Change

This is it right here

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I yearn for this place. But does it even exist? I know it’s not where I currently live that’s why I need a change of scenery. When I was in Australia I felt peace… At home… If only I knew now what my life would become oh the things I’d do differently. I of course can’t move to Australia but maybe somewhere bigger than here. Who knows what the future holds.

#loveme day nineteen

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I feel strongly I need to make a change. I can’t keep going on like this… Lonely, bored, miserable. I can’t wait to make the changes. I just hope I can.

Things to remember

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I seem to find trouble. I’m a magnet for it or maybe more trouble I create in my mind. I make poor choices and I don’t know why. Is it normal with someone with both bipolar and borderline personality disorder?

I’m still craving a change just not sure what change. I think I’ve burned some career bridges by being vocal I’m bipolar but maybe I’m being paranoid.

I had a mammogram today due to my age and family history. They needed a baseline for future mammograms. I don’t think I have breast cancer but I keep thinking what if I do. Hypochondriac at it’s best.

Bitchy

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If you couldn’t tell from my previous post I’m bitchy today. I’m tired of where I live and what it has to offer. I want a change so bad I can taste it. But sometimes change takes money I don’t have. I know moving won’t change my mental health problems but I think it will improve them. I’m so lonely here and I’m not sure how to branch out without it being a church. And I’ve had no luck finding a church to be a part of even when I was the church Secretary my views were to liberal for them. Please send positive thoughts our prayers that something will work out.

Toxic people

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I agree with this statement. The thing of it is when do we know it’s our kind of crazy or just a toxic friendship or relationship?

I know I’m attracted to alcoholics. I have a special kind of radar. I also confuse sex with love. I love to have people fall in love with me or platonicly I want my friends to want to talk to me all the time etc.

Statistics show people with mental illness are more likely to be victims than create victims. Yet the media portrays it so differently. Even the system victimize us. I’m so sick of it. But how do we change it?

What to do with me

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Make me colorful please

I am in this weird place. THe meds are working for the hypos but not the depression. I miss the hypos as I gave a shit and I loved myself. Now I just want to do nothing … not even blog and wallow. My ambition is gone my joy of life is gone except one unhealthy area that I am addicted to (btw not anything illegal) stupid not anonymous blog that i can’t tell you guys about it.

The new position I took will be less anxiety but right now I am in full anxiety mode. It is starting to calm down. But I still feel overwhelmed. Gah! I am sure a lot of this is self induced but I don’t care to change it. When I am in it in I am enjoying it and there is nothing more calming. This is how I know things are such bad choices. My mind is scattered which is probably not unusual but its getting on my last nerve. Well I guess that is my life right now. I wanted to change the world and I can’t even change myself.

Bored

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Tomorrow I transfer to a supposedly known to be less job in the county over from mine. It has mostly perks but I’ve draw back… the drive home. I will like the drive there. I already know this as I’ve had a similar drive before. Today has become very boring due to all this and forever. Nothing good on tv I’m bored just on the edge of depression. I can feel it sitting there waiting.

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