Something funny is going on

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Do you ever just know something changed in a relationship and you’re too scared to ask? I feel something is off and i think i know what it is but it’s partly my fault and i don’t know how to fix it. I’ve been down this road before. This time i am more self aware. Maybe there is no soul mate for me. Most likely i need to be ok with it. I feel ambivalent to it all but at the same time I’m something else i just can’t put my finger on it.

romantic movies and novels are Bullshit!

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Ha how is that for a title.  Yesterday I reblogged a post a wonderful writer wrote about emotional cutting.  You can find the original here. It has me thinking and realizing all kinds realizations. I have for years ranted how movies and books make horrible expectations of love and romance. No one can live up to all that at least not for the long haul. And we all know once the i got chu comes on we as humans get less romantic. Women stop putting thier makeup on start wearing seat pants and gain ten pounds. Men start hanging with their buddies, stop buying just because gifts and saying sweet romantic things. It is ok and reality.

The bullshit is we as women (or is it just me? ) read fifty shades of grey and want the total unyielding devotion of a handsome rich broken man. I watched two romantic movies this weekend. I was like a crack Addict watching them. Nervous of the crash and end of the movie yet glued to My tv enjoying the euphoria of the lightning live that two people can meet and fall in love in a week. I watched the very formula on point (cough Austenland) love story four times before returning it. Each time tormenting myself questioning why i have never had that kind of love …but i did at twenty and threw it all away our pretty damn close. I threw it all away so i then emotionally cut myself with regret and horrible thoughts of his wife dying do we can have a new movie story. The one I was fantasizing about when i threw our love away.

The second movie was more gut wrenching as it was more realistic but still had the fucking happy ending. Life has real consequences damn it and hurts can’t just be forgiven by stalking the person! !!!!!!

I found this yesterday and is perfect for this post. My dreams do torment me with the past and it makes me think I am meant to seek the person out. Only to internet dual them and see their happy without me life. Not them pining away for my perfect personality and love. PUCK! If I keep the below I’m mind…. I will get a chuckle and put things in perspective. Bahahaha

As always I welcome your thoughts and opinions so feel free to comment or ask questions below. I am writing an update in my pdoc appointment but i am so saddened and disgusted it is taking me awhile to find the right and honest words. .. did that make sense?

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Boundaries — Chapter One

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I decided to journal through the book like a review/catharsis kind of thing. So without any further adieu I have finished Chapter One of Boundaries — When To Say Yes When To Say  No To Take Control of Your Life.

The beginning of the book is a day in a life of a women who has resentment, lethargic  resentment, and doubt. Basically Me. It is God based and I am thankful for that but I could see how it could turn off others. Overall other than relating to the women in the “story” I found these excerpts pertinent.

Woman or man, we can all identify with Sherrie’s
dilemma—her isolation, her helplessness, her confusion, her
guilt. And, above all, her sense that her life is out of control.
Look closely at Sherrie’s circumstances. Parts of Sherrie’s
life may be remarkably similar to your own. Understanding her
struggle may shed light on yours. You can immediately see a few
answers that don’t work for Sherrie.
First, trying harder isn’t working. Sherrie expends lots of
energy trying to have a successful life. She isn’t lazy. Second,
being nice out of fear isn’t working. Sherrie’s people-pleasing
efforts don’t seem to bring her the intimacy she needs. Third,taking responsibility for others isn’t working. A master of taking care of the feelings and problems of others, Sherrie feels like her life is a miserable failure. Sherrie’s unproductive energy, fearful  niceness, and over responsibility point to the core problem: Sherrie suffers from severe difficulties in taking ownership of her life. (Page 22-23)

  • Trying harder and harder with limited results —- Check
  • Being a nice people pleaser — Check
  • Too much responsibility never saying no — Check
  • Doesn’t take ownership of my life — uhm I never thought of it this way and I don’t want to think about it being an issue so I have to go with — Check

When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they
raise good questions:

1. Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
2. What are legitimate boundaries?
3. What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
4. How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy,
or money?
5. Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting
6. How do boundaries relate to submission?
7. Aren’t boundaries selfish?

Misinformation about the Bible’s answers to these issues has
led to much wrong teaching about boundaries. Not only that, but
many clinical psychological symptoms, such as depression, anxiety
disorders, eating disorders, addictions, impulsive disorders,
guilt problems, shame issues, panic disorders, and marital and
relational struggles, find their root in conflicts with boundaries.
This book presents a biblical view of boundaries: what they
are, what they protect, how they are developed, how they are
injured, how to repair them, and how to use them. This book
will answer the above questions and more. Our goal is to help
you use biblical boundaries appropriately to achieve the relationships
and purposes that God intends for you as his child. (Page 24 End of Chapter 1)

I agree those are good scary questions and the list of psychological symptoms well I have most of them.

  • Depression
  • Anxiety Disorder
  • Eating Disorder — which is my addiction
  • Impulsive disorders
  • Guilt Problems
  • Shame Problems
  • Panic Disorders (though I think these aren’t due to Panic Disorders but a psychic thing I got going on — but that is a whole nother post)
  • Martial/Relationship problems. My marriage often suffers due to all the above and my resentment and anger. I recently had an issue at work due to my misreading a situation  where if I had boundaries in place I couldn’t put myself in saying the wrong thing that blew out of hand.

Again I am ok with the Biblical aspect of it. I am Christian who recently re-connected with God but I do believe in the possibility of reincarnation and I respect Buddhism as a theology. No matter the choice I am just ready for some concrete actualization and change.

Dear God please help my therapist…

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So I had my first therapy appointment with the fourth therapist I have ever went to. Each time I have been enlightened. This time I am more desperate and have an added issue of knowing enough of psychology to be dangerous. I am a social worker by trade. I went back to school three years ago to finish my degree. I use to be in banking. Yes a total 180 and a total culture shock. It is the one think in life I am feel I am really great at. I know I am a good Mom but I am human so it makes it hard to be great or awesome at it.

I gave him my general information and told him I think my core issue is self worth. I feel I have great self esteem as in general I think I am awesome but some how I de-value myself over all in the big picture. I am a martyr. I get resentful. I get angry. I attract alcoholics and damaged people that I mis-read and try to fulfil something in/for them and de-value myself. When he asked me why I do this. I have no real answer the closest thing I thought of was fear of failure but he doesn’t believe and it is just a guess on my end.

I have to chuckle in a sad way as he was at a lose to know how to help me. He said we have to work together to figure out the truth…. the blind spot as to why I keep de-valuing myself and self medicating with food and medication. And why I have issues with setting boundaries or mis-reading social ques when someone is toxic for me. It is so frustrating sometimes I wonder if hypnosis would help clear the blind spot. I guess I will keep thinking on it.

He did request I read the book above about understanding boundaries. I agree I need help with it so I am eager to read it. I was going to maybe read a different boundary book specific to difficult people but this one is broader and incorporates work, marriage, etc. I am excited to read it.

He wants to see me weekly of possible but I am not sure i can do that. My next one is next Thursday. I hope I have an epiphany by then 😀 the people pleaser in me wants him to be impressed. Dag nabbit… change is hard!