I realize a moment ago I might be going hypomanic. I have this urge to cut off all my hair and get kittens. The crux of it all is how do I tell if this is just normal silliness or actual mental illness? I also feel slightly agitated and of course love myself. All telling signs. Ugh I hate this illness.
All good songs and remind me of when I was younger and unmedicated.
I spent money I didn’t have yesterday on a service I didn’t need. Therefore I can’t do the walk of shame return thing. That’s the worst part of my hypo mania… impulse buying. It always sounds good in the moment but past that it’s just guilt and regret. I need to follow this screenshot from instagram cuz deep down I felt the word no but ignored it.
I can really tell I am in a weird disjointed hypo mania state. All day I have been funny and energetic and hyper sexual. Then I realized it was not due to my awesome personality but a switch in my brain. I still feel those ways but with an undercurrent of dread and sadness that it isn’t real and my mind just doesn’t get that all the time. On top of that I am so lonely. I cling onto any kind of attention and all my husband I do is NOT see eye to eye. It sucks living in a life where it is only half filled.
Starting yesterday I felt a switch in my brain. Depression. I am filled with hatred at the world and everything in it…. including myself. It is confusing as hypo mania shows as anger as well. I am trying to have mindfulness of knowing which side of the pendelum I am on.
I do think it is depression. Suicidal ideation is back. Wanting to drink, overspend, binge, and eat klonopine. The hyper sexual thoughts are gone. The main reason I think it is the depression side. I think for the last three weeks I have been more on a hypo swing BUT maybe I have been where my “normal” is. Trying to figure this out is daunting. Trying to learn triggers is daunting. I do appreciate knowing to look for them instead of being oblivious to my true mental illness. Breaking the cycles though are proving harder.
I have always needed to feel special. I emotionally cut myself on the past trying to hold or re-capture that feeling of being important to people. My main issue and a great point hubby made on Sunday is I give so much of myself. I project this caring, loving, empathetic person. I do think I am those. I don’t believe this is a all fake. The issue is I do it selfishly and when the person doesn’t acknowledge or recipocate the same way I am left obsessive and resentful/angered.
Thus the quote above. I NEVER know when to let toxic people go. I ALWAYS let myself take one act of attention pull me into an obsessive need to have some connection constantly. I cant get it through my mind to enjoy the moment and let it be a good memory instead of some neediness deep within that I hang my self worth upon.
I am going to put my energy (or force my energy) into productive things like cleaning my messy house and deciding what I want to add to my city wide garage sale stuff. That way I can work this shit out amd feel accomplished! Wish me luck 😀
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My husband tells me tonight that when we went to Florida for our son’s Dream Factory wish that he considered us separated. WHAAA??? Now I know we were six weeks from being there as he was in love with some High School Fantasy girl that was just an unhappy married women who lead my husband on and took advantage of our martial issues. At that time I was stupid and believed they were just facebook friends and nothing else. That whole experience is a whole dozen or two other posts HA
Now during our eight month separation neither one of us was innocent BUT to re-write in my mind a fairly happy memory as some false reality is offending to me. Or I FEEL it should be. In general I was more shocked that is his reality, but as I write this I really am coming to terms with my mind is trying to make it a bigger deal then it needs to be.
Still this is an interesting idea and/or example of reality is perception. It makes me wonder what other realities I have had wrong all this time. Or is it better to not dwell and let my mind loop on it like I feel it wants … hmmm I think it is what the drugs do. It masks the underline psychosis. It oddly makes me anxious. Is the message about drugs that the medicine is how my reality should be OR is the looping how my reality should be. … And since my fucking PDOC says I am not bipolar to any laymen who are out there does this post seem a little hypomanic? UGH I can’t stand this reality of no label. Not that I want to be labeled but I want to be identified. Being told what is my mental health reality is not correct or well who knows as is it hard to figure out correct mental illness with symptoms even though your successfully on a bipolar med (yes I am still very very bitter).
I feel out of the depression to where I just want to sleep in med all day last friday feeling like a fraud to this hyper — didn’t go to sleep until midnight instead of ten like usual yet want to go to bed at nine feeling. Or is my reality trying to give off a perception of bipolar? 😦
Ok well I think I have beat this dead horse for now. I am sure I will try to resurrect it another day!
