I Am My Own Island

I concur

For Shame!

I promised myself I would write more on this blog. I just didn’t have the desire the last few days. I am going to start pre-writing for when I am not in the mood I can still post and write while i AM in the mood 😀

I am making my way through the boundary book. I think I have figured out what kind of bounndary abuser I am. I have therapy Friday and I hope my therapist can help me change it. I love a good game plan 😀

Boundaries — Chapter One

I decided to journal through the book like a review/catharsis kind of thing. So without any further adieu I have finished Chapter One of Boundaries — When To Say Yes When To Say No To Take Control of Your Life.

The beginning of the book is a day in a life of a women who has resentment, lethargic resentment, and doubt. Basically Me. It is God based and I am thankful for that but I could see how it could turn off others. Overall other than relating to the women in the “story” I found these excerpts pertinent.

Woman or man, we can all identify with Sherrie’s
dilemma—her isolation, her helplessness, her confusion, her
guilt. And, above all, her sense that her life is out of control.
Look closely at Sherrie’s circumstances. Parts of Sherrie’s
life may be remarkably similar to your own. Understanding her
struggle may shed light on yours. You can immediately see a few
answers that don’t work for Sherrie.
First, trying harder isn’t working. Sherrie expends lots of
energy trying to have a successful life. She isn’t lazy. Second,
being nice out of fear isn’t working. Sherrie’s people-pleasing
efforts don’t seem to bring her the intimacy she needs. Third,taking responsibility for others isn’t working. A master of taking care of the feelings and problems of others, Sherrie feels like her life is a miserable failure. Sherrie’s unproductive energy, fearful niceness, and over responsibility point to the core problem: Sherrie suffers from severe difficulties in taking ownership of her life. (Page 22-23)

Trying harder and harder with limited results —- Check
Being a nice people pleaser — Check
Too much responsibility never saying no — Check
Doesn’t take ownership of my life — uhm I never thought of it this way and I don’t want to think about it being an issue so I have to go with — Check

When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they
raise good questions:

1. Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
2. What are legitimate boundaries?
3. What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
4. How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy,
or money?
5. Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting
boundaries?
6. How do boundaries relate to submission?
7. Aren’t boundaries selfish?

Misinformation about the Bible’s answers to these issues has
led to much wrong teaching about boundaries. Not only that, but
many clinical psychological symptoms, such as depression, anxiety
disorders, eating disorders, addictions, impulsive disorders,
guilt problems, shame issues, panic disorders, and marital and
relational struggles, find their root in conflicts with boundaries.
This book presents a biblical view of boundaries: what they
are, what they protect, how they are developed, how they are
injured, how to repair them, and how to use them. This book
will answer the above questions and more. Our goal is to help
you use biblical boundaries appropriately to achieve the relationships
and purposes that God intends for you as his child. (Page 24 End of Chapter 1)

I agree those are good scary questions and the list of psychological symptoms well I have most of them.

Depression
Anxiety Disorder
Eating Disorder — which is my addiction
Impulsive disorders
Guilt Problems
Shame Problems
Panic Disorders (though I think these aren’t due to Panic Disorders but a psychic thing I got going on — but that is a whole nother post)
Martial/Relationship problems. My marriage often suffers due to all the above and my resentment and anger. I recently had an issue at work due to my misreading a situation where if I had boundaries in place I couldn’t put myself in saying the wrong thing that blew out of hand.

Again I am ok with the Biblical aspect of it. I am Christian who recently re-connected with God but I do believe in the possibility of reincarnation and I respect Buddhism as a theology. No matter the choice I am just ready for some concrete actualization and change.

Dear God please help my therapist…

So I had my first therapy appointment with the fourth therapist I have ever went to. Each time I have been enlightened. This time I am more desperate and have an added issue of knowing enough of psychology to be dangerous. I am a social worker by trade. I went back to school three years ago to finish my degree. I use to be in banking. Yes a total 180 and a total culture shock. It is the one think in life I am feel I am really great at. I know I am a good Mom but I am human so it makes it hard to be great or awesome at it.

