I’m ready for the weekend. I have a few things planned. Just got to get through today. My mood is weird I’m in a good mood but stressed. So there is a line of tension. I went home early yesterday and slept all day. I think my body needed it.
The ex finally got a lawyer and is contesting some divorce things. This is not helping my stress levels. I’m scared it’ll be a battle and to think I was nice and generous I felt. But then again in his best interest I guess to have his own…though I’m not sure what there is to contest it was the usual with these things. Grrr.
I’ve been spending money like crazy I need to get back on track. It just brings me some relief like food does. If I get the transfer I’ll need to find a therapist in my work area. Maybe I can get in before September. Let’s hope.
I requested my money back and instead of trying to keep me as a client with a discount and new therapist they straight refunded my money per an email. I hope it’s true without hassle. Very disappointed. What is wrong with me that I can’t find a therapist that works out? Also I think it’s sad they didn’t try to keep me but am thankful they are refunding me.
This therapy online isn’t going as I thought. He’s only checked in three times in four days. I thought I paid for more check ins. I’m really confused and it’s not helping plus I went on a limb affording it. I said something so I guess I’ll wait for a reply on what he says. Plus customer service hasn’t gotten back to me either. I just have the worst luck with therapy.
So I signed up for online therapy. I need something to bridge the gap until September and maybe having someone there daily will be worth it. I’m waiting to be matched up. I feel like the last kid being picked for scooter soccer in elementary school. I guess it takes awhile to find matches. I’m ready to start spoiling my guts. So I’m super anxious. Can you tell lol
I don’t know why I’m having a hard time finding a therapist. Yesterday (since it’s two am) I had an appt. I was so anxious for it I almost cancelled but didn’t want that cancellation fee out of pocket. Anyway I felt the judgment from him that I’m seeing someone and I’m not even divorced. He said I need to role model for my kids and my ex could use it against me in the divorce. This made me feel like a horrible parent and paranoid. The thing is my ex told my boys about my friend. I felt it was adult business but he went there so they are curious to meet him. It’s difficult to know when is best for these things. This relationship is more then a fling. He is quickly becoming a best friend. Something I never had before.
Anyway then it turned even darker with at least fifteen minutes of how I need to eat healthier and exercise. That I can give any excuse in the world I just need to do it. I was like first wtf second let’s figure out why food is comfort to me. Let’s dig deep and have an ah ha moment. But no instead it was he does it so I should too!
I don’t know what to do I can’t keep going through therapists. I’m running out of options in my small town. But I need someone who will dig deep and at the very least not mention a word about themselves!
The biggest take away from group therapy I received in the hospital was that I was/am angry at God for my mental health issues. I never saw myself as an angry person. Apathetic yes. But I was/am I put both was and am as I feel at peace with my anger at God but I don’t think I’m done with it. If that makes any sense. Like I bet it will flare up again because damn it no one deserves this. Why does it even exist?
Anyway to help resolve my anger and to help with isolation I’ve decided to find a church to start attending. Just for my own peace of mind I’ll put in this disclaimer… I believe in God but I also believe you can believe in something someone or nothing and be just as “saved” again hope that made sense… Ok so I even vocalize to a friend and she is going to start going with me too. I am almost excited.
I learned other things about myself but this is the biggest one I think so I felt like sharing first. I missed you all and as always I appreciate your support.
I am switching therapists to someone closer to home instead of closer to work since I’ll be switching locations. I’m anxious and ready for twelve thirty when I can leave work. I know the first one is about family history and goals. I hope he is good but it’s really a crap shoot. Wish me luck 🙂