What being stable means to me

Dare i say i feel stable? It’s a little intimidating to put it into a written thought. I know i should be formulating habits now to sustain me when I’m not so stable. It’s a work in progress.

Stable to me is not wanting to die… feeling joy again… and seeing positive in things. Oh and not ruminating. I still have a late night eating problem and a shopping issue so now is the time to learn to set boundaries for myself.

The eating issue i am not sure how to dig deep and find the trigger. I know therapy could help but dang it i just can’t connect.

I’ve decided i am going to have to learn self boundaries for saying no to myself. Because I’m buying things i don’t need.

I ultimately will plug on. One day at a time. Change doesn’t come in a day.

Positivity to the rescue

Welp… my car only cost me 140.00 as it started for them at the garage. I decided to have them take out the auto starter as it has given me issues for years. I’m happy i stayed positive and like the feeling. I am also trying to be realistic and know it can’t always be that way. I will have negative days as well and that is ok too. I feel blessed in general. And of course never want this feeling to end. Of course we will see what tomorrow brings.

Randomness pure and simple

I think i might have forgotten to tell you my car broke down this weekend. Though i am not thankful for the money to put into the heap i am thankful it worked Friday when i went to clients houses. I’m thankful i signed up for triple aaa just in time to forgo the cost of a tow and I’m thankful i have a little savings. Praying it isn’t going to be a lot to fix but I’m worried it will be.

I am feeling good … this has berm a positive med change for now. I don’t feel depressed though i still lack motivation. I’m not sure how to find that. 😕

I know I’m too hard on myself. I need to give myself credit that i do the best i can. I can’t be perfect. You just try and that has to account for something.

I do hurt my feelings over and over by rehashing scenarios that I’m sure the other people don’t think twice about. Actually i haven’t really been doing this recently… i just realized and i am sure it’s helping my mood. I have a grateful heart for that. It’s so refreshing i wish i could bottle it up and share it.

I get caught up

These two pictures say a lot. I’ve often went on about how others have a better life then me but do they really? I’ve created the negativity and drama of wanting a different life that i will never get. I know i have to live through mental health issues and right now for the most part I’m in a good place. But it’s always a trigger away from not being. So you’d think I’d be getting my life in order… take advantage of stability.. nope and oddly I’m not beating myself up over it. Is this progress or a lull?

Hi there

It’s been a day without blogging. So i thought I’d come on here and chat a little. I feel stable which is a mix of happy and blah. I am plugging along and trying to stay positive.

I got my second dose of the covid vaccine and i feel ok health wise. No fever or headache.

I’m behind on reading blogs but hope to catch up this weekend. I feel sad for my country and unsure of our future.

I guess that’s not much of an update but overall things are going ok and really can’t ask for more than that. How are things with you?

What was decided

I agreed with those that said to look at my posts to how unhappy i am. And the other supportive comments… I think it was good feedback with that said I’m staying at my current job. I just don’t think I’d be any happier in the other position. It would be working with boys who are teens with reactive attachment disorder. And to be financially strapped and deal with being called names and hit etc i don’t think I’d be in a better mental spot. Plus it was twelve hours overnight and i have fourteen year old boy still at home. The cons outweigh the pros.

It makes me wonder how we find happiness. It has to come from within right? Yet i sabotage it too often. It’s not the scenery it’s the place inside.

On a side note I’m sitting here waiting to see if i get a reaction to my second covid vaccination. I should be good to go unless it mutates too much. This pandemic has been hard on everyone.

What to do…

I got the other job but i went to put in my two weeks notice and my boss asked me to reconsider. She says i do a great job and should stick it out. Frankly i don’t know if i can afford the pay cut at the other place. I told her I’d think about it today. I need a guiding voice to tell me what to do. I’ve prayed on it and frankly i don’t know the answer. I’m afraid i won’t be happy anywhere.

What if

I woke up one day and actually did all the things i wanted to do like exercise and eat healthy… journal and cleaned my house. What a miracle that’d be. In a perfect world right?

I do good with what i have though… i need to give myself some credit. I go to work … I’m raising children on my own… and i struggle to frankly stay alive some days with scary thoughts. I’m a bad ass damn it and tonight I’m happy to be. Forget the what ifs.

Paralyzed

I feel paralyzed in fear of my brain. I don’t get anything done and i haven’t taken a shower in several days. I know if it wasn’t for the meds I’d be in full depression mode. It’s weird though i feel split in two… perfectly fine and blatantly miserable.

If i thought 2021 was going to miracleously be perfect i was so wrong. Yet i feel I’m in the right direction. I truly am having a bipolar moment my mind split in two directions.

My word of the year is intention. I want to follow a path of good and make positive changes. I want connections and good intentions. I just have to figure out how.

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