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I feel this way a lot and is why I titled my blog I am my own island. I often feel this complete loneliness. I have always self analyzed,  self critiqued,  and self doubted. I don’t know why I use to be so fearful of sharing my inner thoughts. Maybe because then I couldn’t live in a bubble of illusions but I think it is more trust and fear of rejection. I grew up an only child who was often shuffled from baby sitter to baby sitter always having to be pleasing. Being unique/weird is not pleasing to everyone I learned early in life.  Blogging has really helped me expand and be more real with myself and through it make a few friends here recently to where maybe I don’t need to be in my own little world. I can visit other unique worlds and it is perfectly ok.

That includes my husband which is new territory. And it may sound weird that we have been together for fifteen years but somehow he is more my best friend now then he has ever been. And oddly here recently the fear of it ending or the threat to this happy existence between us will collapse has waned. It is such a relief to share my world with his world. Wow just writing this now I realized that. See this blogging thing has been wonderful for me!

Please leave any comments or questions below :D And if you want to join my world in more ways….Please follow me on my social media sites. I  am on my beauty youtube channel, beauty blog, tumblrtwitterFBgoogle+personal blog, youtube vlog, and instagram.

Happiness Is Elusive

Ok so I said in the post from January 7th that I would detail why I choose that quote/meme.

When I was younger I always said happiness doesn’t exist but I would be happy with being content in my life. I still believe happiness does not exist. It goes against human nature. Sadly even when people are happy there is always someone working to make your life unhappy. You have a marriage and beautiful children until one day someone with self esteem issues wants what you have. He or She will find the human weakness in your mate and put a crack of doubt in that perfect marriage. It maybe seen as cynical but I cringe when people post too happy things or make their life looks so flawless on Facebook. No one’s life is that flawless. It is amazing how easy it is for humans to fake the illusion of happiness. 

Anyway I am going off on a tangent. 37 years old and I don’t think I have ever been happy. Is this my doing or just how life is? If there is away to embrace or create happiness how do we do it? I am a people pleaser. I use to not be … I was so narcissistic and self absorbed. I think I was happier then. Now I am putting all my self worth into shit that doesn’t really matter. Or maybe it does. I am not sure. I do know I need to learn to say no to my resentment my unhappiness and yes my stress. BUT how do we start that process???

Any questions or comments please leave them below. I do appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my blog. Sending positive vibes your way. :D

Please follow me on my social media sites. I  am on my beauty youtube channel, beauty blog, tumblrtwitterFBgoogle+personal blog, youtube vlog, and instagram.

Hero to Zero Day five or is it six?

The assignment is below. I will detail in text form why this image was chosen.

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Any questions or comments please leave them below. I do appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my blog. Sending positive vibes your way. :D

Please follow me on my social media sites. I  am on my beauty youtube channel, beauty blog, tumblrtwitterFBgoogle+personal blog, youtube vlog, and instagram.

What I did on Christmas Staycation.

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Well I can safely say this picture above did not happen. I put off A LOT of Do something today’s while on staycation. One half of my mind things I should be unhappy with myself and the other half doesn’t give a shit. I figure to work it out and make them both happy I would make a list of what I did accomplish and what I did not.

Accomplished

  • Must needed rest and relaxation
  • Time spent with my hubby, parents, and children.
  • Made new friends online.
  • Re-arranged my makeup space and bedroom.
  • Read an actual book and started another
  • Window shopped online a ton and spent a little too much also.
  • Gave my kitchen a good scrubbing
  • Reset the master computer in our house
  • Made some Youtube videos
  • Gave my face a rest on the makeup and did a home facial
  • Realized my job is more stressful then I ever realized. (so much so I have had major anxiety all day today)
  • Organized and cropped my meme’s from instagram off my phone and started pages of makeup ideas to print and practice on
  • Watched a lot of tv shows on Netflix

