Just another day

Today I’m not sure how i feel. It seems a combination of sadness because my cat when i woke up couldn’t even move so my mom took her this morning to be put down… and anxiety about my psych appointment and changes at work.

I know i just want to curl in a ball and lay in bed all day but that’s not going to happen. Why is life and emotions hard? I can’t seem to get enough of a break from things to breath. Yet it seems all i do is nothing of significance.

The serenity prayer and some radical acceptance is how I’m coping today. I will preserver on.

I really don’t

I really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. Not for any particular reason other than i don’t want to deal with people. The one good thing about my last job was the amount of vacation and time off i got but with all things in life there is a trade off. It was much more intense.

I really don’t want to go to bed yet I’m tired. I had a very busy weekend for me. I liked it but being so use to having weekends were i do nothing is a drastic change.

I really didn’t want to turn my air conditioning on but my house was hot enough for me to start to sweat and i really dislike sweating. So on it went. Plus there is no cool breeze to go through the house.

I really don’t want to have to put my cat down tomorrow. She has been crying off and on the last two days and is pretty old so my mom is taking her to the vet tomorrow. It use to be their cat so she’s paying the bill plus i don’t have to go through seeing another animal death if she is in fact dying. I’m not sure but she’s having issues going to the bathroom as well.

Morning ramblings

My boyfriend came up this weekend to see me. We haven’t talked about the other night. I guess it doesn’t bother him. 😕 but we are having a wonderful time.

I see the psychiatrist tomorrow. I am sure it’ll go well. I don’t think i need a med tweak.

Happy Easter to all who celebrate. I use to be someone who went to church all the time then just in major holidays and now not at all. My kids are too old to do anything fun on this day so it’s just another day to me.

I want to be happy but something holds me back. I don’t think it’s all mental illness. Some of its personality. I try to do good in this world but feel i fall short. I just feel this morning like a lump of emotions. I can’t just pick one. It’s frustrating. I will try radical acceptance to find solace in the things i can’t change if that’s possible.

Irritated

I dislike when i ask a direct feelings question and the person is deflective. Especially in people i love. Once again freaking Facebook gets me in a situation. I posted along for a place to stay to visit my home town with my boys. My boyfriend asks why he wasn’t invited. I was honest and said i thought about inviting you with us but with covid i didn’t know if you’d want to. But if you do you can join us. He then says something about forcing an invitation. I said no really i did think that but there is no way to prove it. Then i thought maybe he was referring to something i had done and didn’t realize it. He said no I’d never forced an invite. So i say again the whole i did think of him. And then ask him if he’s trying to get my panties in a wad to bug me or if i hurt his feelings. He said no it’s just a question. So i say it again about the panties versus feelings and he said again it was just a question. Argh if i hurt your feelings i will apologize and do better but if your just fucking with me then say it. So that makes me believe i hurt his feelings????? I’m so irritated at him for not just being forthcoming and at myself for feeling guilty. 😒 i dislike bullshit and do my best to be stress free but shit we don’t even live together so wtf.

I am that person

I saw this and it brought back memories as a child. Boy was i mouthy but i didn’t really get in super trouble for it. I did get voted most rowdiest my senior year. Over all i had a good childhood. Being a latch key kid and an only child it was lonely at times but i had books and movies to entertain myself. I was a good kid over all. But i can see the bipolar even then… suicidal thoughts, low self esteem to big swings in grandiose thinking. I’d go from taking over the world to crying at the slightest misgivings. I grew up on a farm and i wouldn’t change it for anything. I read a Post from a great friend on here that we shouldn’t compare our experiences to others. And that is very much true. At the same time i can’t help think of things i squandered or took for granted that others didn’t have. I think I’m proof that mental illness can effect anyone. I know i can’t be anyone else but sometimes i wonder who’d i be if not for my brain. Can i grieve for that person? Or should i just be grateful i am who i am? I think that was the point of her post. We can be us with our feelings without invalidating others. I’m so happy she wrote it… it made me think tonight.

Up and down

I feel anxious today woke up thinking of all i didn’t do this weekend and how they go so fast and yet i get nothing accomplished. I think of all the money i wasted and still do and everything negative about me. What is wrong with me to be incapable of basic change? I just don’t know. I just want to lay in bed all day and wish the world away. Yet i am up and ready for work so that’s something right?

And the mood goes on

Still in a great mood. It’s marvelous. I’m enjoying it for what it is… a slice of “normality” the weather has been great. Once yesterday i decided not to go to the comedy club my anxiety lifted… i had a great day. I am going to actually do some house work today fingers crossed and just enjoy it. I pray all of you have a blessed day as well.

Anxiety … maybe she woke up this way

I have woken up in almost full disaster mode for anxiety. Weird dream aside. I agreed to go with my son to a comedy club yesterday if i could financially swing it. Then i got the idea to invite Co workers. All but one said no and that one said they’d need a sitter first. So my panic is due to spending the money, covid, and most of all my weight. The more i think of it being in a tight spot with people not wearing masks, and then people trying to bump past me because I’m so fat. I can’t do it. With greater anxiety is telling the one Co worker i am not going but then i thought ill just have her cancel on me. But what if she doesn’t? Ugh why is it what seemed like a great idea yesterday has me in chaos today?

What a good mood??!!

I’m in an exceedingly good mood. It’s amazing but of course i wonder if it’s a little hypomania as i want to hug everyone and go party and actually clean my house. When i fell this good i can’t just enjoy it. As i see it as an extension of mental disorder thinking.

Anyway… I’m looking forward to the weekend. Just got to get through this day. I can do this. I’ve got a big chunk of time in the middle of my day to take off work as i have too many hours already. Barring any issues i should be able to make it happen.

Do any of you have exciting weekend plans so that i can vicariously live through you? As i haven’t much to do.

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