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When did I become so thin skinned that a single comment can trigger an episode? Yesterday at work we were laughing and joking. It felt so normal… Then a comment was made that made me worry and be paranoid. I still pretended to laugh but I went home took a klonopine and slept the evening away. This is not healthy. Isolation isn’t good when I’m depressed. I of course feel guilty about that as well. I use to do things without a second thought now everything is analyzed with a fine tooth comb. When does it change? When do I change?
I struggle with this. I am often unkind to myself. This week actually has been ok in the thoughts department. I just realized it. So a total plus. Still ultimately I’m my own best friend. I need to treat myself with love and empathy. The way I would a friend.
I feel so alone. I know I need to love myself before someone else can love me. Self esteem is a bitch. But still I see people have these wonderful relationships and I’m over here like why can’t I speak up. Toxicity is everywhere in my life and it starts with me. I need to purge the toxic fluid from my skin and mind. I’m not sure how to start.
I’m agitated today. I’m not sure how to deal with it. I just want to cry but can’t. I’m tired of this life. I know this will pass and I’ll have good days again but waiting for them is tough. I feel like a bitch. It’s amazing how personal we take things.
I could use positive prayers, thoughts, mojo my way. I put in my application for a job I want. I’d be happy with an interview.
Otherwise I’m still in I just don’t know about this life business. Why is it so hard sometimes? Even the simplest of things. Having an invisible illness is life altering. I just don’t know why anyone has to live this way.
I don’t want to be here today. I so need a change. I’m exhausted. I don’t feel depressed just unhappy. I’m tired of whining about the same thing. But I need to vent. Let’s get this day over with.
I managed to put on some makeup today. I like how it turned out I decided to share a picture.
Despite my flaws I am beautiful. I am strong and I deserve a good life. Don’t forget you do too.