Wtf

I just watched the news and the Boulder colorado mass shooter’s defense is mental illness. I’m beyond livid that that this perpetuates the stigma. The fact is people with mental illness are most likely to be survivors of violence than a perpetrator. We are most likely to kill ourselves then others. Yes he may have a mental illness but really he’s just a horrible human. Which is separate from mental illness. I pray he is found competent and there is justice.

Depression

I would take a mental health day today if i could. I am exhausted. I can’t seem to feel rested. I need to get ready for work and I’m just laying here feeling old and decrepit. No motivation. Yet I’ve got to get it together to deal with others problems. I really liked the not needing as much sleep feeling… I’m sorry for whining about it.

So here we go again

Another work week… another weekend nothing accomplished. I just don’t understand how i laze around and get nothing off significance done. It’s become quite the habit.

I had foul dreams that have left me on edge plus a work week I’m just not sure about. I feel a pity party coming on and i don’t want to be invited.

I will get through it if one I’m blessed enough to and two if the past of getting through things is any indication.

Lazy Saturday

I’ve only managed today to buy groceries and make this stir fry dish with my son.

It was really awesome to have him help me with cooking. I sent the photo to my mom and my dad wants it next weekend but with shrimp. It was fairly easy to make so i don’t mind.

My mood is alright today. It usually is on Saturdays though. We shall see what tomorrow brings. I think I’m going to find a movie to watch and laying in bed too finish out the day. I should clean the kitchen but nah 😀

Over sensitive

My day yesterday overall was meh … work kept me busy. The bitch of it was the end when the guy who is leaving and I’m getting his clients appeared to question my integrity. I’m trying my best to reframe it as my perception yet all I’ve done is replay it over and over again. Hell I’m up early again because it invaded my dreams.

One step forward two back. That’s how life feels. And as usual it’s exhausting.

Today ended up fairly good

Life is so funny. I think even so more for us with mental health issues. We have these paranoia or fear of life for how things are going to go for the day… then we brave it and it turns out ok and then we (our maybe it’s just me) feel not relief but almost a boredom when you get a good day. It felt weird this evening to not have anything to stress about like i didn’t know what to do with myself. I guess when I’m in flight fight or freeze mode I’m on such high alert i can’t see anything else.

Even with a client crisis i dealt with… i feel decent what a drastic change from last night. It’s so exhausting really. I’ll take it though. Got to try and appreciate the decent to good moments right? I’m praying it continues but even if it doesn’t i pray i can hold steady to being able to function when it feels like i can’t. Those days are really the star of the show. Well off to put in a load of laundry I’ve procrastinated on before bed. I see clients in person tomorrow with the cold rainy weather. It’s going to be a long day and i hope it goes fast. I’m ready for the weekend!

Yesterday i cried

Yesterday i actually cried… you know it’s bad in my head when that happens. It felt amazing though. A bit of the purge of the soulful pain. I’m nervous about today. Too many variables to consider.

I am hopeful it’ll be an ok day. I will take deep breaths and find my center and try radical acceptance of what situation may come.

Just maybe

Just maybe my bodies way of handling depression is less sleep yet less motivation. I look around my house and i just don’t care. Yet i do what i need to do at work and so i don’t think my give a damn is broke.

Today i am anxious yet happy. I got my new to me vehicle yesterday and I’m happy with it. I got sirius radio to go with it so that’s cool. I’m anxious today i know because of work. I meet the majority of my new clients today and i have to go out with the idiot of the group who’s leaving for another department. I have no control over what he says or does so why be anxious? I’m anxious to drive my new vehicle as i want to keep it nice and it’s longer then my car so I’m worried about backing out of places. I’m worried about a client and some paperwork that got sent back to me. The client told me one thing then the therapist another ugh… and as far as paperwork there is no rhyme or reason on what my supervisor will accept one time versus another.

On the plus side i think I’m getting a close to two dollar raise whoop whoop.

So to end this post i want to ask do you believe in the idea or ability to be recovered from mental illness? I’ve struggled for a few years with the idea and recently read a post on it asking about the same question. I use to want to be recovered so bad but i am not sure it’s attainable.

Ok let’s start this day

Stupid day light savings… it’s now dark when i wake up. I don’t like it. I’m forced between going back to sleep (or trying to) and getting up feeling not rested. Bluck

I’m anxious about the day. I’m hoping it goes fast. I’m worried the minute i drive the vehicle off the lot it’ll break down. But my dad checked it out and i know he wouldn’t let me buy something he didn’t approve of. 😒

I have my own problems… obviously… and today is a day i don’t feel like social working. It’s not often i feel that way even in the midst of chaos. Today i just don’t feel like i care. I think it’s just a single human feeling day. Meaning i don’t think I’m burnt out… it’s just today thing. I’m hoping anyway.

I guess today will be what it is. I have high hopes it’ll be good yet i spend too much time in the what ifs ya know?

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