emotional cutting

Emotional cutting today

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And I can’t stop. My brain keeps looping to this incident years and years ago. I have no contact with the co workers nor will I add I live in a different state. I just kept thinking they probably thought I was a loser cuz I thought it cool to call this lady at a job esa but she was Puerto Rican and that’s a friendly reference to someone from Mexico. She was never rude about it. But I can’t help looping. I think another co worker corrected me again in a nice way but I keep thinking I bet I was the joke there. Blah.

I am trying to do breathing exercises and positive reinforcement and it works for a moment then the hatred and inner name calling comes back. It doesn’t help I’m exhausted from a poor nights sleep and a full day at work. Whaa whaa whaa

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Once again I’m struggling

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I can’t shake this cloud. I feel I’m making poor choices and I care but the not giving a Damn is in full working order.

What is reality and truth and what is false people and reality.

The longer the week goes the darker my feelings and the more I act out. It’s emotional cutting at its best.

comments, questions, random thoughts leave below and please check out my social media sites! I appreciate you all! !!!

Is emotional cutting the worst kind of cutting?

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I just emotionally cut open a soul wound that always seeps a little I really hate myself  I should have known better. I’m going to go keep busy before I make more poor choices.
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I wrote these words a week ago. I’m much better now I’m oddly thankful I was travelling and have a fear of car accidents.

That leads me to my title. I wish I remembered who enlightened me on WordPress to the reality of emotional cutting. It has been a few months but who ever did thank you. It’s (insert your own adjective here I chose…) scary enough I have bipolar but the bpd is the hardest part of officially being diagnosed. I think three main reasons. 1- I can no longer live blissfully ignorant and use poor choices on X  I am more aware now 2- I can no longer justify old coping skills. 3. I can’t find good “help” in my area and BPD is not a med controlled condition like bipolar.

I think I could be a physical cutter if I could stand blood. Pain I like but odd pain. I love the sting of rubbing alcohol on wounds but I do sometimes desire to cut. I think then I resort to emotional cutting. I’m use to it and it has sometimes as much damage as physical cutting… I think so anyway.

comments, questions, random thoughts leave below and please check out my social media sites! I appreciate you all! !!!

May 2014 — Mental Health Awareness month

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MHM 2014 – Mind Your Health Poster Calendar

 

Grrrr I wanted the link above to be a picture within the post. It won’t but if you click on the link it will bring up a calendar created by Mental Health America

Today we are to pick out a class to take. Well where I live things like that are limited. I will though go with a new found friend tomorrow to help her learn her camera. I think it follows the spirit of it all.

I am still on an emotional roller coaster I need to find a therapist to help me work though some of these things, Alas I want to do DBT but I cant find anyone remotely by me who does it. I honestly have asked anyone around me I can think of if they know anybody, No leads at all. Boo

I am living in fear. I do think that is my underlying issue right now.

I fear that if I start to eat healthier I will lose my best friend — binge eating/food.

I fear that I won’t find any recovery or that it even exists.

I fear what choices I should make for my future. I know my job can be toxic for me and I would be better mentally if I didnt have it but I am good at it AND i need the insurance. But my son has been approved for SSI and I am thinking that maybe with that added income I can get a less paying but less stressful job. I dont want to live off the government or my child and I signed up for it for his future. Here in the USA I have been told it is easier for someone to get on SSI as an adult if they had it as a child. It only took a month for him to get approved THat is how severe his disability presents on paper (and real life of course) But I need to figure out what is best for myself and my family,

I fear I won’t be able to break the emotional cutting that I tend to do. On the plus side I havent had suicidal ideation in several weeks. I noticed yesterday I had a thought about a situation i found myself in years ago not realizing my choices were escrewed by mental illness. It was very toxic but I think about this person and opening the wound that is always there. No matter the type of relationship when it ends badly there is always a barely healed… slightly scabbed wound,.

I fear I will never find hope that my son will leave a full life. I worry too much about the what if’s with him. 😦

What fears keep you up at night?

Comments… questions… random thoughts leave them below!

romantic movies and novels are Bullshit!

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Ha how is that for a title.  Yesterday I reblogged a post a wonderful writer wrote about emotional cutting.  You can find the original here. It has me thinking and realizing all kinds realizations. I have for years ranted how movies and books make horrible expectations of love and romance. No one can live up to all that at least not for the long haul. And we all know once the i got chu comes on we as humans get less romantic. Women stop putting thier makeup on start wearing seat pants and gain ten pounds. Men start hanging with their buddies, stop buying just because gifts and saying sweet romantic things. It is ok and reality.

The bullshit is we as women (or is it just me? ) read fifty shades of grey and want the total unyielding devotion of a handsome rich broken man. I watched two romantic movies this weekend. I was like a crack Addict watching them. Nervous of the crash and end of the movie yet glued to My tv enjoying the euphoria of the lightning live that two people can meet and fall in love in a week. I watched the very formula on point (cough Austenland) love story four times before returning it. Each time tormenting myself questioning why i have never had that kind of love …but i did at twenty and threw it all away our pretty damn close. I threw it all away so i then emotionally cut myself with regret and horrible thoughts of his wife dying do we can have a new movie story. The one I was fantasizing about when i threw our love away.

The second movie was more gut wrenching as it was more realistic but still had the fucking happy ending. Life has real consequences damn it and hurts can’t just be forgiven by stalking the person! !!!!!!

I found this yesterday and is perfect for this post. My dreams do torment me with the past and it makes me think I am meant to seek the person out. Only to internet dual them and see their happy without me life. Not them pining away for my perfect personality and love. PUCK! If I keep the below I’m mind…. I will get a chuckle and put things in perspective. Bahahaha
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As always I welcome your thoughts and opinions so feel free to comment or ask questions below. I am writing an update in my pdoc appointment but i am so saddened and disgusted it is taking me awhile to find the right and honest words. .. did that make sense?

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