regret

go back in time

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I wouldn’t reset my whole life just what I chose as my career path and moving to where we live. I know being a social worker is a good career path but I think it exacerbates my mental health issues. Plus where I live is pretty isolating and that doesn’t help. Is there anything you would reset?

Let it go

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I’m struggling again today. This time it’s with my looping thoughts about the past. Silly things that don’t matter anymore. I know I need to clean my house but I can’t find the gumption. I should just put some music on and keep busy. Instead I’m outside looping and vaping. Why does the past haunt us? I know everyone has regrets but this is regretful things it’s just thoughts of what I should have said differently or done differently. I doubt anyone else is thinking about them. I can’t even pinpoint one it’s a bunch together like a movie.

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Melancholy

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This was the view of the sunset from my backyard last night. It was finally a low humidity night.

I’m feeling melancholy. These days off make me long for the the freedom of when I was laid off from Citigroup after the mortgage industry crashed. I was a hundred pounds lighter, a millions pounds of stress lighter, and the whole world in front of me. It’s silly to wish for the past but here I am obsessing.

Someone please save me from myself 😦

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Right now

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I found this on my work desk. I can’t remember if it’s mine or if someone kindly left it for me.

Makes me ponder what is my dearest wish. I thought first of something selfish. This struggle with depression and all the shit that comes with it.

But when I prayed on it and really thought my dearest wish is even more intangible. I want to go back in time and have my son Aaron never to have cancer. Or at the very least we’d made a different choice on his second surgery. And my other dearest wish is that Aaron would not be learning disabled or e figure out how to move him forward because his iq is there.

Is any if that too much to ask?  :-[

Depression

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I am fighting off a major bout of depression. I have increasing sensations and thoughts of my usual coping mechanism and it makes it hard to hide it too often. I feel lonely and hopeless and stuck in this rut of mediocrity I do not want to be part of. I know I am meant for more but I just stay stagnant and miserable. I choose for whatever blocked reason to regret the past, haunted in dreams, let past hurts haunt me, and keep my self worth low. So I am working hard to change my thinking pattern to more positive thoughts because I can’t let the pain not let me get out of bed in the mornings. I keep plugging along as the good sane part of me knows I make small difference am not mediocre just human. I am raising good children the best I can considering they all have different needs. Like night and day my boys are and I love them. Without them I probably would not be here. I don’t let them know that though. That is grown up thoughts best left in my head most of the time.

I am just fatigued …. tired of this eternal loop of mental illness that won’t let me go. I take my medication like I should and have been going to therapy. Hell I read or attempt to read self help books. The want is there but the puzzle piece to solidify my motivation is buried under loads of excuses.

Ah well.. if anything I have learned in life is all this passes and we make our beds that we must sleep restlessly in. I am not any exception to any life rule so at least I am not alone in my mediocrity.

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Sadly thus us how I feel about…

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Some of my family right now. Even as a social worker, I am not immune to family drama and hatefulness. it makes me happy I’m am only child but more invested as once my parents and grandma die its just me and my kids.

I yelled at my 86 year old grandma today because she has caused so much tension. I bawled at work and my Co workers consoled me and gave me practical advice.

Sadly I feel like the picture above. She is beyond reason and though I know she can’t help it I think she can. ???? Just so emotional and confusing.

So that’s my main thoughts of the day. Thanks for reading if you got this far  🙂

Happy New Year!

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OMG I have already acted a fool into the New Year, Why is it the older we get the more we sober up and become embarrassed by our fragmented memories of the night? I am not sure it is made better by it being sadly just my parents and children. I think I am bothered by my children being exposed to their drunk Mom. It rarely happens as I don’t drink much BUT man I guess I was in rare form. Just having a teenager makes my choices that much more important. And with three boys I feel a sense of showing them what a lady should be right. Problem is I ain’t no lady. I just want to be so much more! It is kind of fitting for my word of the year.

Did you get the theme and word of the year yet? Should I be done beating the dead horse?

Resentment, regret, embarrassment all those things are not helping my mental illness issues. I haven’t posted much as I have been on vacation and well doing nothing. But it feels good. I have a post started explaining how this realization I need to let go of these embarrassing regrets, the stiffling resentment, and constant worry of wanting what other’s have.

Last year it was about finding passion in myself and for life. I think reflecting back I have that. I worked hard at regaining my sense of self and trying to find some self worth. (Which IMO is way different then self confidence) I have learned to not make my self worth all on my marriage and my work but on myself. It is not perfect but it is improved. I am grateful for that. So logically figuring out how to be less envious, resentful, and regretful is an excellent goal for the new year.

I remember when I was 18. I was YOLO before YOLO was cool (ha anyone know the song I am referencing… anyone???? UGH I am old lol) I was going to live my fucking life without regret. I was going to make a choice and that was it. But then reality and consequence in life set in and well I have many regrets. Children will do that to ya or at least if you are a good parent. Humans are people full of mistakes. It is how we forgive ourselves and others that make us or break us.

Well I think I will end my thoughts here. I do plan on writing more frequently on this blog as I love writing and sharing. It’s good for my mental health and self worth 😀 And I will have my part two of the striking AH HA moment when I realized fully the extent of my resentment and envy issues.

May God, Allah, Pagan, and Wiccan, And Buddha (I like him the best but love God — Had to add that as I want a good year 😀 ) bring you and yours an awesome New Year. I am thankful to the folks who read this and who have started following. It warms my heart when I get the email I am being followed. Now I need to return the favor and take time to follow you guys as well. I beleive in receiving and giving (wink wink nudge nudge) oh geez gonna regret that when I sober up more and re-read this babbling post! HA

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