Up and down

Ugh i am feeling less empty today. I appreciate you all and do consider you friends. This community has been good to me. I wish we could have a cup of coffee and enjoy each other’s company.

I haven’t watched the news in a few days as this talk of covid and it not going away wears on me. I am in my second day of thinking as a healthy person and it’s going ok. I got on the scale yesterday and it wasn’t “as bad” as i thought it might be. So that’s a blessing.

Work is ok. My family is good. I’m looking forward to the football game on Sunday. Today I’m going to try and think of little blessings i can enjoy. I think that’s a good start.

Empty

I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t for the psych meds telling my mind …. nothing to see here move along… I’d be in the hospital again. Should i be grateful? I feel empty inside yet full of regrets and self chiding I’ve upgraded from dead inside but only because the brain chatter is immense.

How do you go from feeling joy again to utter defeat? I just don’t know or i do but when does having a mental disorder not an excuse?

It doesn’t help that i have no friends to hang out with even in a pandemic. No one to call upon and say hey remember that time?

I pray this gets better… the up and down is too much sometimes and i don’t know what to do with myself.

Just trying

I’m just trying to get today over with. But it’s dragging. I feel on edge but not quite anxious. I’m so ready for the weekend. I’ve felt nauseous a lot and slight headaches but not full on sick just enough to be annoying. I am feeling like life is one shit fest day after another. What’s that saying… same shit different day. I almost feel dead inside. I pray this feeling goes away soon … duh right who doesn’t want to feel alive all the time.

So what

I have a lot on my plate today and i just need to get through it. All i want to do is stay in bed today. So what if i let it all go to shit. But of course i won’t. If nothing else i try hard to give a shit. And sadly i do too much. I’m a mess today in my head if you can’t tell. I feel almost angry at the world but not quite. Just the edges. I will get through it and tomorrow will be another day. I just am wondering what’s the point?

Identity

So I’m reading atomic habits and it has me anxious. It’s an amazing book and I’m catching on I’m pretty sure.

The thing is at its core is says to change your habits you need to change your beliefs and identify or how you identify with yourself. Don’t just be a someone who runs marathons be a runner in general.

The crux is I’ve always identified as fat. My mom instilled this belief as a child to the point i would steal and hoard food to stay fat. About ten years ago i looked at a childhood picture and yes i was pudgy but not fat yet because this was ingrained to be my identity here i am at 44 morbidly obese.

This is a huge awakening for me. I so wish I’d realized this when i almost died from gastric bypass surgery. I maybe could have made real psychological changes BUT i can’t go back. I can only look forward.

The issue I’m running into currently is what identity is not fat? I don’t think skinny is the answer as i don’t know what that is. It’s changing my core belief in myself to healthy person be the identity? I’m so struggling with this that its got me slightly triggered into thinking it’s impossible which is leading to why exist? Damn it I’m going to figure it out though. Does anyone have insight by chance? You can dm me if you feel more comfortable at iaammyownisland@gmail.com

When past comes in dreams

I just had the most vivid dream that was a mix of perfection and torture. Why must we dream about the past and what can never be? And is best left in dark shadows? I wish i had that machine from the movie i think it’s called something like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. It had jim carrey and Kate winslet in it. Anyway i rarely post this late yet i felt compelled to in case it helps wash away these feelings.

Ugh how to stop my negative thoughts

So last night my mind started in with negative thoughts of past grievances and me not being worthy. It hasn’t gotten better. I don’t understand my mind. I feel trapped in this abusive relationship that gets better then turns so quickly. My soul hurts. I just want to have a life where i feel safe in my head.

Today I’ve been giving grace

Today i gave myself grace. I picked up my planners and played in them. I spent money i didn’t need to but hey I’m not broke. I’m reading the four agreements again along with my habit book. I still have a lot to get motivated to do yet if i don’t it’ll be ok. Today I’m kind to myself and enjoying my day. Progress not perfection.

Self sabotage

Meds are working as best they can.  I don’t feel depressed or without joy.  Yet as usual they are not a cure for bipolar.  Nor are they able to “fix” self sabotage or maladaptive thinking patterns. 

I know I’ve been talking of change a lot.  I just want to use this good med cocktail to my advantage.  I can’t seem to get momentum to actually start the process. Life is flashing by and for what?

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