depression

I can

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I can get through this. I can love myself again. I can want to live.

I know I can but I get caught up in my mind. All I want to do is sleep there I don’t have worries or failures. I’m fully depressed I know it. I can’t concentrate and I feel sluggish. Where did the day’s go where I feel even? I want those days back.

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To the suicidal parents

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Here’s a link to an uplifting article. I feel it in my soul.

To the Suicidal Mama Fighting to Stay Alive for Her Kids

Another day

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I’m fighting the urge to take a mental health day. I’ve been blessed with another day to live and enjoy instead I sit here full of anxiety. I so want to be “normal” to not care about things so deeply. I think this whole supervisor thing has worn me down. I said it yesterday I’ll say it again… I need to let stuff go. Take a deep breath and say I got this. Because ultimately I usually do.

Need

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I need toughen up like a hard boiled egg. I need to learn to let go of things. I need to realize you can’t make everyone happy. I just don’t seem to have the skill set even with therapy I still struggle. It’s no way to live life.

Interesting

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I got told because of my mental health I won’t get a supervisor position at work. Though I can have a less stressful job with same pay. I’m torn because the one position I really want is being offered. Yet I feel offended but she’s probably right about being able to supervise people. Ugh I’m so conflicted. How would you feel if you got told your mental health is a reason for not getting promoted?

Love

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I’ve been slacking in reading blogs and being supportive but yet you all are so supportive of me I can’t be more thankful.

Today is Monday so back to work. I thought I was ready but frankly now that it’s here I am ready for the weekend.

I’m trying for a loving and grateful heart today. I’m thankful I’m alive and my children are safe and I have caring parents and the care of you guys. I have food and a roof. I have a job that is a trigger but fulfilling. I am blessed and today I see that.

Update 41519 — wishes

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I had my second iron infusion on Friday. I took the whole day off so I’m on my third day if right now. I bought new bedroom set and am rearranging my bedroom. I in true fashion am making a bigger mess then probably need be. Just another thing I use against myself.

I want to be one of the pretty people with the perfect house job husband life. But I know that doesn’t exist for anyone but I’m sure more people then me attain it.

I am fully depressed. It was triggered by an event I don’t even need to be on the clock for. I got an after hour text that this family was giving up on this child. When did people become disposable? I know people don’t make those choices lightly but how do you decide just because someone isn’t a good fit to throw them away? I’m sorry I can’t be more specific but I probably said more then I should. But it breaks my heart. What we do to each other.

I want my fairytale. I want to find people in my life who make me better. Being nearly friendless is lonely. I’m just so blah right now. I wish I could convey my raw feelings on this page but it’s just words. I wish I could get real hugs and sit with you all and have a real conversation. Sigh… I want to say so much… but why bother? I’ll still be flawed and lonely.