I was looking at drafts on my blog and found this snippet from ten months ago.
Other than the last two days, and making a new friend. I feel not much bright spots in life. I’m so sensitive and paranoid about everything people do or say. I’m back to pre mood stabilizer I think. Then comes darker thoughts. I hate it.
I don’t know who the new friend is/was. I don’t remember that far back. In general I am doing much better. I haven’t had a dark thought in which I wanted to actually act on since I can remember. That is a huge positive because I have had some shitty days recently. I wonder what triggered my mood to be so dark. Wish I would have written more. I wonder why I didn’t publish it either. Maybe I felt it was too real and dark to publish. I really don’t know. I never go back and read old posts so this is a little eery to me but cathartic too.
Or a different title… Angela why are you a fuck up? This is a post you could say is pensive or whiny depending on your mood or interpretation.
Why do I make choices I know are bad for me?
Why do I lie to myself about my intentions?
Why do I make those choices then regret them and feel poorly about myself?
I know this is vague but really the choices I make that are poor are often mundane things I let eat at me. Some are huge and I know I will regret them but still. I make them, WHen I was eighteen I always said I was going to make choice in life and have no regrets, HA what a childish joke. I use to live so fearlessly. Where is that person now? Where is that girl who could be outrageous and not feel anxious the person will hate her for being herself,
All I am now is one anxiety ball that I created myself. I am such bullshit. Fuck me and my shitty ass choices. It’s time to buckle up buttercup and care more for yourself so you can forgive (see that what I did there??? you’d know if you read my last post 😀 ) your past and embrace your future.
I will be having a moment of silence today for all who have succumb to the desire and either attempted or succeed. Attempting”runs in my family.” So I family wise and personally know these thoughts.
I am thankful my fog is lifting and I have a proper diagnosis. I am not thankful for the clearer head that sees, feels, and knows all the bad choices, I made all those years trying to act as if I did not have mental health issues. I had gastric bypass five years ago. I almost died to be skinny. I went from almost 400 lbs to under 200 hundred. Then I could give a lot of excuses and some very legit ones but they won’t chance that I have gained over a hundred of it back.
I feel shame, hatred, and disgust with myself. I don’t know how to NOT be a binge/compulsive eater. I am so filled with these feelings that at 37 I am desperate to feel the release that teens and twenty year old’s do. Here is the quick thought snippet unedited I wrote yesterday.
Binge ate on chips want something d sweet bad. Now feel physically sick. .. hate myself and really want to kill self them thought of Cutting as viable way to Stop The Binge eating all i really know is I’m fucked up
Saturday, April 12, 2014 1:24pm
In the moment when I wrote this, I really think I would have cut my thigh or stomach if I knew how to do it. I thought about googling how people do it safely. WHAT THE FUCK! The thing that stopped me was if anyone on my phone or computer saw the google search then they would know my shame. I couldn’t have that as children just now reaching puberty. So I took some klonopine and slept. Today I feel the same way but it isn’t as strong. I have kept myself busy and then found this picture on facebook and decided to share my struggle no matter how embarrassing or shameful.
I want to change my eating habits. I know I feel better as I notice when I binge it causes my anxiety to skyrocket and get stomach aches. I will have my self esteem back. I will have at least one of these demons (I feel the bipolar II is chemical and biological but the eating disorder NOS and borderline personality disorder I think are more of a nurture/poor coping skills symptoms that has become a mental health illness — hope that made sense!) in recovery. Then I will believe there is a chance of recovery/remission (what ever the fuck it’s called) because I really don’t. But that is a whole other post for a whole other day.
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I was going to start with the rant but decided not to make the folks who came here looking for the youtube videos to suffer through it. I will preface the rant to say I am home sick which has lead me to be exhausted but not able to sleep. So what do you do when you should be at work and worrying about not being able to be at work. You watch youtube videos. I had been on a the TV show House Netflix marathon earlier in the week until I got sick and now my hypochondria just know what I have is some rare thing only a doctor like House can figure out! But alas Hugh Laurie is just a use to be a Dr on tv and not real.
Ok so here is the links to each video that I found to be useful in describing and or better understanding Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar (mainly II the kind I have)
Please let me know if there is any articles or videos you think would be good for me to watch. I know a couple I am going to have my husband watch as I know it’s hard to understand when you live with someone and it all seemed normal and then the normal got worse and labeled. He has been great about it but the borderline disorder makes me feel often he doesn’t give a shit about knowing me as he doesn’t share enough of my expectations of interest. I think it will help.
Ok so rant time…. I am home sick. TMI: with horrible diarrhea and one of the things they think I have is a bacteria that is highly contagious. I had it years ago when I spent three weeks almost dying in the hospital. It is a bactaria that usually only gets out of control in your intestines when your immune system is week but since I have had it once I can get it again. Our house has been a plague of the flu and strep throat and I have been fairly lucky. I wonder if this is why I maybe got it again. The shitter (ha) is the fucking doctor ran every blood test including cholesterol (WTF when did that cause horrible non stop diarrhea?) and my thyroid. Then I had to traumatically collect my own feces to be cultured. There is a reason I am not a nurse and thank God for those that can be. The nurse called this am and said all my blood tests are fine — duh I wasn’t in there for that. I asked about the stool cultures. She said those can take up to four days if they were sent out. WHAT THE FUCK. I can’t go to work and I can’t get medicine as the doctor said if she gives me anti diarrhea pills and it is C diff then it will back up the bacteria and eat a hole in my colon and she doesn’t want to give me antibiotics until we know. Mean while I need to work but can’t. I may be contagious and well duh who wants to work with the person who touches everything and stinks from the gas or running to get to the bathroom in time. I tried it yesterday morning and it wasn’t good. THe actual dr won’t be in until this afternoon. I will call back and bitch at her. I want to at least get a note saying I can’t work to cover my ass. (ha … well at least I still have my humor right? FUCK FUCK FUCK) The nurse then said when I was like what the fuck that she really didn’t know if was sent out to be processed or in the local hospital I delivered it too. It could only be two days. Still not at all helpful with the grossness, pain, and embarrassment of it all. It is amazing that in the community that I live in the number of doctors I have professionally and personally (at least fifty) I have only worked or had reasonable care from three. Hell one totally misdiagnosed my son’s cancer and he almost died! Ok rant over for now.
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