Paranoia be gone

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Still hypo … but paranoia has settled in. I feel like something bad is about to happen. I don’t know what but something. I hope I’m wrong but I can’t shake it. Still fixated and energized but unfortunately my meds counter balance the energy so it just feels like I want to crawl out of my skin. And rapid heart beats randomly. This is no fun.

When the mind revolts

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As I said yesterday I am reading Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth. I am into chapter two and my mind is revolting. The core of me wants to read more and become enlightened. Then there is a part of me that wants to not read it. Not sure which is winning. The fact I am sitting here writing this instead of reading might be a tell tale sign. lol

So far here are some nuggets I want to share that I have underlined from chapter one. This is not a book review but my sharing some mind blowing ideas I am trying to understand.

I am not sure how in blogging you are suppose to give credit but on page nine of my book he writes …”According to Christian teachings, the normal collective state of humanity is on of “original” sin. Sin is a word that has been greatly misunderstood and misinterpreted. Literally translated from the ancient Greek in which the New Testament was written, to sin means to miss the mark as in an archer who misss the target, so to sin means to miss the point of human existence It means to live unskillfully, blindly, and thus to suffer and cause suffering. Again, the term, striped of its cultural baggage and misinterpretation, points to the dysfunction inherent in the human condition.”

Boom mind blown. I have always said the bible has been re-written to fit the Catholics during the stone ages. I am not trying to get religious and argumentative in this post but people couldn’t read and it was up to the monks to translate and share with the masses. So my thinking in this passage is sin is missing out on the grace of God or the freeing enlightenment he can bring you. It’s not about being the perfect Christian but being a person who is without ego or judgement.

Page 13. “You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness.”

Ugh… I wish I could free my mind and really get deep into the passage. I always feel bad. Like I am never good enough. How do I let my goodness emerge? I am hoping the book delves more into it.

Lastly, page 14… “to recognize one’s own insanity is, of course, the arising of sanity, the beginning of healing and transcendence.”

I recognize I have a mental illness. I do not think I am insane but in the book he connects the ego with insanity and being mad. I am not sure I like those kind of terms but I think he is using it liberally. what I do like is the idea I can recover from my mental illness to the point of being free of anxiety, worry, and depression. I want those things. But ultimately how do you get them?

So this is my journey for right now. I plan on keeping writing about the book. I am hoping it forces me to stick with it. I know there are some good things I can garner from it. I am ready to be a better person and be more free.

Stop the stigma

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I’m not sure what all nami does but they are right the stigma needs to stop. We are not all child abusers or murders. In fact most of us only think to harm ourselves. We are our own worst enemy we don’t need anyone’s help in that. Or maybe I should just speak for myself.

My anxiety is high today. I have a lot of driving to do this afternoon and I’ve got this dread I’m going to get in a car wreck. Though I think it has more to do with my son having a job interview and I don’t want him disappointed if he doesn’t get the job. Plus my mom is taking him so I have no control over the situation and I’ll be out of cell phone range. Ugh.


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Why Do we make things complicated and messy? Is it human nature to be flawed in such a way that we make things hard. I don’t feel it’s just people with mental illness only. I see it in my friends too. Can’t things just be easy?

I have bipolar

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I thought this made a good point. I think I always say I am bipolar instead of having it. My son has cancer I don’t say my son is cancer. I want to de stigmatize yet I think now… am I sing to it by the way I present it? Or am I overthinking it all?

Btw I also have borderline personality disorder and binge eating disorder. I have a gambit of issues you could say 🙂

Obsessive thoughts

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I’m feeling a little obsessive in my thinking pattern. It’s over little stuff which makes me think my mind is targeting the nonsense in lieu of caring about the big stuff. It mainly stems from my phone. I often think I should just shut it off but then I’d be obsessing over it more. It’s mainly things like is someone going to text me or well my blog get another like. Things that are important to me but in the whole scheme of like not life changing like other aspects of my life. Does any of this even make sense? I’m feeling so lost.