I made this art piece for my parents yesterday
Also here is a picture of me and parents when I was about six
I wish I was that little again. Life was similar. Now I’m older and today I feel broken. Or maybe more so defeated. I’ve had suicidal ideation which I haven’t had in a couple of weeks. What a nice break that was. My birthday is in two days. I want anxious about until right now. We all have to get older right?
How telling do you think dreams are? Last night I had a vivid dream and it stated what in my dream was my biggest regret in life. I’ve never consciously thought this was my biggest regret but I can see it now. I’m trying not to obsess over it as I can’t change it.
My youngest two are at there dad’s. They haven’t seen him in months. I’m anxious about what they are doing and what will be said. Again not trying to obsess.
I’m thinking about doing some work from home but am stuck between not giving a fuck and worried about how much I need to do. The thought of working is dreadful to me.
I’m also thinking of going to our huge nature park and walking around. I think it’ll do me good but my boyfriend is sleeping as he works nights and I feel lost going without him.
I bought a new coloring set. Not that I needed it. I’m thinking of putting on some meditative music and coloring. I also have an idea for some art I want to make for my parents. I have options at least.
Often I want to succumb to the dark. Lie in bed and wallow. Sometimes I do … as sleep often feels like my only refuge. In general though I get up and get done the bare minimum. To be fair sometimes more then that but I feel that’s a rarity.
I had weird dreams last night which work thoughts invaded. It has left me anxious. I regret moving offices. That’s the thing about regret you can’t take it back. Or can you?
This is how I feel at work. I wish I wasn’t so quite. But I feel like I’m often in emotional overload a lot of the time. I dream of a different job but insurance and pay is too much. Until I get to the point I’m failing which I fear I’m already there.
Once again Bpqueen really wrote something that resonated with me. She talked about recovery and how it all looks different for everyone’s we need to see the positives in our recovery.
I struggle with even believing I can be recovered. Bipolar is not like an addiction I can quit cold turkey. But now I’m thinking I need to see it more gray then black and white.
I can now see that I may be addicted to negative coping skills and feelings. I am doing better at life then a year ago. I’m not one foot into the hospital. I’m not dependent on my anxiety meds. I actually can meditate in my own way. I can clear the junk out and breath. I am not recovered fully and I probably never will be but if I can improve that is good enough. I think I’ve said this phrase a lot recently it has to be.
Still overwhelmed. Just got to keep plugging away. I found out through a Google search the job I was trying for is a bit of a scam. I won’t be taking it. I have too much to lose even if the internet information is biased. So I’m stuck. It is getting me down but not hopeless.
How am I exceptional? This is a tough question. I like to say I get up every day and work hard. But so do a lot of other people. I want to be exceptional. I want to live this awesome life and be unique. Well I’m already unique but exceptionally. I’m not sure.
I’m down today. I just feel so overwhelmed at work. I can’t dig myself out. I’m also very anxious. I’m trying to manage it without my meds. We shall see. If only I could stop my thoughts invading me I’d be fine. This is my life though so I’m accepting it.