mental illness sucks
Or a different title… Angela why are you a fuck up? This is a post you could say is pensive or whiny depending on your mood or interpretation.
Why do I make choices I know are bad for me?
Why do I lie to myself about my intentions?
Why do I make those choices then regret them and feel poorly about myself?
I know this is vague but really the choices I make that are poor are often mundane things I let eat at me. Some are huge and I know I will regret them but still. I make them, WHen I was eighteen I always said I was going to make choice in life and have no regrets, HA what a childish joke. I use to live so fearlessly. Where is that person now? Where is that girl who could be outrageous and not feel anxious the person will hate her for being herself,
All I am now is one anxiety ball that I created myself. I am such bullshit. Fuck me and my shitty ass choices. It’s time to buckle up buttercup and care more for yourself so you can forgive (see that what I did there??? you’d know if you read my last post 😀 ) your past and embrace your future.
Starting yesterday I felt a switch in my brain. Depression. I am filled with hatred at the world and everything in it…. including myself. It is confusing as hypo mania shows as anger as well. I am trying to have mindfulness of knowing which side of the pendelum I am on.
I do think it is depression. Suicidal ideation is back. Wanting to drink, overspend, binge, and eat klonopine. The hyper sexual thoughts are gone. The main reason I think it is the depression side. I think for the last three weeks I have been more on a hypo swing BUT maybe I have been where my “normal” is. Trying to figure this out is daunting. Trying to learn triggers is daunting. I do appreciate knowing to look for them instead of being oblivious to my true mental illness. Breaking the cycles though are proving harder.
I have always needed to feel special. I emotionally cut myself on the past trying to hold or re-capture that feeling of being important to people. My main issue and a great point hubby made on Sunday is I give so much of myself. I project this caring, loving, empathetic person. I do think I am those. I don’t believe this is a all fake. The issue is I do it selfishly and when the person doesn’t acknowledge or recipocate the same way I am left obsessive and resentful/angered.
Thus the quote above. I NEVER know when to let toxic people go. I ALWAYS let myself take one act of attention pull me into an obsessive need to have some connection constantly. I cant get it through my mind to enjoy the moment and let it be a good memory instead of some neediness deep within that I hang my self worth upon.
I am going to put my energy (or force my energy) into productive things like cleaning my messy house and deciding what I want to add to my city wide garage sale stuff. That way I can work this shit out amd feel accomplished! Wish me luck 😀
Comments, questions, and random thoughts leave below. And my usual plug — check out my social medias found in the side bar!
I wrote this actually after a random person i follow in instagram followed me back. I made this for instagram do i duh had to be vague just in case. Ya know that perSon who started following might have figured it out. Wtf. .. another narcissist moment that is 95 percent not reality. (I like to give margin of error as some things are coincidental) anyway. .. I’ve been up sick most of the night and am on call praying no call comes as i am not sure i would make it in a car. Too much work to do to call I’m sick also. Boo hoo
In conclusion check out below my almost wordless Wednesday meme I made. In a post that was so not wordless. Comments questions random thoughts leave below please and check out my social media sites as you can tell you never know what your gonna get 🙂