life

Something funny is going on

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Do you ever just know something changed in a relationship and you’re too scared to ask? I feel something is off and i think i know what it is but it’s partly my fault and i don’t know how to fix it. I’ve been down this road before. This time i am more self aware. Maybe there is no soul mate for me. Most likely i need to be ok with it. I feel ambivalent to it all but at the same time I’m something else i just can’t put my finger on it.

Anyone

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I can feel the pain in this song and I’ve been there. Please have a listen.

Just be

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Yesterday i got in an argument with someone dear to me. It was silly of course and i regret it. Before i could really talk it out with them they are now in the er with a numb arm. This person has a lot of medical problems and im worried he will die.

We just don’t know what problems people have. I need to be kinder and not so easily manipulated by my emotions. I know I’ve said it before but it’s a real struggle. A suggestion from my last post was to start change small with patience. Im going to be patient with me and slow down my decisions and choices. I’ve got to stay somewhere.

Real healing

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I just posted a comment on another blog that i feel in recovery as far as a med cocktail but it doesn’t excuse the mal coping skills i have. I love spending money even though I’m on a tight budget. I eat too much and I’m a bad friend. I truly don’t know how to fix it all. Im stumped. It’s not from lack of wanting to. I just seem to stick to what is easy. Will i ever make life changing progress?

Trying to find a reason

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Im trying to find a reason to stay at work today. My morning was busy but now I’m blah and don’t want to be here. I should stay though. I have things to do. How do you power through motivation?

Sweet sleep

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Today i wish i was curled up in bed feeling extra sorry for myself. Instead i have to sit through a work thing. I want to be so much more then who i am. My anxiety is high to the point im getting heart palpitations. Why can’t every day be ok? Yes im in pity party mode. Im just so unhappy and i don’t see just be happy as an option. If only it were a choice.

I’m alright

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I haven’t written much. I tend to write less when things are going ok. Mainly i think because this is where i try to vent some of this mental fuckery out.

I ended up not getting full on sick thank the lord. I appreciate all your well wishes.

Things are decent here. The job is going ok. I have some doubt but I’m working past it. Anyway just wanted to hop on here as i often wonder about people that don’t write and how they are doing