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So I left off the other day talking about how I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I talked with my psychiatrist and made him get me some kind of help. It is amazing how at first it was like they didn’t want to do anything for me. His nurse told me to go to the hospital. I had said to them that I need real help. I am begging for it as I can’t take these poor impulse controls moments and this suicidal ideation/planning anymore. I NEED HELP! I asked to be able to take a couple weeks off and go somewhere for some extensive counseling or something. I said I am taking my meds regularly and going to counseling. It is not helping. I have been through so many ineffective depression medication it is pathetic. When I was told to go to the hospital, I advised I did five months ago on an overdose. I have told the doctor this and all he did was increase my prozac. The ICU lock down doctor as I was on suicide watch stated he wasn’t going to send me anywhere on a 515o hold as the judge sends people to a hardcore psych ward and it wouldn’t be beneficial to me as I really wasn;t trying to kill myself. I just wanted to sleep my problems away. Trust me it is different as I have been to the wanting to be dead stage before. So I told her the hospital won’t do anything for me that would be BENEFICIAL. I am an educated productive member of society and I want/need help. It shouldn’t be this hard. It is soooo sad!! and with my therapy social work mental health background I know how the system works to a lot of extent I can only imagine how hopeless it is for people who are not aware or assertive.
The weird thing is I have felt since that overdose that I might be bi polar based on my education and experience. I even discussed with my blood doctor (I can’t remember the special name for them but I have severe anemia as well. I have to get transfusions of venofer which is synthetic iron every so often) if I should get my endrocrine system checked as I feel I have some real medical reason for being so depressed and then so impulsive in my actions and words out of the blue. He said he didn’t know anything about that and to keep seeing my psych doctor. (see i legit have been trying so hard to get a real diagnosis and it is so hard even in our medical heavy society) Anyway… I never said anything to my doctor but would tell him my symptoms and that they are getting greater and the depression was coming faster then I would make a poor choice like saying shit at work that I knew to keep my mouth shut about or throwing a tantrum at home with my husband and breaking something in anger and frustration. Two weeks ago I even took a silly online test. I knew in my head I needed mood stablizer meds. I hated seeing an abilify or that kind of medicine ad cuz it would glare at me. ** you need me**** ugh! But my heart didn’t want it to be true and I wanted the doctor to decide it organically instead of me trying to diagnose myself which I can do well with others. (not bragging just saying I am pretty good at guessing a person’s mental illness) And making him give me a certain med I feel I need. I have been doing this with my depression meds and for some reason he let me bully him in one of my worked up stages right in his office. I don’t know if he just couldn’t sense my hypo mania due to it being over a tv or he is just that incompetent. 😦
So I asked for help Thursday afternoon by Friday day he decided not to let me have time off work to get some extensive counseling but to add a medication for bi polar disorder. Oh and by the way it can give you a deadly rash. Don’t you just love that shit…. but that is a rant for another day. I am scared to take it for two main reasons. You never know what the side effects will be and I am afraid once again I won’t be “better” or “fixed” and I want so bad to be “fixed” but even “better” I would be overjoyed to feel.
It is scary to right this as well. But I started this blog to follow my mental health journey and life. And well right now this is a major event in the scheme of my mental health so well.. I guess I better share it.
I have read an awesome article on the subject that makes sense and has helped me not feel so “Crazy”. It is found HERE. This is what is says about Bipolar II
Those with bipolar II disorder don’t have such
extreme highs or manic symptoms as in bipolar
I disorder. Instead, they experience mild highs,
or hypomania. The symptoms of hypomania
are similar to those of mania, but are much less
intense and severe. In fact, people who experience
hypomania might not feel impaired at all. For
example, people who are hypomanic might be more
talkative than usual, but their speech makes sense
and seems to follow a logical pattern. They don’t
experience hallucinations or delusions. Hypomania
might make them appear more energetic or
productive. But if their illness goes untreated, they
can become severely depressed.
What made even more sense to me was this part of the article and most hard hitting was the underlined part Bipolar Depression
Bipolar depression is a very common occurrence
in both bipolar I and bipolar II; such periods
are referred to as major depressive episodes. Most
people who have a major depressive episode do
not have bipolar disorder. However, bipolar
depressive episodes look and feel identical to other
depressive episodes, and affect virtually everyone
who has bipolar disorder at one time or another.
In fact, people with bipolar disorder tend to spend
more time depressed than manic. In both types of
the illness, bipolar depression (the lows) is more
common than mania or hypomania (the highs),
and the depressions can be quite severe, even
dangerous. Even more than typical depression,
bipolar depression is likely to be accompanied
by disability and suicidal thinking and behavior.
One thing that all types of bipolar disorder have
in common is this: people with the illness spend
the majority of their symptomatic lives below
baseline, in the low, depressed phase. Because
depression can be the more common or more
obvious part of bipolar disorder, some people
who have bipolar disorder may get treatment
for depression only, and the diagnosis of bipolar
disorder can be overlooked for years.
I am going to keep reading so I don’t feel so alone in this. My husband and Dad have been very supportive but my Mom is funny about things. She seemed to take it personal and try to find blame in her genes. It does run on her side and can be genetic but the why or how doesn’t matter. I just am over all relieved to really feel I have an answer to why I think or do the things I do. And I feel it is accurate. I have never felt that being major depressive with General Anxiety was totally right. So I will keep adjusting and working through this and will try to keep the below quote in mind and be kinder to myself. I am actually crazy but I can’t help it so it all seems ok.
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