This is true on both levels… im not afraid of Raw cookie dough and i feel that those in this community i follow are brave including me. For better or worse we get up each morning and we fight thoughts that are hard to control and a society that deems us lesser. We either do it with medicine or without. We make the hard choices for ourselves and advocate where needed. We’re work in progress but it’s something special.


I wanted to clarify that the blogger who i referenced did not suggest i was a victim. It was me wondering if i have that mentality. I think it led to great introspection on my part.

In other news, i just hate life right now. Mainly work. I know i go on about it a lot. I don’t know why it was more manageable in the office. I felt more productive and satisfied. I found out who my new boss is and I’m sorta worried. Change sucks. I don’t know how to make life different. Maybe take a deep breath and go with the flow. What other choice do i have?

Victim mentality

I think another blog i follow was talking about my blog bringing him down. Some things he said just lined up so i don’t think I’m paranoid.

Anyway it made me wonder if i have a victim mentality. I can kinda see it. All this why me how do i change but don’t change bullshit. How much of me is my mental illness and how much is a poor mindset?

I’ve been thinking of deleting the whole damn thing not because of that but because I’m tired of it all. Im tired of me. I don’t mean to bring people down. I want to make real connections and i love this community. But what am i really doing?

I try to post the good with the struggling. If i see something uplifting i share it. I do sometimes feel like a victim of my circumstances but i want to be a voice that says ultimately you get back up and you keep living.

Emotional overload

I am sitting here listening to music and I feel overwhelmed. I just want a different life where it is easier in my head. I am exhausted of the struggle. I am not having ideation thankfully but I just feel sad that this is my life. I don’t know how to fix it. I feel lonely and stuck in my head. I just want something to save me. This roller coaster sucks as I was feeling great just an hour ago. Anyway I know people think mental health blogs are just about whining but it feels good to share it. Anything to relieve the thoughts right?

Today’s update

The psych appt went well. She increased my lexapro. I hope it doesn’t make me go manic. I don’t feel good as i have a headache and my muscles feel funky.

I’m sitting here listening to music and having intrusive thoughts about what’s all wrong with me. I know it’s not healthy but I’m just feeling so sad. I wish life was different but it’s what i was dealt so i need to accept it.

Back to the grind

This working from home is making me unfocused more and more. I have small things i need to do but they fall through the cracks. I always wish i was more organized with lists and plans.

I talk to my psych dr at 130 today. My anxiety med wasn’t refilled and so i had to make am earlier appt. It’ll be weird doing it by phone. I hope it goes quick.

I also need to take my son to a job interview once he’s off work. Please send positive vibes he gets it. I think he’ll like it better.

Really neat blog awards

I was nominated twice for the really neat blog award. Im finally getting around to it so it’s a twofer. Lol

So my inner mish mash and divinely bipolar both tagged me. You can click on their names to see their blogs.

You answer ten questions, post ten new questions then tag ten people. You if you choose then answer the ten new questions, tag the person nominated you and proceed. I hope that’s clear then mud lol

These are My Mish Mash’s questions…1. What’s your eye colour? Do you like it or would you change it if you could? My eye color is hazel with a twinge of green. I love my eyes. I think it is one of my best features.

2. Have you had a good relationship with your parents? Yes I do. My mom can be annoying and bossy but she means well and my dad is a chill hippy.

3. If you had to rename yourself, what would your name be? Hmmm this is a tough one as when I was younger I would say yes but not now. But as I sit here the name serenity really speaks to me though I don’t think I look like a serenity. 🙂

4. Do you like to daydream? If so, does your dream world look in any specific way that you are able to describe? I day dream stories that are like movies in my head. That is what has motivated me to write a screenplay though I am not sure i am that good of a writer. I wish I had a partner who maybe could write better dialogue then me.

5. If you feel very hungry, what is your go-to meal? Mcdonalds for sure.

6. What is your favourite instrument or one that you would like to learn to play? I would say the drums… they just look bad ass.