Not Accomplished

  • Making the list of phone calls I wanted to do
  • No business related things that grown ups should do (pay taxes, renew car plates, make my appointment to get my blood drawn on my regular three month appointments)
  • Did not complete the organization of my scrapbook room

Hmmm well the list isn’t too long but of course the stuff I didn’t do were more important stuff. I am going to blame it on the weather and lack of funds due to Christmas. Tomorrow it is back to be a grown up with an important high stress job. Wish me luck 😦

Now to let my Klonopine take over and relax me as I am all nerves going back to the lions den. I can’t think of a good reason even with school cancelled for my children to not go in. Over two weeks off is a long time to be gone on a job. Just I can’t get over the level of anxiety I am experiencing. It is really causing me to pause on my future and my calmness/happiness in life. Too much to think about… wish me luck going to bed as well as for tomorrow! 😀 I am going to need it to shut my mind off. I guess rambling here isn’t helping as I can feel it ramp up and I need to relax. Meditate a little maybe that will help me get some sleep.

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Any questions or comments please leave them below. I do appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my blog. Sending positive vibes your way. 😀

Please follow me on my social media sites. I  am on my beauty youtube channel, beauty blog, tumblrtwitterFBgoogle+personal blog, youtube vlog, and instagram.

Zero TO Hero Challenge 4: Meet the Neighbors

Zero to Hero Blogger

 

 

 

The challenge today is to find five blogger to follow. I am linking the five to share just in case you would want to follow them as well.

MyNDTalk — This blog states it is commentary on anxiety and mental health. My son and myself struggle with extreme anxiety so I am excited to read what she has to say.

Random Dirt – Vistas on the Frontier — He appears to be a new blogger who mixes some awesome photography with commentary.

Wisdomelovesharmony — This blog appears to be short insights into improving in life and well that is what I like to think mine is about as all.. though way wordier 😀

Ramblings of a Twenty Something — Well I am far from my twenties anymore BUT I do wish to live vicariously through someone else. The first post I read was hilarious and seems to be her only one. I want to show her some love as I think she has hard core potential!!

Mirror Globe  — The photography of this blog is unique.

Ok well I liked this challenge. I know I don’t take enough time to search for blogs that I might love yet I want people to find mine and give me some blog loving. Not really following the golden rule I believe in!

Please comment or ask questions below!

Also…. Please follow me on my social media sites. I  am on my beauty youtube channel, beauty blog, tumblrtwitterFBgoogle+personal blog, youtube vlog, and instagram.

 

Zero to Hero Day Three

Zero to Hero Banner

Day three’s assignment was: write the post that was on your mind when you decided to start a blog.

I decided it has been months since I started this blog and I can’t remember the exact reason why other then I wanted to be done with my anonymous blog that was keeping me negative and start another blog where I move forward positively. I didn’t post much in the beginning but now I post a decent amount of time and during this past week with these challenges it has sparked a fire in me to make it a New Year’s goal/priority. 😀

So I know the main reason was do try and deal with personal issues. I am linking a few posts that if you are new to the blog you might not have read. Including my very first post that went live on I Am My Own Island.  I think they hone in on the main reason I started this blog. I hope it sheds some light anyway 😀

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I am Thirty Six

Dear God Please Help My Therapist… 

EEP my birthday just passed (a youtube video link)

Another Youtube video post that really shows a sincere side of me — good or bad. 

And the last one I want to feature as I started posting a lot more since October. Daily Prompt Photo: Covet

Please comment or ask questions below!

Also…. Please follow me on my social media sites. I  am on my beauty youtube channel, beauty blog, tumblrtwitterFBgoogle+personal blog, youtube vlog, and instagram.

 

 

Zero to Hero: Daily Post’s thirty days to a better blog

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I am so happy that WordPress’s Daily post is doing this series. I fully believe I need this help to get my New Year going for this blog. I want this year for this blog to grow just personally for me. I want it to be a place people can go and feel like their best friend is sharing her thoughts, highs and lows.

