I don’t know why I’m triggered to binge eat at night. I sit here obsessing over wanting to eat something. I know I’m not hungry. It’s so frustrating. I have therapy Thursday I’ll see if she can help me figure it out. Though I’m finding her not very effective.
I was laying here resting when my thoughts began to wonder. I realize I’ve been mediocre my whole life. It’s depressing me as all I wanted to be in life is special. Sadly I’m not any more special then anyone else. All my hips and dreams as a child are gone. I’m fearful my oldest is too much like me and has a lot of potential but will remain mediocre. I was thinking of his school work and how he could get a’s but settles for b’s. On the plus side socially he seems to do better than me. He’s not all emotional and as far as I can tell he doesn’t write poetry about dying. Still is out ok to be mediocre? Can’t we all be special in some way?
I’m having anxiety over next weekend. I’m suppose to go out with my friends for my birthday. I haven’t went out dancing in over two years and easily fifty pounds lighter. All I can think of is how drunk I need to get to not care that I won’t be hit on. Is that stupid? I don’t want to cancel because I don’t want to be a hermit anymore. Maybe I should just go out to eat and a movie. But then I’ll have the regret of letting my self esteem get to me. But then I’m afraid I’ll get triggered into a depression by someone saying something about me. Sigh 😦
A flaw I have is my inability to stay mindful. I know it can work and stop triggers but I find myself getting caught up in the drama and chaos of my mind. Do you have any tips on being mindful?
Did I share this already? I don’t think I did. I think it speaks volumes. I have been triggered left and right lately. Mainly I’m cleaning my scrapbook room and running across different photos that remind me of the life I had in Iowa. I miss having friends. I miss being vivacious and fun. How do I find that person again?
Now that my meds are being lowered and I’m getting feelings back… I’m also getting triggered a lot. Today I got advised of something I do when my meds are in a different place which is job hunt. I didn’t realize but it’s true. Unfortunately being told this has made me sad. I’m thinking I’m embarrassed to be so transparent. Or maybe it was the person I was talking to and getting called out. Or maybe it’s just being different. Why do our brains work in such confusing patterns? Maybe I’m stressing myself for nothing. But it totally triggered me. Boo hoo
Do you get triggered easily?
Today ended up being shitty. I was triggered all day then had family drama. I’m beside myself. I wish life was simpler. I feel so unloved. I got told no one would have stuck around due to me and my parents relationship. That I’m too close to them. I’m an only child I have no other family. Maybe I do let them meddle too much at the same time I have three boys to think about. And the issue at hand is about raising them right.
I’m all over the place in my mind and this post. I’m sorry. I’d be more specific but not an anonymous blog. Anyway if you could sent positive vibes or prayers my way I’d appreciate it.