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Semi Wordless Wednesday.

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Any questions or comments please leave them below. I do appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my blog. Sending positive vibes your way. :D

Please follow me on my social media sites. I  am on my beauty youtube channel, beauty blog, tumblrtwitterFBgoogle+personal blog, youtube vlog, and instagram.

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Sunday Night Musings.

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I had a dream Sunday morning that stuck with me most of the day. I just had to purge it so I could sleep. That and some internet stalking. is it just me or does social media make all your regrets scream back at us? It is so easy to sneak a peek at a persons life or what they allow to be seen even if your not directly friends in things. Anyway my Sunday musings are still rattling around even on a Tuesday morning 🙂 gotta purge purge purge!

Oh and speaking of social media please stalk me on mine. My Facebook Instagram and twitter are all on the side panel 😛 TIA!

Right now

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I found this on my work desk. I can’t remember if it’s mine or if someone kindly left it for me.

Makes me ponder what is my dearest wish. I thought first of something selfish. This struggle with depression and all the shit that comes with it.

But when I prayed on it and really thought my dearest wish is even more intangible. I want to go back in time and have my son Aaron never to have cancer. Or at the very least we’d made a different choice on his second surgery. And my other dearest wish is that Aaron would not be learning disabled or e figure out how to move him forward because his iq is there.

Is any if that too much to ask?  :-[

Depression

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I am fighting off a major bout of depression. I have increasing sensations and thoughts of my usual coping mechanism and it makes it hard to hide it too often. I feel lonely and hopeless and stuck in this rut of mediocrity I do not want to be part of. I know I am meant for more but I just stay stagnant and miserable. I choose for whatever blocked reason to regret the past, haunted in dreams, let past hurts haunt me, and keep my self worth low. So I am working hard to change my thinking pattern to more positive thoughts because I can’t let the pain not let me get out of bed in the mornings. I keep plugging along as the good sane part of me knows I make small difference am not mediocre just human. I am raising good children the best I can considering they all have different needs. Like night and day my boys are and I love them. Without them I probably would not be here. I don’t let them know that though. That is grown up thoughts best left in my head most of the time.

I am just fatigued …. tired of this eternal loop of mental illness that won’t let me go. I take my medication like I should and have been going to therapy. Hell I read or attempt to read self help books. The want is there but the puzzle piece to solidify my motivation is buried under loads of excuses.

Ah well.. if anything I have learned in life is all this passes and we make our beds that we must sleep restlessly in. I am not any exception to any life rule so at least I am not alone in my mediocrity.

Any questions or comments please leave them below. I do appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my blog. Sending positive vibes your way. :D

Please follow me on my social media sites. I  am on my beauty youtube channel, beauty blog, tumblrtwitterFBgoogle+personal blog, youtube vlog, and instagram.

Sadly thus us how I feel about…

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Some of my family right now. Even as a social worker, I am not immune to family drama and hatefulness. it makes me happy I’m am only child but more invested as once my parents and grandma die its just me and my kids.

I yelled at my 86 year old grandma today because she has caused so much tension. I bawled at work and my Co workers consoled me and gave me practical advice.

Sadly I feel like the picture above. She is beyond reason and though I know she can’t help it I think she can. ???? Just so emotional and confusing.

So that’s my main thoughts of the day. Thanks for reading if you got this far  🙂

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Wow I know I have spent too much of my life doing that instead of appreciating who I had at my side at home through thick and thin.

A LOVER'S MUSING

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
― Tom Robbins

 

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I can’t sleep

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I really don’t want this blog to turn into nothing but me whining about life. My personal goals this year is to let go of resentment and find some likeability for myself. I swear though life is about Karma and I must have done something wrong in the last life. Yesterday I was upbeat and ready to take on the world and I am thankfully still at the place where I want to eat and be healthier not de-railed yet but a few things have already sprung up.

I really want to tell off my work. I read about five emails yesterday that really is getting under skin that was already thin to begin with. I use to not obsess over trying to find some reason to call in after having a few days off. Or have a panic attack at just thinking about having to go back to work due to the paranoia of what bullshit may come my way. It is not even the work itself but the environment. I wrote and re-wrote an email yesterday to various people to thankfully come to my right mind and not send any email detailing my annoyance to being everyone’s Bitch but like the quote up there maturity is ending drama. I am proud I didn’t send it. I have three kids to feed and a home to pay for so I need this job plan and simple. I will just need to use this stress to motivate to start my own business like I really want too. Doubly glad I didn’t do it as my husband got laid off once again for a few days. So all that brain thinking had me up early and I decided to purge a little on here and I am glad I did. Maybe now I can have a decent day.