The first “challenge” or instruction is to have the audience get to know you and/or why you blog. I decided to not be very creative today (Darn vacation/New Years hang over is making me lazy and well why try something that is already right there for me to snag. 😀  )

  • Why are you blogging, rather than keeping a personal journal?  Well the answer is more benign then exciting. I love writing and expressing myself but have a difficult time keeping a hand journal. I have tried various blogs over the years and find when I let them drop off I miss this outlet. It also helps me feel connected to society in a different way from my job and the limited population where I live.
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about? I talk everything I want to rant about, share family wise, social commentary, personal commentary, and various things on the interwebs I find. I use it as therapy as well … to work thoughts out of my mind to stop the crazy inside. 😀
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?  I would love this blog to be for anyone and everyone.
  • If you blog successfully throughout 2014, what would you hope to have accomplished?  I think two things … that I have made an impact on someone and I have made myself a better person working out my thoughts and feelings. That’s not asking too much right??? lol

Ok so that is the basic about me. I am excited to use this tool to jump start my motivation in the New Year. If you decide to join in with me or are already please leave your blog below so I can follow you as well.

Please follow me on my social media sites. I  am on my beauty youtube channel, beauty blog, tumblrtwitterFBgoogle+personal blog, youtube vlog, and instagram.

 

Happy New Year!

OMG I have already acted a fool into the New Year, Why is it the older we get the more we sober up and become embarrassed by our fragmented memories of the night? I am not sure it is made better by it being sadly just my parents and children. I think I am bothered by my children being exposed to their drunk Mom. It rarely happens as I don’t drink much BUT man I guess I was in rare form. Just having a teenager makes my choices that much more important. And with three boys I feel a sense of showing them what a lady should be right. Problem is I ain’t no lady. I just want to be so much more! It is kind of fitting for my word of the year.

Did you get the theme and word of the year yet? Should I be done beating the dead horse?

Resentment, regret, embarrassment all those things are not helping my mental illness issues. I haven’t posted much as I have been on vacation and well doing nothing. But it feels good. I have a post started explaining how this realization I need to let go of these embarrassing regrets, the stiffling resentment, and constant worry of wanting what other’s have.

Last year it was about finding passion in myself and for life. I think reflecting back I have that. I worked hard at regaining my sense of self and trying to find some self worth. (Which IMO is way different then self confidence) I have learned to not make my self worth all on my marriage and my work but on myself. It is not perfect but it is improved. I am grateful for that. So logically figuring out how to be less envious, resentful, and regretful is an excellent goal for the new year.

I remember when I was 18. I was YOLO before YOLO was cool (ha anyone know the song I am referencing… anyone???? UGH I am old lol) I was going to live my fucking life without regret. I was going to make a choice and that was it. But then reality and consequence in life set in and well I have many regrets. Children will do that to ya or at least if you are a good parent. Humans are people full of mistakes. It is how we forgive ourselves and others that make us or break us.

Well I think I will end my thoughts here. I do plan on writing more frequently on this blog as I love writing and sharing. It’s good for my mental health and self worth 😀 And I will have my part two of the striking AH HA moment when I realized fully the extent of my resentment and envy issues.

May God, Allah, Pagan, and Wiccan, And Buddha (I like him the best but love God — Had to add that as I want a good year 😀 ) bring you and yours an awesome New Year. I am thankful to the folks who read this and who have started following. It warms my heart when I get the email I am being followed. Now I need to return the favor and take time to follow you guys as well. I beleive in receiving and giving (wink wink nudge nudge) oh geez gonna regret that when I sober up more and re-read this babbling post! HA

Please comment or ask questions below!

Also…. Please follow me on my social media sites. I  am on my beauty youtube channel, beauty blog, tumblrtwitterFBgoogle+personal blog, youtube vlog, and instagram.

 

 

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