuttingContinue reading “Once again I’m struggling”

Depressed and Angry or Hypomania and Angry?

Starting yesterday I felt a switch in my brain. Depression. I am filled with hatred at the world and everything in it…. including myself. It is confusing as hypo mania shows as anger as well. I am trying to have mindfulness of knowing which side of the pendelum I am on. I do think itContinue reading “Depressed and Angry or Hypomania and Angry?”

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