What I’m not thankful for

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This cold I have

The boredom I felt at lunch

The fact my soon to be ex husband is in Oregon on vacation instead of paying child support for months.

The fact I’m even writing this post.

I can’t vape right now or I choke on the smoke almost twenty four hours workout nicotine. I’m cranky.

I can’t taste anything and it’s freaking Thanksgiving!

I really could go on but I won’t be that ungrateful.


It’s Friday

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I’m ready for the weekend. I have a few things planned. Just got to get through today. My mood is weird I’m in a good mood but stressed. So there is a line of tension. I went home early yesterday and slept all day. I think my body needed it. 

The ex finally got a lawyer and is contesting some divorce things. This is not helping my stress levels. I’m scared it’ll be a battle and to think I was nice and generous I felt. But then again in his best interest I guess to have his own…though I’m not sure what there is to contest it was the usual with these things. Grrr. 

I’ve been spending money like crazy I need to get back on track. It just brings me some relief like food does. If I get the transfer I’ll need to find a therapist in my work area. Maybe I can get in before September. Let’s hope.

Would you want to know?

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I ran into a women at Wal-Mart who worked with my ex husband. She said I heard your divorcing ex and gave me a hug. She said she was happy and excited for me. She said he had texted her to tell her we had separated. She asked me if I wanted to know about my ex. I said no. What I don’t know doesn’t make me obsessive yet my curiosity is there too… How bad was it? She couldn’t help herself and said let me tell you this he’s a pig. I then changed the subject. My question is would you have wanted the info or am I better off not knowing?

Life happenings

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I’m sitting here at a casino waiting for my boyfriend and his mom to get done gambling. I lost too much money and didn’t understand how the machines worked. It leaves me to my thoughts.

I am not sure I want the promotion I’m trying for. It entails an hour drive everyday to and from. I have it pretty cushy where I am now and the pay is only like a hundred dollars a month. That’ll be gas. Plus it’ll be harder work. I know it’s good to be challenged but not to fail but then why do I have myself failing already?

The divorce should be over soon. It goes to court in a few weeks. I’m ready to have it in writing. I got my kids some cell phones and there has been drama. Which is not healthy for my anxiety. 

I feel myself getting resentful of things in life. I need to learn to let things go. Not be so sensitive.

I also have had a lot of negative thoughts about myself. Whether body image perfectionism our my parenting. I am really being unfair and an asshole to myself. All things I need to work on. Sigh.


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It’s time to share some random facts about me for my new and older readers. I’m going to give five.

  1. I just got an iPhone. The screen is smaller then I had with my android by a lot from 6 to 4.7 but I like it. Any apps I totally need?
  2. My new favorite singer is halsey. It could be partially because she’s bipolar as well.
  3. Tomorrow I find out some changes at work. I’m anxious about it but at the same time I feel like I have no power so why be anxious.
  4. Friday the ex was served divorce patties so thirty days I should be divorced.
  5. I am actually despite my mental health state actually enjoying the summer. Something I haven’t in a long time.

What are five things about you…you’d like to share?


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My son will have brain surgery at the end of May. The Dr wants the effects of the steroids to wear off and not have him miss school. I have a feeling it will be sooner as he is already having headaches and fevers which off steroids will most likely escalate. Time will tell. Ultimately is more waiting. 

There was drama today between ex and my mom but it didn’t phase me. Go hypo mania yay. I feel numb too it it’s weird. I was proud of myself I was assertive twice today also with ex before the drama. Hot damn. It felt good.

Anxiety and positives

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I met the ex new gf dropping off my oldest to him at the store. There was no drama. She seems nice. I don’t feel jealous or angry. That’s a good sign. Frankly as long a she’s good to the children that’s all I care about. 

Still a little anxious hearing about what all my fourteen year has to say. But I’m working on dealing with controlling my control issues 🙂 I just need thicker skin. 

I work tomorrow then talk to son’s Dr Tuesday. I’m of course anxious for that too.

I took time to enjoy nature today and went for a hike. That’s a positive. I’ve are pretty healthy today another plus. I’m not drowning in self pity… Go me! Let’s hope I can keep this momentum.