It is clear to me I don’t know the difference between normal feelings and mania. This weekend I thought I might be manic. But when I went to the psych dr today she thought it sad a stable mood since i’m getting sleep. It makes me kinda sad I don’t know the difference but I think she’s right.
The ugh part in the title is she said I want manic then said I could try lithium. I don’t get manic often so not sure I want to try it. I think it’s a miracle worker but very harsh right? Like your hair falls out which mine already has and you need constant blood work or am I wrong? I’m happy to get feedback on it if you have an opinion.
On the plus side I kept my klonopin. So worry averted.
I told a select few about my diagnosis and how happy I am that I really feel I was diagnosed correctly.
The females were kind and understanding. The males were either meh or wanted to “lecture” me that Bi-polar is a generic favorite diagnosis now a days… like PTSD is or years ago schizophrenia was. Ummm… I get what is being said but it is very unsupportive when we are not for real friends like that. That is what I get for sharing with the wrong people but then again I don’t really feel men and women can be friends easily (once again another rant for another day) And well I don’t know what I expected.
Now you may ask why I would even tell people about my diagnosis well it was two fold. I want the support and I am not ashamed. I am relieved and probably in my Bi Polar mind I love the attention of it. It is way cooler to be bi polar then a sad gutless severe depressed suicidal person (Just to clarify I don’t think or that have that opinion of people but i said it more because I always feel that -personally – when I get suicidally depressed. Like that is what people are saying or thinking about me.) And let’s face it I can’t keep shit in. I am a fairly open book and too much which is why I get annoyed when I think about how long it took my psych doctor to diagnose me.
Anyway for the first time in my life — not even when my son got diagnosed with cancer or I was going through my separation — do I feel I can really tell who my “real” friends are versus ones who say they want to be or pretend to be. I am too old for fake shit! And I have my own issues to deal with I can’t add on someone else’s.
Ok so I just wanted to do an update and share my newest revelation. The new med is going well. The side effects are there but weird and not too scary. Manly nausea which I am going to live with because it’s not the end of the world to feel better and sadly I want the weight lose. Not standing to eat helps with that — duh right? Though the mental illness underlying and the years of emotionally coping with food are still there quietly saying you know you want to eat then the other voice goes no.. not really. It is so weird to actually feel real hunger.
Well I should go to bed as the headaches do suck and I need some rest anyway.
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