I just knew it was going to be a stressful day

When I woke up yesterday my intuition was pushing me not to pull a morning tarot card because I was scared frankly. I am still learning my journey in that realm and I wasn’t sure if it would be guidance or me projecting. Which leads me to question on some level did my worry about the day create it to be worse? Then again I don’t believe in concrete manifestation. Yes we I do think your perceptions and mood can make a situation manifest better or worse but it isn’t going to stop the good or bad thing from happening.

Anyway first I went to work for morning meeting. Then I got my hair cut again at no charge because I couldn’t deal with how it looked. I had a client who use to be a hair stylist day it was shit. Sigh ok to me it looks better but I saw that same client today and she said no still like shit don’t go back to that lady again. So that’s a bummer.

Then I had to take one of the dogs to the shelter as she just needs more space to roam them I have. Please don’t judge me I promise I tried. I ultimately felt she would have a better quality of life somewhere else and well the shelter after trying other things was the only place right now. So I felt guilt about that.

Then I go to work dealing with a client who is emotionally exhausting to me for three hours. She was not in crisis though she feels ensuring is an immediate crisis because she doesn’t think ahead at problem solving. I get it and maybe I eviscerated too much. I don’t know. This puts me behind for the day.

Then as I’m pulling into a client home my car heat sensor comes on. I turn it off and the engine is gurgling. Fuck! So I get it towed. My dad can’t pick me up as at clients and thankfully a co worker did. I am left waiting on a tow truck worried while having to listen to the clients issues which is always the same thing as well.

It’s so hard in this profession to stay compassionate all the time. I am human and I do my best I swear. It’s just for real I’m dealing with something right now and you want to talk all about you? Yes I understand it’s her time but man.

Them I call other clients and say I won’t be there today which they took well and I decompressed. Oh but I didn’t get all my notes in so that’ll suck long term as well.

It really was just one thing after another. Honestly though yes it could be worse someone could be sick out dying but at what point do we say yes I accept this is a shitty day no need to see silver lining or be thankful for the day?

Today I’m up way early which may be a good thing as I can concentrate on my notes and get them caught up. I pray my vehicle will not cost a lot and my week will get better.

This weekend went fast

I didn’t do anything really except my boyfriend was here this weekend after two months of not seeing him in person. We just hung out and it still seemed to go faster than when we actually do something. Go figure. I ended up having a good day despite my morning being full of negative thoughts about myself. It’s amazing how it sneaks in for no good reason. I don’t remember being this self loathing before diagnosis and meds. Maybe ignorance is bliss.

I am praying I have a good week but I’m accepting that life will be what it is regardless. My fear of that tarot card didn’t manifest anything that I could perceive as a tower moment. It is proof to me that tarot is not a full prediction of what will happen. It is more a reflection of my worries and how I intuitively handle them.

I didn’t keep up on my WordPress reader so it isn’t going back very far to read all the posts. Grrr so annoying. Ok I should think about going to bed. Hope you all had a great weekend.

The problem with tarot

I truly love doing my tarot work. I was cautioned to do it with having a mental illness. I’m thinking due to anxiety it might bring. Well today is one of those days. I pulled my daily draw of the tower which is a very intuitive exhausting card as it essentially means something has to crumble or be broken to rebuild. I clarified with an additional card which was the five of cups. Speaking of sorrow and things lost while still having an opportunity to appreciate what is still standing if you only look.

So far today I have been stressing over this damn card. I know I need to reconcile what is reality of free will and what predictions it might bring. I’m thinking it’s a work thing as I’ve heard there has been some chances. I’m hoping that’s all it means.

Ok back to work I go

I’ve had five days off. I rather liked it though I was busy as hell through most of it. Today I go for two days which will seem weird and then the weekend. I hope and think it’ll go fast.

