life

The Tuesday that feels like a Monday

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I have to cram a whole bunch of things into this week work wise. I’ve got this.

Positives– I’m dressed nicely today. I’m going to rock this day and I I’m going to work on being less anxious.

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Triggered

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I had to have my car fixed today and told my mom what kind of financial bind I’m in. Since they helped me last time and I promised not to get strapped again she refuses to help. I don’t blame them I knew better. Doesn’t change that it had triggered me into a depression. But this once feels different. I feel more sorry for myself then depressed so maybe I’m not. Still working on small changes.

Positives — I’m here on this planet

I’m about to eat an awesome meal

And tomorrow is another day.

Another lonely night

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I’m here at home drinking gin and juice. I know we are not suppose to mix alcohol with our meds but I do sometimes. My boyfriend went to stay with his mother and I welcome the break. Sad huh? I am contemplating my life and changes I need to make. I’ve never been alone since eighteen yet I’ve been lonely often. If you are lonely tonight I’m sending you a huge hug. Cuz I need one too.

Fat shamed

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Recently I have been fast shamed by my mom and boyfriend separately. It’s horrible for my self esteem. I’ve come to expect it from my mom is been thirty years of it. But it came out of left field from my boyfriend. It started as an innocent conversation then bam. The topic of why I don’t lose weight comes up. It’s never come up before and I didn’t have the cajones to question it so of course I’m hating on myself for that. This relationship is slowly turning into the marriage I left. I need to find the courage to speak up or get out. I just want someone to love me for me.

Happiness is not a choice

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When you have a mental illness you really can’t just be happy. If I could choose it why wouldn’t I? Now I can choose to make better choices that lead to stability but even that can be tenuous as I never know what might trigger me. I do know I’m very unhappy right now. And I do need to take ownership of the things I can change. I just don’t know where to start is so overwhelming.

Just one moment at a time

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I’m taking one moment at a time. I’m trying to stay positive and not wallow. It’s Valentine’s day. So happy Valentine’s to everyone out there.

I know my issue is negative sensory overload. It makes me self loath and wallow in negativity. I want to sleep so bad.

I have my job interview tomorrow. I feel confident but with the usual anxiety that making choices brings.

It was suggested in a comment recently to make a small change to better my life. I’ve been thinking on what that should be. Probably my eating habits.

Anyway I’ve rambled enough. Hope you all are having an awesome day.

Positives

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I’m caring.

I love my children.

I want to be a better person.

I am lucky to have a job.

That’s all I got but it’s a start.