This should be fun

I just didn’t nearly two hours talking to the co worker who got me in hot water a couple months ago. She needed a sounding board and well I feel too many co workers bitch behind her back she might need it. And it was about the one co worker I really can’t stand. Maybe not my brightest moment but we will see what happens the next few days I guess.

The thing is I don’t even know if I care about not being in the drama. I don’t know if it’s a self destruct thing but I stand by everything I said and won’t deny it if brought up. I try to live by the idea of not saying things I don’t want in the open.

Social workers I swear are by far more “messed up” people then any other work group I know. I feel at least I try to be better because how are you going to expect it off others if you can’t yourself? Maybe I’m wrong. I post this to vent and give a written prayer that tomorrow goes well. I guess I’ll see how we all get dragged into it.

Glutton for punishment

I have a lot to say but ultimately it won’t matter. Life is what it is. I am often a glutton for punishment with the impulsive decisions I make. It use to be around food and money… now it’s mainly around money. I also seem to not be able to hurt my Co workers feelings and say no to hanging out when in general they often irritate me. I just hate being the lone person so I agree to do things. I don’t know how to say no sometimes and I do want be more social. Somehow though it ends in drama. We shall see I guess.

And another week begins

I didn’t burn anything down. I did take a four hour nap that screwed my day up as made the weekend way more unproductive. I am always tired and I’m not sure if it underlying depression or something is medically wrong.

I need a shower and to get ready to take my son to work to start my day. I’m sitting here writing instead about to fall asleep. My excitement for my birthday last week has waned and I am left a shell …. I fear.

Let it all burn

I sit here this morning looking at the mess I made in my bedroom trying to organize and clean it and I just have this urge to burn it all down. I know throughout my life I’ve gotten impulsive thoughts that I knew were bad. What do you do with these thoughts?

I spent too much money yesterday going out with Co workers I actually like. Then they invited one I don’t and the night started sucking. Maybe I’m not meant to socialize. Maybe I’m too far into my thoughts to just be. Maybe I haven’t made the progress I thought I did or maybe I just woke up insecure.

This constant bullshit in my head is too much today.

What the f… Friday

My mom is bitching at me in a text about my dogs not being potty trained. I’m so freaking done with lectures. I haven’t even replied. I’m anxiously waiting a phone call about it. Wtf.

My mood is between super anxious at being a failure to having the confidence to be successful. If you can’t believe in yourself who will right? I want so much more out of life yet having a mental illness that can be hard to manage really makes me doubt myself. I don’t know 100% why. Wtf

I don’t understand why people I know can’t catch a break in life. Is there some karmic thing about good people being shit on and people that do things that are hurtful thrive? I know life is hard for everyone at times but I feel certain people have it extremely hard without a fault of their own. Wtf

To go to the gym or not. I really don’t want it to be something I pay for and not use. I got my first person who said they can tell I’m losing weight today without ever telling them I even want to. So that’s awesome. Wtf is wrong with me that is a pain to go to the gym.

Alright those are the four wtf at the moment I got. Do you have any to share?

The fool’s journey

I just pulled my tarot of the day. The question I mediated on was what do I need to know about today. I got the card 0 the fool. I think it’s perfect card for today as my intuition says it’s about my journey of being my own boss doing what I love helping people. Even though doubts crawl in I’m in the right path and since I officially signed up for international certification class today… it’s kinda amazing I got this card. They say they’re is no coincidences in tarot as there are 78 cards and any variety can pop out and if you consider reversals even more possibilities.

I hadn’t been pulling for a month as I no longer get up early in the mornings but with my birthday decided to get back in the habit. I didn’t want to go to bed without pulling a card if the day. And the fact I got this card on today just makes me believe I’m on the right path a new beginning even if my eyes are wide shut going into the great unknown.

Other then that it was a good day. And I can’t ask for more then that.

I did something

I signed up for a certification for the certified life coach classes. When researching it gives legitimacy to becoming one and I’m hoping will give me the skills to be successful. I want to be my own boss this time next year. I’ve been thinking of a business name but not sure remotely if one.

I took out a loan to do the course which I felt was a reasonable price and with a fairly local to me school. I am worried about the payments but I think they are doable. I have Christmas already saved for so that’s one less worry. I just can’t spend extra money that I waste. You have to invest in yourself right?

I can do this. I know I can. I did a pros and cons list and the pros outweighs the few cons I found. The primary being confidence. But I feel I can overcome that with persistence. Anyway positive mojo is appreciated.

Welp 45 years and here’s a few thoughts

I’m proud to be 45 I wear it like a badge of honor. I sit here looking back and am thinking I have been through some things. I am confident in who I am and without those good and bad times I wouldn’t know who I am today.

Who am I? I am divorced mother of three raising my boys primarily alone even though two are in adulthood. I work a fairly high stress job in the mental health field. I am fairly non judgemental due to life experiences and open to new things. I love ferociously and give a damn.

I realize I am sometimes lonely as I don’t have hardly any friends but not the kind of lonely that is regretful as I it is mainly by choice.

Things I want to accomplish in the next year. I’d love to be my own boss. I never thought it possible but I think it is doable at this stage in my life. I’d like to continue to be as stable as possible and work on coping with personal black and white thinking. I’d like to lose some weight for real this year and be healthier.

Ultimately I just want to continue being me and live to see 46 and beyond.

New day

And it’s a Saturday so no work bs to get me down. Just me and my regular self loathing thoughts.

Monday is my birthday ill be 45. I’m not surprised I’ve been lucky enough I live this long what I’m surprised about is where I am in life. I look back at twenty year old me and think what potential she had. Working two jobs going to college wanting the world to be experienced. Now I have no real friends. I barely clean the house and I have the wisdom to realize the world is not my oyster. Where does that leave me?

I realized a couple of days ago. I want to be my own boss. I want by this time next year to be a life coach for mental health. I already essentially do it for a company so why not for myself. Of course that means I need to research make a solid plan and not go into it blindly. I don’t feel this is a manic flight of fancy idea. I think it’s very attainable and viable. If anyone has thoughts or resources on starting your own business please let me know.

Oh and I always tell people like they say those that can’t do teach… those that have a messed up life social work! Most social workers would agree.

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