Yesterday I got my haircut. I felt like I was losing my hair but she assured me it is super thick and I was slightly embarrassed because I had dyed it with a brand that is very rough on your hair so I’m sure it was like cutting straw. Other then one question politely asked about the hair color she didn’t talk about the poor quality of my hair. Poor thing worked hard at getting it to be cut right so I gave her an extra tip. I then dyed as close to my original color and will try hard to not dye it every again. It’s not like I’m going gray though honestly I love that look so that would be ok.

I don’t know what today will bring. I’m praying it’s a good day either way I’m going to roll with the punches.

Odds and ends

We went to a drs appt three hours away from us for my 19 year old.  I have shared his journey here but for anyone who reads this and might not know… he’s had the brain surgeries due to a tumor since it was discovered when he was 7. In the last scan for the brain tumor which the remaining  section of that which is hard to get to has shrunk thankfully… they found a second mass behind his tonsils again hard to get to so we’ve been monitoring praying it’ll shrink as well.  So far it has not shrunk our grown.  They do not feel it’s cancerous due to it being pretty circular with no tendrils.  But other then that without a biopsy no idea what it is.  He decided he wants it out instead of doing continual mri on it.  So they are referring us to an adult surgeon closer to us since he was still seeing a children’s Dr due to them knowing his history.  The dr said adult drs might be able to remove with robotics and just know an adult body better.  And being an hour and half away versus three hours was a blessing.  We are hoping to have the surgery done this year due to insurance deductible and him being adult he is responsible for the bill.  Not that I wouldn’t help but he needs to learn to be self sufficient.  I’ve done a not so great job of that with him and I’ve finally realized doing things for him is not doing him a service since tomorrow is never promised. 

I got home yesterday and bought supper and crashed.  I woke up this morning deciding I was taking a mental health day from work and now listening to pink Floyd station on pandora.  I need to buy some groceries and do some paperwork from home for work.  No biggie really.  I can do it basically whenever as long as done today. 

With my med cocktail it’s hard to tell if I’m feeling depressed down deep and why I’m tired often or if it’s maybe something else.  I worry a little but keep plugging on. I’m grateful for my meds as if it is a depression that is getting through the meds… if be in a world of metaphysical hurt.  When your soul is in pain everything is dark. 

Break in writing got call from child support modification unit.  I am not a person who is all about the child support and getting every last drop.  I never thought to ask to modify it but he did earlier this year then dropped it.  I assumed as it came back he would owe more.  I decided to request a modification in return because there was a deadline.  I hadn’t heard anything in awhile so I caked during our three hour drive to inquire.  I had to leave a voicemail and they called back this morning.  My ex hasn’t seen our asked about our last remaining child we are “raising together” in months.  When he picked up the 19 year old last month for a night stay over.  He apparently didn’t even ask questions of that son about the other two children.  I was only told this because my 15 year old told me and I asked him if it bothered him and he said no BUT I’m thinking that’s not a true feeling as he has mentioned it to me a couple of times without me prompting and so it must bother him.  I reassure I love him and don’t talk bad about their dad as I do not want to alienate him

Come to find out the request has been sitting in the wrong office and they are accepting it today.  I have to fill out paperwork and then they will try to get him to but it’s more important that I do. I ask if they will include the increasing premium for insurance I pay from the divorce decree and if they factor in that he never sees the child even with the allotted days in the decree. They do. I don’t know if that will make him take my son more often but it might not be a bad thing to have that forced bond???? I’m not sure. I guess we’ll see.

Ok well I’m going to do some work stuff and get some groceries here soon. I hope you all have a blessed day.

What am I doing?

I’m sitting waiting for the psych dr. I decided I can’t keep stock piling klonopin I’m not taking. I have three months worth barely touched. If course the fear is to lose it and need it again and not get it back but I’m trying to see this as progress. Plus if I do have a suicidal unbearable moment I won’t have months on months of pills to take to actually complete it. I need to think big picture right?

Sorrowful dream

I just woke up from the same continual sorrowful dream. I say continual as I had the beginning of it woke up in a startle was up about fifteen minutes shaking it off only to go back to sleep to it being worse. I think dreams have some vision meaning occasionally .. like you need a good cry and I can’t cry in waking life often so I will in my dream or some imagery that plays out that might have some unconscious meaning that needs forward thought. Since I don’t or am unable to interpret dreams I don’t keep a dream journal. Though I think if you do your way awesome.

