Give up

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I’m having a heavy negative self talk day already. It’s amazing how the mind can dredge up things from twenty years ago and make me feel bad about myself.

I doubt myself a lot. Every decision has to be dissected and then I’ll probably make the wrong one. I really do try and have faith and listen to God. But it’s like my mind is deaf sometimes.

I’m a people pleaser for sure. I want everyone to get along and be happy. This is exhausting.

Lastly… Fear of failure. I know fear runs my life. It probably all boils down to failure. I just feel like I suck as a person. I know I should go to therapy but right now I can’t and I haven’t had much luck with therapists anyway.

So I take one moment at a time and do my best to not listen but the voice is loud and demanding.


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I use to be fearless in my endeavors. Now I shrink at the fear of actually having to follow through. I would love to be a Ted x speaker. They come to Kansas city in August and are taking submissions to do a short topic. I have one in mind but then I think what if I really did get picked? I hate that this illness has limited me. Have I allowed it to by naming it? Or is it by design? 

#loveme day fourteen

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I’d say racism. I was taught not to trust or be friends with African Americans. My parents went so far as to take me out of the city to be raised on a farm. I remember the first time an African American talked to me I was scared. I had to teach myself that bigotry and racism is wrong. Now I can proudly say I’ve been friends with and dated every shade of the skin tone rainbow. And I’m raising my children to not see color as a negative but just as a trait we all have. If that makes sense.


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I’m currently afraid to look at my bank account. I was impulsive this weekend and spent money on things I didn’t need instead of paying bills.

I’m fearful of having a stroke. I’d rather have cancer or a heart attack for some reason. I think it’s that part of your brain has died and you change by default.

I’m fearful of fire. I know I’ve shared this before.

I’m fearful someone will break into my home and rape me or worse my children. I hear this stories and they make me clammy and my heart begin  to race.

I’m fearful I’ll get in a car accident. I drive a lot. Especially around semi trucks. Yikes.

I guess that’s enough fears for one day now that I’ve worked myself up discussing them. Do you have any fears?

May 2014 — Mental Health Awareness month

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MHM 2014 – Mind Your Health Poster Calendar


Grrrr I wanted the link above to be a picture within the post. It won’t but if you click on the link it will bring up a calendar created by Mental Health America

Today we are to pick out a class to take. Well where I live things like that are limited. I will though go with a new found friend tomorrow to help her learn her camera. I think it follows the spirit of it all.

I am still on an emotional roller coaster I need to find a therapist to help me work though some of these things, Alas I want to do DBT but I cant find anyone remotely by me who does it. I honestly have asked anyone around me I can think of if they know anybody, No leads at all. Boo

I am living in fear. I do think that is my underlying issue right now.

I fear that if I start to eat healthier I will lose my best friend — binge eating/food.

I fear that I won’t find any recovery or that it even exists.

I fear what choices I should make for my future. I know my job can be toxic for me and I would be better mentally if I didnt have it but I am good at it AND i need the insurance. But my son has been approved for SSI and I am thinking that maybe with that added income I can get a less paying but less stressful job. I dont want to live off the government or my child and I signed up for it for his future. Here in the USA I have been told it is easier for someone to get on SSI as an adult if they had it as a child. It only took a month for him to get approved THat is how severe his disability presents on paper (and real life of course) But I need to figure out what is best for myself and my family,

I fear I won’t be able to break the emotional cutting that I tend to do. On the plus side I havent had suicidal ideation in several weeks. I noticed yesterday I had a thought about a situation i found myself in years ago not realizing my choices were escrewed by mental illness. It was very toxic but I think about this person and opening the wound that is always there. No matter the type of relationship when it ends badly there is always a barely healed… slightly scabbed wound,.

I fear I will never find hope that my son will leave a full life. I worry too much about the what if’s with him. 😦

What fears keep you up at night?

Comments… questions… random thoughts leave them below!