I’m stressed today. Though I haven’t shut down which is a plus. I feel like I want to. But the fact I am not is a good feeling. I just want this week over. I know it’s not good to want to rush things but I feel it.
Always the martyr… does anyone else do this? I use to be bad at it but recently I’ve noticed I don’t care if anyone notices. It’s quite refreshing.
So I don’t have work worries so much as it’s the weekend but I woke up with some self loathing. I really wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It’s hell never knowing what may trigger you or how you’ll wake up. I spoke of recovery yesterday maybe I don’t know what that is. I’m not depressed just down on myself. My life should be so different. I want to cry but can’t. Maybe I need to grieve the person I was before all this diagnosis. Sure she was a hot mess but she had a life and wasn’t stuck in her head.
Right now I’m in a good place. It feels weird. Yet I like it. Recovery might just be possible.
This is where I’m at. I keep thinking of that dream and the what ifs and the does he think of me bs. I’m having sensory memories that are making hard to not obsess. But the past is the past and there is a reason for that. I need to remember that. I’m sure he doesn’t think of me or have dreams anymore. It makes me wonder why I do. Does the heat want to torment the mind?
I had a very vivid dream last night of a relationship that didn’t work out and I’m very regretful of. I felt so happy to be around this person it makes me wonder if he’s my one true love.
Or is it just my mind playing tricks on me? There is no way to have this person in my life and that makes me sad but I understand why. It’s just will I be forever longing for that relationship? Ugh!