I gave him my general information and told him I think my core issue is self worth. I feel I have great self esteem as in general I think I am awesome but some how I de-value myself over all in the big picture. I am a martyr. I get resentful. I get angry. I attract alcoholics and damaged people that I mis-read and try to fulfil something in/for them and de-value myself. When he asked me why I do this. I have no real answer the closest thing I thought of was fear of failure but he doesn’t believe and it is just a guess on my end.

I have to chuckle in a sad way as he was at a lose to know how to help me. He said we have to work together to figure out the truth…. the blind spot as to why I keep de-valuing myself and self medicating with food and medication. And why I have issues with setting boundaries or mis-reading social ques when someone is toxic for me. It is so frustrating sometimes I wonder if hypnosis would help clear the blind spot. I guess I will keep thinking on it.

He did request I read the book above about understanding boundaries. I agree I need help with it so I am eager to read it. I was going to maybe read a different boundary book specific to difficult people but this one is broader and incorporates work, marriage, etc. I am excited to read it.

He wants to see me weekly of possible but I am not sure i can do that. My next one is next Thursday. I hope I have an epiphany by then 😀 the people pleaser in me wants him to be impressed. Dag nabbit… change is hard!

Goals

I made new years resolutions and i am positive I am not following any one of them. I am just guess as they were posted on my old blog and i deleted all that negative shit 🙂 But I do need some kind of goals incentive. I have decided to roll out a more concrete goal structure. This blog is for make up has given me the inspiration (or fairly direct rip off 😀 ) I need to get two things under control. 1) My spending and 2) weight/anxiety hell anything that is a goal. lol

******************************* Rules ***************************************

I will evaluate and post new goals on Sundays.
I will use the money pool for anything non-essential and frivolous. IE make up or something special with my hair.
I will be introspective on what the circumstances that made me not follow the goals if I do not accomplish it and it will be my goal for the next week as well.
The fund will be a running total. It will grow week to week or fluctuate There is no obligation to spend the money “earned” within the next week.
If I go over budget I will make the penalty I will be in the hole twice as much. So If I go over 13 dollars I am actually 26 dollars in the hole.
If I do not meet any goals I will owe the amount set. Therefore I will subtract from my total already as extra incentive.

***************************** Rewards ***************************************

Weekly Goals! On Sundays I will set two goals for myself. Each of these goals should be met by the end of the week. If the goal is met, I will award myself 10 dollars for each goal met. If I do not met either of them, then I owe .
Staying on track at work. I will have no overdues and will feel accomplished four out of five days. If I do both I will get 15. For an extra 5 dollars I will remain calm and not let my co-workers get to me.
Reading~ I have recently felt I do not spend enough time actually reading books and I love to read. So I am taking this direct pay scale from Nancy’s blog.

Short novel or collection or stories (200 pages or less) = $5

Medium length novels (201-500 pages) = $7

Long novels (501+ pages) = $10
Housework~ I will keep up on housework so I do not feel overwhelmed on the weekends. Also, it will help me not feel ashamed of my house. The pay structure is…

Two days of chores done = $5

Three days of chores done = $7

Five days of chores done = $10

I think that will be enough for now. I don’t want to overwhelm myself and fail right off the bat! So without further ado here is the goals for the next week.

Exercise four times this week.
Not eat out at all this week.

Wish me luck and God Bless!

I am thirty six

And I am more emotionally fucked up then I was a twenty six or hell even sixteen. Are we suppose to get better with age. Like wine right? I just completely deleted a blog I maintained for over a year as it was going nowhere in helping me improve and I was hoping it would. All it manages to do was connect me with someone that ended being toxic to me. The person I am sure is good but the stupid internet gives us some kind of buffer that isn’t reality and I am an all or nothing person. This is a problem for me as I get obsessive pretty fast (not stalkerish just if you can’t give me what I want when I want it I am over or done. I am too old for games and for people to act one minute you are special and the next not) Yes I realize I am not making sense. I am really good at that.

So back on topic. I recently was helped by a little birdy to realize I lack self worth. I want to improve this so I start therapy on Monday and I would like to try this blog as a recording of that journey sans the drama I helped create with the old blog. I want to be emotionally sound by 38. I think that is an attainable goal. 😀