7. What types of blogs/blog posts do you most enjoy reading? Mainly mental health blogs. It is a community of kindness I have found. THough people leave and you wonder what they are up to.

8. Do you like to sing? Well I am not good at it but I do like to sing in the car or when I am listening to music in my bedroom.

9. What is the best way for you to recharge after an exhausting day, whether physically or mentally? A nap or some mindless youtube video.

10. If you were a founder of a charity, whom/what would it work for? Great question… I would like to start a charity for women who have broken the trauma cycle of domestic abuse. GIve seminars and retreats to valid where they were and how far they have gone.

Here is divenly biplars… 1. What is your favorite color and why? Purple is reminds me of royalty and being regal. Otherwise I am not sure why I like it. lol

2. Who do you admire the most in life and why? Barack Obama because I always found him to have intergrity and do what he felt was best even if others didn’t.

3.If you could describe yourself as a color, what would it be and why? Red as I do have passion for things I care about and I don’t lack ideas just some follow through. But I love hard and care harder.

4. Where is your favorite place on Earth and what makes it so special for you? I love Disney World. It really to me is the happiest place on earth. I had a great time going there as my son’s make a wish. I wish one day to go back.

5.What is your favorite food and why? Pizza as you can make it so many different ways.

6.What is your favorite book of all time?  I am embarrased but it is the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. I actually like the plot. Though I do feel if he wasn’t a billionaire it would have been a different book. 🙂

7. Why do you enjoy writing and blogging? It started as an outlet for my feelings and to show people they are not alone. It is more about community for me now.

8. What type of music do you enjoy? I am one of those people that like every kind of music. I find it to be poetry for my soul. Whether it be country or rap. I don’t care as long as I like the lyrics or the beat.

9. What are your favorite hobbies (besides writing) and why do you like them? Well I am waiting on my shipment of quilling supplies to get here and have talked about that. I like the idea of painting and use to do a lot of abstract art. I still have a peice or two I really liked.

What is your favorite song and singer/band? I am obsessed with Eminem. I can’t narrow down a favorite song by him but I have Demi Lavato’s I love me on repeat for sure currently.

Ok My ten questions if you choose to answer are as follows….

1. What makes you cry for no apparant reason?

2. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would it be and why?

3. If money was no consequence what would you buy and why?

4. Do you have a post you are particularly proud of? IF so please post here.

5. What motivates you to blog?

6. Is it called chips or fries in your country? Do you like them?

7. Do you have a happy moment you’d like to share?

8. What would you call your clothing style and why do you think you like it?

9. One — two– or three pillows to sleep with? or even more lol

10. What makes you anxious? And why do you think that is?

Ok I was truly going to nominate ten people but my phone is not cooperating so. COnsider yourself nominated if you got this far. I want to hear your answers and look forward to getting to know you better.

Updated my site and other ramblings

Playing around with my chromebook. I changed my theme but I suspect most people are like me and use their phones and reader so you don’t get the site experience anyway. Still it had been years since I changed it so why not lol.

Today is going to be a good day. I am going to make sure of it. I am trying this attitude thing. Though I don’t believe you can just create happiness when I am in a chemical imbalance moment but today I am not so … i should be able to work on it right?

I had my first doubts with my screenplay. I am reading the book on how to write a screenplay and it gives great advice but one section I am at a loss. I am thinking i just need to start writing it for inspiration on my why. Or the basic sentence of what the plot is about. My heroine is searching for x but I can’t articulate what the overall end game is though I have an ending in mind. I need to find balance in reading the book and creating what is in my mind.

I need to call my mom but I am annoyed with her. She is so bossy and I just don’t want it to bring down my vibe. Yet I want to hear her voice so …. i hope you all have an awesome day. I know i saw it a lot but I truly mean it.

Ivana's Blog

Bilingual blog in the same ever-changing wold, about my chronic illness, about coping by enjoying art, about my roots and insights

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A place where words come alive

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A blog about the chaotic journey of mental illness and how my salvation, faith, self-acceptance and hope have helped me move forward!


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