friendship

December 6 2019

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Friendship

I use to have a lot of friends. People were always at my house then we moved to a different state and I’ve struggled to make friends. I find where i live you either grew up here and don’t need new friends or you are rich and vacation here.

Plus since my diagnosis I’ve not been a great friend. My energy level for it changes and i can’t find consistency.

I’ve recently made a friend online and i treasure that friendship. I have someone new to whine to lol. It gives me something to look forward to every day.

Do you find it hard to maintain friendships?

Random thoughts

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I don’t understand people. They act like they will be a support but then boom they flake on you. This is why my circle is small.

I can’t decide if I think my therapy is working. I went yesterday and when I tried to get him to help me dig deeper… He just have me a cheerleader line. As in… Look how well you handled that you did good… Instead of where do you think that comes from or something like that. I need to dig deep damn it! 🙂

I’m getting a Chihuahua puppy tomorrow. I’m anxious about potty training it and it keeping me up at night and that the lady will change her mind in g giving it to me even though I’ve bought stuff for it. Tomorrow will tell I guess.

I have blood work tomorrow. I am severely anemic to the point I need iron infusions. It’s been a year so I’m not sure how low I am. We will see.

I think that’s about it. I’m just plugging away at life… I hope you are too.

Life update

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I’ve not posted in a couple of days. Nothing really to share. Still staying positive. I’m learning I don’t understand people. You think they are one way then you are struck by how they aren’t anything like you thought. If people wonder why I isolate this is why.

Virtual reality

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I’m full of worry and anxiety. I wish I had a friend who I could really share my thoughts with. My struggles and why I don’t have a backbone. I have friends but their advice is all so different. And really it’s my life. I want to be able to plug in directly like virtual reality. Or better yet a crystal ball that shows me two futures depending on my choices. How awesome would that be? 🙂

I’ve been upgraded to sorrow

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Wikipedia defines Sorrow as an emotion, feeling, or sentiment. Sorrow ‘is more “intense” than sadness…it implies a long term state’.[1] At the same time ‘sorrow – but not unhappiness – suggests a degree of resignation…which lends sorrow its peculiar air of dignity’.[2]

‘In terms of attitude, sorrow can be said to be half way between sadness (accepting) and distress (not accepting)’.[3]

Yesterday I had sadness today I have sorrow. I lost a friend over something that truly wasn’t my fault. I don’t blame them but I wish they could overcome the obstacle to our friendship. Vague again right. The full story is embarrassing and sharing would add to my sorrow.

I have a lead weight at the pit of my stomach and it’s taking all my energy to not stalk the person. They meant so much to me. I can’t cry due to my meds but I felt years over it today. It was surprising and comforting. But didn’t help the sorrow. I’m ready for this feeling to end it brings on dark thoughts and makes me anxious.

Hugs

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I feel this way a lot and is why I titled my blog I am my own island. I often feel this complete loneliness. I have always self analyzed,  self critiqued,  and self doubted. I don’t know why I use to be so fearful of sharing my inner thoughts. Maybe because then I couldn’t live in a bubble of illusions but I think it is more trust and fear of rejection. I grew up an only child who was often shuffled from baby sitter to baby sitter always having to be pleasing. Being unique/weird is not pleasing to everyone I learned early in life.  Blogging has really helped me expand and be more real with myself and through it make a few friends here recently to where maybe I don’t need to be in my own little world. I can visit other unique worlds and it is perfectly ok.

That includes my husband which is new territory. And it may sound weird that we have been together for fifteen years but somehow he is more my best friend now then he has ever been. And oddly here recently the fear of it ending or the threat to this happy existence between us will collapse has waned. It is such a relief to share my world with his world. Wow just writing this now I realized that. See this blogging thing has been wonderful for me!

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