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Hate

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I’m extremely tired and have a lot of hate in my brain right now. It’s suffocating me. I wish I could go home and sleep it off but I can’t. I just don’t want to be here in this life. I’m not suicidal I have hope I’m just don’t want to be here. I feel incompetent and want to vape the whole day since I can’t sleep. Ugh I’m a freaking mess. I don’t know what to do with myself.

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One thing and pms

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So it seems PMS might be the root of my self dislike. I never keep track as it always comes so sometimes it’s a surprise when time flies and it’s here again.

I had a comment to name one thing I don’t dislike about myself even if apathetic to it. I thought a great idea so I’d have to say my ability to want to do my best.

I wish I was perfect but I’m finally getting better at excepting I’m not but I feel I’m always doing my best to be a better person and to be a good mom and at my job to put forth an effort.

I know I probably say it a lot but thank you guys for your continued support. It is always appreciated.

Stop

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I am struggling with the self love these days. I broke my no buy last night on impulse. I just don’t understand me. I need therapy again but to find someone local is hard. I’ve tried about everyone. Maybe I need to try harder. I just don’t like myself right now. I don’t know how to fix it.

I don’t wanna…

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I’m in a whiney mood. Life is funny. I wish I could get on disability to not deal with a job. I know people on disability who would love to work. I need to be grateful I have a job and that I function pretty well at it. I’m just not in the groove today. I have home projects I feel like doing for once and I sit here working.

Tangled

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I’m a tangle of negative and positive talk. My weight is really bothering me yet I don’t do anything about it. Yet I feel upbeat and grateful for my life. I do need to focus and settle down. Take another shot at the big picture which is love me this year.

This no buy is hard so far I’ve done decent but I get caught up in emails I am sent. Ugh. I’m going to refocus and stick to my no buy this week for sure. I can do this I know I can.

Triggered

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Once a year I get my iron checked. Due to a gastric bypass surgery eleven years ago I don’t absorb iron via food.

Every year he talks about my weight gain. He’s not rude about it but obviously it’s a sore spot. I am triggered and want to cry.

I’m embarrassed and feel like a loser. What’s the point of life if I can’t get my shit together.

I’m sitting here in the office waiting for an iron infusion feeling dejected.

No buy April

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I almost broke it on day two but stopped myself thankfully. It’s harder then I thought. I love to buy stuff. I’m not sure what stopped me but I’m thankful I did. Anxiety is better today but I just want to crawl into bed and sleep my life away. Does that sound like a plan?