self worth

Good heart

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This is so true today. I’m full of worry that I’m not good enough. I received a comment last week that I’m too hard on myself and it’s true. The thing is I try to be kind but some moments I just don’t know what that looks like. How do you start being realistic in your expectations of self?

My prayer for you

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I struggle even on my good days with self worth but we all do deserve more.

Today is better

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Today is better but I long for days where I am confident and free of indecisiveness. I’m going to work hard to get there.

Things I like about myself

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I’m feeling very sorry for myself right now and I saw another blogger write about things they like about themselves. So I’m going to try it and see if it helps.

I work hard.
I’m a good mother.
I’m empathetic.
I care about this community.
I have good intentions.
I want to do good in this world.
I like my eyes.
I love whole heartedly.
I am a survivor.

That’s a pretty good list huh? What do you like about yourself?

Eating brains

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This is where I’m at today. I keep replaying the weekend in my mind. It’s like I’m trying to torment myself. Another day I might have no brains left πŸ™‚ my therapist told me about this mindfulness acronym by Tara brach

Recognize what’s going on…. I am fearful of getting into trouble at work or being thought of as not good enough.

Allowing: taking a life giving pause… I’ve tried this several times. When I do it, it works.

Investigating with kindness… Where is this feeling coming from… Most likely my childhood which I am delving into in therapy.

Natural loving awareness… This is where your at peace with your emotion and I’m obviously not there.

I recommend googling it as I did. It is helping until I get a mini panic attack of unworthiness ( yes I made that word up) πŸ™‚

When the mind revolts

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As I said yesterday I am reading Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth. I am into chapter two and my mind is revolting. The core of me wants to read more and become enlightened. Then there is a part of me that wants to not read it. Not sure which is winning. The fact I am sitting here writing this instead of reading might be a tell tale sign. lol

So far here are some nuggets I want to share that I have underlined from chapter one. This is not a book review but my sharing some mind blowing ideas I am trying to understand.

I am not sure how in blogging you are suppose to give credit but on page nine of my book he writes …”According to Christian teachings, the normal collective state of humanity is on of “original” sin. Sin is a word that has been greatly misunderstood and misinterpreted. Literally translated from the ancient Greek in which the New Testament was written, to sin means to miss the mark as in an archer who misss the target, so to sin means to miss the point of human existence It means to live unskillfully, blindly, and thus to suffer and cause suffering. Again, the term, striped of its cultural baggage and misinterpretation, points to the dysfunction inherent in the human condition.”

Boom mind blown. I have always said the bible has been re-written to fit the Catholics during the stone ages. I am not trying to get religious and argumentative in this post but people couldn’t read and it was up to the monks to translate and share with the masses. So my thinking in this passage is sin is missing out on the grace of God or the freeing enlightenment he can bring you. It’s not about being the perfect Christian but being a person who is without ego or judgement.

Page 13. “You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness.”

Ugh… I wish I could free my mind and really get deep into the passage. I always feel bad. Like I am never good enough. How do I let my goodness emerge? I am hoping the book delves more into it.

Lastly, page 14… “to recognize one’s own insanity is, of course, the arising of sanity, the beginning of healing and transcendence.”

I recognize I have a mental illness. I do not think I am insane but in the book he connects the ego with insanity and being mad. I am not sure I like those kind of terms but I think he is using it liberally. what I do like is the idea I can recover from my mental illness to the point of being free of anxiety, worry, and depression. I want those things. But ultimately how do you get them?

So this is my journey for right now. I plan on keeping writing about the book. I am hoping it forces me to stick with it. I know there are some good things I can garner from it. I am ready to be a better person and be more free.

Depressed and Angry or Hypomania and Angry?

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Starting yesterday I felt a switch in my brain. Depression. I am filled with hatred at the world and everything in it…. including myself. It is confusing as hypo mania shows as anger as well. I am trying to have mindfulness of knowing which side of the pendelum I am on.

I do think it is depression. Suicidal ideation is back. Wanting to drink, overspend, binge, and eat klonopine. The hyper sexual thoughts are gone. The main reason I think it is the depression side. I think for the last three weeks I have been more on a hypo swing BUT maybe I have been where my “normal” is. Trying to figure this out is daunting. Trying to learn triggers is daunting. I do appreciate knowing to look for them instead of being oblivious to my true mental illness. Breaking the cycles though are proving harder.

I have always needed to feel special. I emotionally cut myself on the past trying to hold or re-capture that feeling of being important to people. My main issue and a great point hubby made on Sunday is I give so much of myself. I project this caring, loving, empathetic person. I do think I am those. I don’t believe this is a all fake. The issue is I do it selfishly and when the person doesn’t acknowledge or recipocate Β the same way I am left obsessive and resentful/angered.

Thus the quote above. I NEVER know when to let toxic people go. I ALWAYS let myself take one act of attention pull me into an obsessive need to have some connection constantly. I cant get it through my mind to enjoy the moment and let it be a good memory instead of some neediness deep within that I hang my self worth upon.

I am going to put my energy (or force my energy) into productive things like cleaning my messy house and deciding what I want to add to my city wide garage sale stuff. That way I can work this shit out amd feel accomplished! Wish me luck πŸ˜€

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