mental health issues

Turn back Tuesday: Fighting sensitivity.

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I was looking at drafts on my blog and found this snippet from ten months ago.

Other than the last two days, and making a new friend. I feel not much bright spots in life. I’m so sensitive and paranoid about everything people do or say. I’m back to pre mood stabilizer I think. Then comes darker thoughts. I hate it.

I don’t know who the new friend is/was. I don’t remember that far back. In general I am doing much better. I haven’t had a dark thought in which I wanted to actually act on since I can remember. That is a huge positive because I have had some shitty days recently. I wonder what triggered my mood to be so dark. Wish I would have written more. I wonder why I didn’t publish it either. Maybe I felt it was too real and dark to publish. I really don’t know. I never go back and read old posts so this is a little eery to me but cathartic too.

Hate

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I’m struggling right now. I have a lot of hate in my heart.

I hate my marriage.
I hate my job.
I hate my disorders.
I hate me.

I do love my children they are what keeps me together.

I just want to bang the normal into my head.

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It’s so dark

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All I want to do is lie in bed and cry this is one of the worst depressions I’ve had for a long while. If course last week looking back I had one of the worst hypo manias I’ve had in awhile … dyed my hair in my own … before that got angry with my husband and joined plenty of fish. Thankfully before I did something I’d regret I came to my senses. I’ve told my husband and I sadly think he is blaming himself for it. I was very productive and felt like I could conquer the world.

It was one of my worst hypo manias in awhile do it made sense that when the switch flipped I’d be at a super low. I don’t remember being this depressed in awhile. Thankfully the pdoc hour me in Friday and added ability to my drug cocktail. I liked it so better before I had tons of energy and it didn’t hurt in my soul like depression. At this point I’m at one moment at a time keeping myself busy unless sleeping. I’m ready for the switch any day.

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The phrase of the day is…

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I don’t give a fuck!

I’m sure everyone who happens to read this blog (hugs to you all ♥ You are appreciated) I’m on a downward spiral i feel it. I’m completely going through the motions but i know I’m a ticking time bomb. Today i no longer feel I’m the moron but every body fucking else. My husband. .. my co worker who has forced me to apply for a supervisor job because she flared up my black and white thinking, and my life in general. I’m too old to be emotionally blocked! !!

****** AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH******
OK NOW EVERYONE WHO IS WITH ME TRIBAL SCREAM TOGETHER
******** AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH *****
well that made me slightly better still can’t shake this psychic paranoia grandeur i got going on. 😥

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Moron

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I keep saying this word over and over to myself this morning. It is on some infinite loop and I’m not sure how to stop it. Included with the name calling is dialogue to support this label. The list is too embarrassing to share. But in reality probably not. I am positive it is a visceral reaction to this downward pendulum i am on. And the nutrisystem my dad bought for us to kick start better eating. 

I forgot how much this side hurts. How did i pretend for years i didn’t have this nagging hatred and pain. I know i am in the cusp of greatness this year i just don’t know how to overcome these years of damage being miss diagnosed has caused me.

Therefore i am a moron. .. shoulda woulda coulda. 😦 last week i made this textgram on instagram. It’s completely where i am right now.

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Depressed and Angry or Hypomania and Angry?

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Starting yesterday I felt a switch in my brain. Depression. I am filled with hatred at the world and everything in it…. including myself. It is confusing as hypo mania shows as anger as well. I am trying to have mindfulness of knowing which side of the pendelum I am on.

I do think it is depression. Suicidal ideation is back. Wanting to drink, overspend, binge, and eat klonopine. The hyper sexual thoughts are gone. The main reason I think it is the depression side. I think for the last three weeks I have been more on a hypo swing BUT maybe I have been where my “normal” is. Trying to figure this out is daunting. Trying to learn triggers is daunting. I do appreciate knowing to look for them instead of being oblivious to my true mental illness. Breaking the cycles though are proving harder.

I have always needed to feel special. I emotionally cut myself on the past trying to hold or re-capture that feeling of being important to people. My main issue and a great point hubby made on Sunday is I give so much of myself. I project this caring, loving, empathetic person. I do think I am those. I don’t believe this is a all fake. The issue is I do it selfishly and when the person doesn’t acknowledge or recipocate  the same way I am left obsessive and resentful/angered.

Thus the quote above. I NEVER know when to let toxic people go. I ALWAYS let myself take one act of attention pull me into an obsessive need to have some connection constantly. I cant get it through my mind to enjoy the moment and let it be a good memory instead of some neediness deep within that I hang my self worth upon.

I am going to put my energy (or force my energy) into productive things like cleaning my messy house and deciding what I want to add to my city wide garage sale stuff. That way I can work this shit out amd feel accomplished! Wish me luck 😀

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Blah Blah blah

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I am having a horrible needy unproductive though i have deadlines day.  I am emotionally inwardly a wreck. I want to binge eat my pain away and thankfully I’m all outta snacks at work. Plus is so far i have resisted going to the vending machine.

I want a life that doesn’t or never will exist for me. I can’t break that desire and my resources here to help are limited. I see now the folly of thinking wanting needing the meds to “cure” me.

I did thanks to dysthymia bree. Her blog can be found here. 

Do some research on self dbt and found a free pdf file to self guide.  You can download it here. 

The neediness feeling, I am realizing since my suicidal ideation and that kind of stress pain is significantly diminished, is far worse then that pain. I just want to be snuggled and told it will be alright while i have a cathartic cry.

I will start the dbt stuff tonight. I plan on sharing my experience with you all. Wish me luck cuz this might just take me over the edge more than the ideation.

comments, questions, random thoughts leave below and please check out my social media sites! I appreciate you all! !!!