happiness

Do more

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I know i should do more that makes me happy but i struggle finding those things. What does make me happy? Im really not sure. I’ve lost interest in so much. I wasn’t too be creative but really im not. How do you find self care things to make you happy?

Wallowing

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I sit here realizing im wallowing in nothingness. Maybe i have set my expectations on things to just miraculously happen on there own. I make the same decisions that lead to poor choices over and over again. I know that only i can make the changes. Yet im stagnant. Im unsure of myself and though not depressed im blah. I could use some mania in my life. It’s been awhile due to the meds. But I’ll keep taking them… no worries there.

Maybe this is as good as it gets. I need to find contentment in the now. I will work on that.

I hope

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I’m not sure what i feel. I just want to be happy. People say it’s a choice but i can’t wrap my mind around it being a choice. I am so guided by this disorder im exhausted. How do i find happiness?

Going to be happy

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Happiness is so fleeting. I get glimpses of it then it disappears. Is it making me stronger? I’d like to think so. I’m stronger then three years ago but am I then a month ago? Change comes at a snail pace often. Or I’ve seen it in a lightening strike but that is rare. Some day I hope to be happy again.. maybe I need to find it in the small stuff.

Parenting 101

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I think children often make us feel like failures. I know mine are right now. I just want to self medicate with alcohol but I’ve been abstinent for two weeks now and well I decided to take my klonopin to chill out my anxiety.

My oldest son is spinning his wheels at life when he has so much potential. But I can’t live his life for him.

My middle son is exasperating and is too much like his dad personality wise. It triggers me which I know is my choice but so difficult for me to overcome right now.

Sadly I knew the good vibe bad vibe pendulum would swing back to unhappiness but I am determined to not wallow too long in it. I’m going to fight it and move forward.

Destined to be unhappy

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I wonder if I am destined to be unhappy. Is there something wrong with me that I can’t achieve it. Well I guess there really is due to my mental health but is it a reason or an excuse?

Thinking hard on it I think it’s a reason. I didn’t bring it on or ask for it. How do I overcome it though? I’d be ok with being content. Something better than this. It has to be out there somewhere right?

Is it dangerous?

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I read a blog post where the person said or my take away was… That a person only need to think happy to be happy. If that’s the case I feel broken because I promise I try to be happy. But then again the saying is if you do the same thing expecting the same results you get the same results or something like that.

I am wondering if this message of happiness is dangerous because I have a chemical imbalance and a lot of negative coping mechanisms I’m trying to overcome. But if I can’t not be depressed due to an illness am i a failure? I appreciatethis post because it made me think. Some people are just more fortunate then others in these illnesses. Maybe one day I can make myself happy. I know unfortunately that day is not today.