Another difficult prompt. Sigh… i feel like I’m no fun. With covid i don’t do anything or make plans. Life is just one shit fest day after another. Can you tell i got a bad attitude? I’ve got a half hour until my drs appt and I’m in a fowl mood. I just hope i can convey my feelings without a discussion on going to the hospital. I don’t feel suicidal right now but I’ve been down this road before. Ugh no freaking fun!
Tomorrow i have no clients on my calendar to see… my boss is off… and I’ll have to beg for someone to give me someone to call. I should be so lucky as to have a job at all. I know lots of people want jobs but can’t get hired for whatever reason.
I just know coupled with my psych dr appt it will be a long day. I’m scared to tell the dr I’ve been suicidal. But if i have a hope of a med change i need to be honest. I just hate the hospital talk because I’m not hopeless. I stop myself from completing it. It’s just without some help who knows when I’ll have the hope disappear.
I know i should feel lucky blessed and grateful and i am when I’m not in chemical imbalance hell. Anyway you know I’ll keep you posted… this is my own little refuge
I spent today relaxing and fighting off negative thoughts. When you wake up to them you know it’s going to be a long day and it’s best to avoid it. So i relaxed and slept and listen to music and watched TV. It helped take away the thoughts. I can’t figure out why I’m struggling so hard right now. Maybe it’s more of accepting the illness then fighting against it. I just don’t know.
Imagine a world were there was no mental illnesses. A world there was no pandemic going on. A world where there wasn’t a need for black lives matter movement. People loved and though there may be hard times they were painless. A world were we take care of the planet. Just imagine how awesome that would be.
I know that’s not possible but man that would be wonderful. I’m still struggling a little with bad thoughts but work is keeping me busy today … well it did until now.
I don’t talk about my boyfriend a lot on here because well in general we get along… it’s not toxic and other then him being an hour and half away with his own life to live we don’t spend much time together. There isn’t much to say.
Due to covid and him being high risk he hasn’t seen me in person since July. Well now he might have covid and I’m worried. For many people it is a death sentence. It’s lonely as no one can see you and scary.
Just another thing to worry about that i have no control over. Please pray he recovers. His temp he just texted is 102 degrees.
Today has been rough in my head. I checked with my insurance about latuda after my deductible is covered it would only be fifty dollars. That’s not bad. I left a voice-mail for the doctor. I talk to her Monday but thought I’d put a bug in her ear. Fingers crossed. I’m so beyond tired of these bad thoughts and being depressed.
Another prompt I’m not sure what to do with. Other then I’ve spent a millennium trying to figure myself out lol
I am wondering if i should ask my psych dr for latuda. Does anyone have experience with that medicine? I can’t shake the sad cobwebs from my mind. So i wondered if a boost might help.
Before last week i would have easily wanted to turn back time. With the realization of how chaotic and toxic i most likely was… i can safely say i wouldn’t turn back time. I know that my life is up and down right now but I’m far from being how i was.
If i had to turn back time though I’d go back to 1997. It was the best year of my life pre children. I went to many concerts, traveled, went to Australia, and would have made different choices in my life as far as a relationship i had. My life would be so different but i don’t regret it just if i knew now what i didn’t then thing.
And just like that my not knowing how i feel turns into sadness with a splash of depression. I’d be crying if i could. I feel it in my chest and behind my eyes. I need a hug.
That is the prompt for today. I’m not sure i like it. It’s seems stigmatizing as is from a non mental health blog. But maybe I’m being too sensitive.
So other then that snippet I’m going on about my business 🤔 lol it looks like WordPress changed layouts slightly again. So far it doesn’t bother me but i know people are tiring of the constant changes.
I had a job interview im on the fence about getting it. First is a significant pay cut. Second if I’m picked my credit might make not qualified. So i just don’t know. It’ll be what is meant to be. I just can’t care about my current job and there is not enough work. I can’t meet my production standards.
I don’t know how i feel about life right now. Does anyone else get that way? I’m just spinning my wheels and life is not hard but it’s not easy either.