Anyway this one was so sorrowful. First it started weird enough I was like on a post divorce date with my ex it was a disaster of course and we had our 19 year old son with us. For some reason we went back to his place ( where I’ve never been) and his live in came out from the shower day on his lap and he refused to take us home. I for some reason had no money so decided to call 911 for a ride home but was on hold a long time. Ok totally weird in itself but not sorrowful really yet. In this first portion I then discovered a 18 month old in the home and realize it’s our child I left behind for some reason so I was going to take him with me and let the courts decide who gets him as after all he was my child. Alittle concerning dream wise but not yet to the level of sorrowful. In a million years I would never leave a child behind that was mine. I know this through my fear of a custody battle that never happened when we were divorcing. I saw my deceased aunt who was high and said something mean to me which she never would have done either… again startling but not sorrowful. I finally got 911 and told them I had no ride and for some reason my ex had left the home and 911 was going to pick us up. I then woke up thinking… thank God I’m out of that dream that was bizarre. I had some latent energy from it so was up for a bit.

I decide to go back to bed. I now just woke up to it just being him sleeping for some reason, taking care of the toddler with my best friend from years ago and a co worker sitting at the table. We were discussing this time to leave in my friend’s car with the toddler and wondering when he’d wake up. Now the sorrowful party is the dream played out that this child was born the same day I had lost a baby and he’d been hiding the child from me. He woke up and he swore the child want mine crying about me taking the child and saying the child was from an affair he had and it was a coincidence that the child and my child had the same birthday. I argued with him that it had to be my child he stole and hide from me and I was taking the child. I then woke up again.

Writing this out had worked some of that negative feeling energy from me and left me wondering why I’d had this dream. … back to back so vividly remembering it. I woke up so sorrowful that in my dream I’d had to go through losing a baby only to find the child being what I thought stolen from me.

It’s now 4:19 am and I think I’ll just stay up as though in general I don’t feel I’d be back in the dream but the what if I do hanging there. I have a busy non work day with a psych appointment ( am hour away) and getting my son ready for hopefully getting hired at a good for him very local job… it’s for the school so fingerprints and such. Then tomorrow I’m off again for a follow up mri for same son for the mass behind his tonsils we’ve been watching. It’s a three hour drive there and back each way plus the mri at 10:30 and drs at 1:50. Please feel free if you want to through out ideas what this dream could represent I’m very curious.

People being human

I’m trying hard not to lash out at my boyfriend.  His moods are so on and off I wonder sometimes if he’s not bipolar.  So first question… when is it just being human to have swings in emotions when triggered by some unknown grievance and when is it a mental disorder?

I went out with Co worker.  It was fine but it left me wondering if I come across as someone who is very open to share life feelings with or it’s her.  She talked about her low self esteem and being scammed by men on the internet dating.  She keeps making this pattern of giving money to men who turn out to be bad guys or just plan not real.  She talked about how she could never get a 9 or 10 looks wise and I could tell likes the idea that she is with these scammers. Frankly I’ll take my bipolar over those problems any day. 

So I mentioned pulling the devil card yesterday. It definitely showed its way through the day. I had to tell myself not to be tempted with my boss to get in the middle of the two co workers shit. Then with not telling the co worker are you freaking kidding me… give me the hundred dollars I could use it rather than a freaking iTunes card to some not real person.

Anyway that’s how my day went. Today should be fun as I really need to clean my house and garage out. I want to stay focused and on task. Wish me luck 😀

The devil

Today my tarot card if the day was the devil. My intuition says today I will be tempted somehow. It’s up to me to be mindful of martyrdom and feeling like I’m a victim.

My recent weeks pulls have been more positive cards so I am really paying attention to this one… if I remember lol

It’s Friday so yay for that. I think I have plans and am solidifying them right now. I hope it’s fun at least.

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