I decided to journal through the book like a review/catharsis kind of thing. So without any further adieu I have finished Chapter One of Boundaries — When To Say Yes When To Say No To Take Control of Your Life.
The beginning of the book is a day in a life of a women who has resentment, lethargic resentment, and doubt. Basically Me. It is God based and I am thankful for that but I could see how it could turn off others. Overall other than relating to the women in the “story” I found these excerpts pertinent.
Woman or man, we can all identify with Sherrie’s
dilemma—her isolation, her helplessness, her confusion, her
guilt. And, above all, her sense that her life is out of control.
Look closely at Sherrie’s circumstances. Parts of Sherrie’s
life may be remarkably similar to your own. Understanding her
struggle may shed light on yours. You can immediately see a few
answers that don’t work for Sherrie.
First, trying harder isn’t working. Sherrie expends lots of
energy trying to have a successful life. She isn’t lazy. Second,
being nice out of fear isn’t working. Sherrie’s people-pleasing
efforts don’t seem to bring her the intimacy she needs. Third,taking responsibility for others isn’t working. A master of taking care of the feelings and problems of others, Sherrie feels like her life is a miserable failure. Sherrie’s unproductive energy, fearful niceness, and over responsibility point to the core problem: Sherrie suffers from severe difficulties in taking ownership of her life. (Page 22-23)
- Trying harder and harder with limited results —- Check
- Being a nice people pleaser — Check
- Too much responsibility never saying no — Check
- Doesn’t take ownership of my life — uhm I never thought of it this way and I don’t want to think about it being an issue so I have to go with — Check
When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they
raise good questions:
1. Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
2. What are legitimate boundaries?
3. What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
4. How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy,
5. Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting
6. How do boundaries relate to submission?
7. Aren’t boundaries selfish?
Misinformation about the Bible’s answers to these issues has
led to much wrong teaching about boundaries. Not only that, but
many clinical psychological symptoms, such as depression, anxiety
disorders, eating disorders, addictions, impulsive disorders,
guilt problems, shame issues, panic disorders, and marital and
relational struggles, find their root in conflicts with boundaries.
This book presents a biblical view of boundaries: what they
are, what they protect, how they are developed, how they are
injured, how to repair them, and how to use them. This book
will answer the above questions and more. Our goal is to help
you use biblical boundaries appropriately to achieve the relationships
and purposes that God intends for you as his child. (Page 24 End of Chapter 1)
I agree those are good scary questions and the list of psychological symptoms well I have most of them.
- Anxiety Disorder
- Eating Disorder — which is my addiction
- Impulsive disorders
- Guilt Problems
- Shame Problems
- Panic Disorders (though I think these aren’t due to Panic Disorders but a psychic thing I got going on — but that is a whole nother post)
- Martial/Relationship problems. My marriage often suffers due to all the above and my resentment and anger. I recently had an issue at work due to my misreading a situation where if I had boundaries in place I couldn’t put myself in saying the wrong thing that blew out of hand.
Again I am ok with the Biblical aspect of it. I am Christian who recently re-connected with God but I do believe in the possibility of reincarnation and I respect Buddhism as a theology. No matter the choice I am just ready for some concrete actualization and change.
So I had my first therapy appointment with the fourth therapist I have ever went to. Each time I have been enlightened. This time I am more desperate and have an added issue of knowing enough of psychology to be dangerous. I am a social worker by trade. I went back to school three years ago to finish my degree. I use to be in banking. Yes a total 180 and a total culture shock. It is the one think in life I am feel I am really great at. I know I am a good Mom but I am human so it makes it hard to be great or awesome at it.
I gave him my general information and told him I think my core issue is self worth. I feel I have great self esteem as in general I think I am awesome but some how I de-value myself over all in the big picture. I am a martyr. I get resentful. I get angry. I attract alcoholics and damaged people that I mis-read and try to fulfil something in/for them and de-value myself. When he asked me why I do this. I have no real answer the closest thing I thought of was fear of failure but he doesn’t believe and it is just a guess on my end.
I have to chuckle in a sad way as he was at a lose to know how to help me. He said we have to work together to figure out the truth…. the blind spot as to why I keep de-valuing myself and self medicating with food and medication. And why I have issues with setting boundaries or mis-reading social ques when someone is toxic for me. It is so frustrating sometimes I wonder if hypnosis would help clear the blind spot. I guess I will keep thinking on it.
He did request I read the book above about understanding boundaries. I agree I need help with it so I am eager to read it. I was going to maybe read a different boundary book specific to difficult people but this one is broader and incorporates work, marriage, etc. I am excited to read it.
He wants to see me weekly of possible but I am not sure i can do that. My next one is next Thursday. I hope I have an epiphany by then 😀 the people pleaser in me wants him to be impressed. Dag nabbit… change is hard!