anxiety

A solid person

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The problem with my job is I care too much. I realized this morning. I want to have meaningful working relationships with people that don’t in return. I’m investing more thought time in it then maybe -because I could be wrong-then them. I need to work on guarding my heart. Especially in the role I’m in at work right now. I just need to hang on until my replacement is hired and I can go back to my niche.

I’m going to be forgiving as some days I may fail at this. Strengthening your mental heart is difficult but I need to do it if I’m going to stay in this profession.

I have a loving family I am lucky there are a lot of people who don’t. I’m blessed that I have a home and a job that wants to keep me. I struggle I really do but when my head gets fuzzy I need to learn to count my blessings.

Today I’m not going to wallow. I am going to work on small projects and get some things done. Feel accomplished that’ll do me some good. 😋

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Rambling

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I had a melt down at work. I actually cried. My boss was supportive but no real solutions on lessening my work load.

I need a way to learn to separate work thoughts from off work thoughts. They are so intermingled.

My son is having difficulty with friends at school. I want to fix it but can’t. He’s a great kid though a little odd. He just doesn’t fit in anywhere. I know he’s depressed but I don’t think meds or therapy will help. I don’t think it’s too that point. But of course it makes me feel bad and worry.

It’s my day off from work so my mood is ok. Just can’t shut my brain off. I tried online counseling again I got a free week through a different company and this counselor had been very ineffective. I think online just isn’t for me. I told him I feel like nothing and needed to talk to someone. He said use my coping skills but never asked me what those skills might be. Sigh.

On a side note I got a message from WordPress been on here six years. I think four had been this blogs identity. I had an anonymous one before that I deleted. But man does time fly.

Nothing

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I feel like nothing. I want to cry but can’t. I’m a freaking mess. This stress is going to kill me. I don’t know how to get my shit together. I want the numbness of yesterday. My heart hurts today.

When feelings go numb

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My feelings are numb today. The only one remotely showing up is anxiety. It ebbs and flows. I’m thinking of taking a whole week off at Christmas. I need the break but then it just backs up my work. But then I think do I really care?

I just want to get to the weekend. Is that possible? I slept too much last night. I think it’s annoying my boyfriend but maybe I’m paranoid. I just can’t care at night about anything but sleeping. I must be more depressed then I think.

Life does get better doesn’t it?

Today I have hope

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I went to the doctor and she took a lot of blood. I’m praying something comes back abnormal. Is that sad? I thought I came to terms with being bipolar and I’m further then I was three months ago. But like when I knew there was more to my mental health then depression I feel health wise there is something more then bipolar. Something not simple. Maybe I’m grasping at straws. We shall see.

So tired

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So tired of the whining

The anxiety

The suicide thoughts

This life

My job

Having a mental illness

Being ineffective

Making poor choices

financial troubles

That’s right

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Another day of not getting enough done. I just can’t freaking concentrate or care.

I did some more research on ECT it’s essentially brain trauma and though I want to be better it scares me so that’s out.

I forgot I had an appointment with a holistic nurse Wednesday. I’ve had the appt for months. They called to remind me. I’m hopeful but not to hopeful. I doubt they get too many mental health cases but I could be wrong.

I’ve been thinking of my word of the year for next year. I’ve got a couple in mind. We shall see which one wins lol.

Anyway I hope all of you are doing well and as always I appreciate you.