divorce

Welcome

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It’s time to share some random facts about me for my new and older readers. I’m going to give five.

  1. I just got an iPhone. The screen is smaller then I had with my android by a lot from 6 to 4.7 but I like it. Any apps I totally need?
  2. My new favorite singer is halsey. It could be partially because she’s bipolar as well.
  3. Tomorrow I find out some changes at work. I’m anxious about it but at the same time I feel like I have no power so why be anxious.
  4. Friday the ex was served divorce patties so thirty days I should be divorced.
  5. I am actually despite my mental health state actually enjoying the summer. Something I haven’t in a long time.

What are five things about you…you’d like to share?

update

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My son will have brain surgery at the end of May. The Dr wants the effects of the steroids to wear off and not have him miss school. I have a feeling it will be sooner as he is already having headaches and fevers which off steroids will most likely escalate. Time will tell. Ultimately is more waiting. 

There was drama today between ex and my mom but it didn’t phase me. Go hypo mania yay. I feel numb too it it’s weird. I was proud of myself I was assertive twice today also with ex before the drama. Hot damn. It felt good.

Anxiety and positives

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I met the ex new gf dropping off my oldest to him at the store. There was no drama. She seems nice. I don’t feel jealous or angry. That’s a good sign. Frankly as long a she’s good to the children that’s all I care about. 

Still a little anxious hearing about what all my fourteen year has to say. But I’m working on dealing with controlling my control issues 🙂 I just need thicker skin. 

I work tomorrow then talk to son’s Dr Tuesday. I’m of course anxious for that too.

I took time to enjoy nature today and went for a hike. That’s a positive. I’ve are pretty healthy today another plus. I’m not drowning in self pity… Go me! Let’s hope I can keep this momentum.

agitated

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I’m agitated. The ex hasn’t taken the kids in what three weeks? Maybe four but he wanted them for Easter. He’s on his way to get them now. I tried to tell him middle son has been sick but he says he can take care of him. Plus middle son has a way of telling everyone’s business so I worry about what he’ll say. Not that I do anything wrong it’s just I don’t want to be judged. I’m probably worrying too much but last time didn’t go so well so there is history. 

I wish I could be a bitch and not care but I do. I wish I had the balls to write everything in an email but we don’t hate each other so I feel that’s not a good way to be. But it would take some emotion out of it I think. But who knows. 

optimism

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Do you think despite the cards you’ve been dealt in life your an optimistic person? I feel I try to be but it’s difficult when I’m stuck in my head. 

Anyway just a thought tonight as I sit here bored and feeling friendless.

random day 04/14/2017

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Today I got my iron infusion. It only took an hour and she found a vein on the first try. Go me!

Then I paid some bills… Treated my boys to lunch. they are on spring break and went to my parents for the new budgeting review. Then I took a nap. Now I’m hungry but it’s close to dinner time so I guess I wait it out. 

I saw this on Facebook and it totally clicked.

I always beat myself up for not allowing myself to be happy. But this tells me I’m not the only one. It’s true this darkness exists and you never know when it’ll be triggered. It’s sad yet comforting.

My son isn’t feeling well today and a fever has developed so it is progressing. I guess good thing we have appt Tuesday. The whole thing sucks ass. Duh right! 

Overall with everything on my plate I’m doing really well. I need to call the ex and talk about a few things. I’m dreading that conversation and praying I don’t get triggered. 

now what

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The kids father finally had a Saturday off so he has taken the younger two for the day/night. I don’t know what to do with myself. My oldest is hanging out with friends. So I’m alone. Spring cleaning is done for the day. Yes there is more to do but that’s no fun. I just sit here and worry about what the kids will say about living with me though here is where they want to be it still makes me paranoid. This divorce with children thing is for shit. I’d feel better if we had it in writing but we aren’t there yet. 

I wish I had friends to hang out with but it just shows how lonely I am. My boyfriend is coming after work but that will be late tonight so I do have that to look forward to. I’d be totally lost without him but at the same time I feel independent of him. Does that make sense? What’s wonderful is for once someone is not my identity. He’s not saving me but giving me love that I do deserve. I struggle wondering why he has picked me but that’s just self esteem issues. I’m happy he has. 

Anyway if anyone is lonely too tonight feel free to email me at Iammyownisland@gmail.com i could use a chat.