Every day

I know I’ve been talking about change a lot. It’s the new year so I’m heavy on resolutions.

I completed my first love letter to myself yesterday. The calendar I’m using started this week so i took advantage. I called and left a message for a job i really want. Decided to be proactive and maybe it show gumption.

As usual just trying to get this work week over. 🙄 i guess that’s about it for now. Hoping you all have a good day.

Headache

I have a headache that won’t go away. I’m sure it’s from stress. I am back to really disliking my job. I do look and it’s slim pickings where i live especially since it’s a resort town and is the off season.

I feel on the brink of a depression. I hope I’m wrong. I so want next year to be better but i know i need to keep making positive changes for that to happen. I’m frankly scared to fail at the changes. Every day is the same shit different day kinda thing. Life is meant to be enjoyed and embraced yet having a mental illness you get robbed of it too often. It’s not an excuse just a fact really. So I’m going to work on the small joy where i can find it. Like this blog and community. I so appreciate it.

A nothing kind of day

Thank goodness i have another day off. I did nothing today of importance which was ok yet i still feel a little guilty. How do i make changes if i don’t DO anything?

I did manage to decorate my planners. And pick my words off the year. Now to use it. Is it 21 or 28 days to make a habit? I at least don’t feel depressed and no suicidal thoughts for a couple of weeks. I know meds aren’t a cure but for me they help a lot. I’m very thankful.

And my boyfriend and i had a good talk last night. I need to give him grace when things aren’t as perfect as i want. Not that he said that but something i realized.

Now to make a planner page for my full on goals and I’d like a routine one too. Oh and a job came open again I’m interested in. Please say a prayer or good mojo i get a chance at it.

Merry Christmas

What did you all get? I got a sprocket which is a mini photo printer. It’s going to go with my love letters this year. I bought myself a new purse and boots. My oldest got me a Starbucks gift card but he said he lost it somewhere. 😒 is the thought though for real. It’s been a good day other than my boyfriend is depressed again so we haven’t talked in two days and for long distance it sucks. I mean a few texts but that’s it. He acted like he didn’t want to tonight either. Sigh.

Anyway… merry Christmas and may you have had a wonderful day.

Christmas eve 2020

I’m restless. I could clean but that’s no fun 😕 after all is Christmas eve. I do wish i had friends to go visit but then again it’s 2020 so who can visit anyway. I guess I’ll figure out something to do. I’m trying to be thankful as restless is better than depressed right?

Here is a couple pictures from last night when we went to see lights.

I hope you all have a great Christmas or holiday whatever you celebrate!

Chugging along

I feel like the little train that could… i think i can i think i can. I’m chugging along. Today I’m having negative self talk. It’s the i live in filth i am filth. Even though I’ve put in a load of laundry and my boys are doing the dishes. I know it’s because my mom is coming over and i can hear her in my mind. I wish i had the budget and clean mindset she has.

It’s not even eleven yet today and this day can’t go fast enough. Maybe it’ll be like yesterday and the afternoon will fly by. Let’s hope.

I think

I think if it wasn’t for the meds I’d be manic. I feel paranoid about things i can’t control especially at work. I feel fidgety and tired and wired at the same time.

I have two more days at work. Then Christmas break. I’m so ready. I’m actually excited this year for once even though i don’t get it off as a weeks vacation like i did in my old job.

Anyway I’m going to try and calm down and relax.

Hmmm why an issue

I’m hoping this lack of caring about showering is more a…. i am home all the time so it’s not a thought of who smells me… line of thinking then depression. I of course need a shower but didn’t take one yesterday but i did Friday so i guess maybe I’m making it an issue when it doesn’t need to be? I want to take one today so there is that.

I am just worried I’ve made these habits of certain things that i now CAN do because I’m not depressed into habits of not doing. Does that even make sense? 🤔 like is being lazy about hygiene and house cleaning now a habit and actual laziness versus a symptom of mental illness?

I will give myself grace that things are changing and these habits didn’t happen overnight so making changes won’t either.

Per usual

I don’t tend to blog as much when things are going good.  I think that’s not fair to people that follow me on a regular basis.  I say this because you are all so supportive when I’m in a bad spot both you and i deserve to be supportive with the good stuff too.

I have my plan for calendars this year.  I have one that will have recovery pages and life in general pages together and i got a larger one for memory keeping. It’s going to be too write love letters to myself every day. I know this won’t be an easy task to keep up on as i often fall short BUT I’m going to do my damnedest to make it happen.

On a side note i got my first vaccination for covid. My arm hurts but other than that i feel fine.

I’m so thankful to have limited anxiety and no real suicidal thoughts. I feel overjoyed to be in a decent spot. I still struggle with motivation though I’m wondering if it’s all habit to some extent. I pray it lasts through at least 2021. Much like my hope for this year I’m ready for some change.

Don't mind me, I'm justanervousgirl.

A blog about everything and nothing.

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