life

To feel special

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I’ve always had this obsession to feel special. I remember it as a teenager even. Is this something everyone wants or a borderline personality thing? The older I get the less special I feel. Maybe it’s my self esteem issue. I probably need to find myself special first before someone else can. I need to quit trying to find validation in others. That’s probably a key component of happiness. I feel enlightened writing that. Like a weight lifted. How refreshing 🙂

I will not

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I will not obsess. I will not obsess. I will not obsess. Yeah right who am I kidding I can’t help it. I think I’ll have my therapist tackle that one first. Anybody have any tips to stop obsessive thoughts? I was hoping writing about it would help. Nope. Maybe a dbt trick I learned with help. Taking the thought and symbolically letting the ocean sweep it to see after writing it in the sand. I’ll let you know if that ends up working. 🙂

Ready for the weekend

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I have the next four days off with nothing to do. But at least I’m not working 🙂 having some obsessive thoughts so rented a couple movies to keep me busy. Can I call that self care? I forgot if I said yet I made a therapy appt. I think it’ll be good for me and my pdoc has been on me to go. I promised myself I’m going to stick to it. No .. no time bullshit… no .. I don’t want to dig deep and make changes. I can do this 🙂

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Confusion

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I’m so confused about life and that tarot crap is bullshit. But you probably already knew that huh? I felt like it told me to job hunt. I found a perfect job and I already got the kiss off letter. Oh well. Also I’m confused by a conversation I had the other day. I wonder if I am incapable of taking a hint. Ugh I dislike feeling this way. Fuck fuck fuck… nope still don’t feel better. 😦 worth a shot though right?

Not feeling it

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Yesterday I felt so confident. Today it is all gone. My mind is swirling with self doubt. I don’t want to be here. My stomach is in knots and I’m obsessing over everything. Lord help me.

Tarot cards

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I have a tarot cards app on my phone. I go through stages where playing them scares me and/or paranoid. But yesterday I dabbled again and it revealed some interesting things.

Now I think it’s all interpretation. I have opened up a bible and turned to the perfect verse for how I was feeling. Is it fate or interpretation coincidence? Still I followed one of the readings and found a helpful website. Again fate or just a waste of time? I’ll tell you more what the card said in a couple weeks. I don’t want to jinx it 🙂 but it is encouraging.

Btw… does this post even make sense? I’m all over the place today can you tell?

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I wish I could follow this meme advice. It speaks a lot of truth. Why do we let people hurt us. Why do we hurt people? Again onto the topic of human nature. Are we all so flawed we can’t help it. Do the happy people fight too? Do they have insecurities? Do unfortunate things happen to them? I thought I had a blessed life until ten years ago. More like ignorance is bliss. Do we really make our own happiness? I’m too old to be questioning life! But here I sit typing out these questions.