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I’m up to no good. I’m falling into old patterns and causing stress in my life I don’t need. Be careful what you ask for you may just get it then what? You leave a trail of destruction. At least I do. Financially… Love… Work…. Maybe I’m not a better person. Maybe I deserve the grief I get.
Today I’m full of worries. I have a job interview on Thursday. What if I get it? It’s another choice I have to make and what if it’s the wrong one? Why is making choices so hard? It’s tired to my current job and what if they block me and I’m out a job I’ve seen that happen before. I’m just scared I guess.
I’m bored today. I’ve got cabin fever due to the ice storm. I realize I want people to fall instantly in love with me but it doesn’t happen. It’s always the same thing I want some one or some thing to save me. To make me whole but I need to realize only I can do that. It all starts with me.
Having one of those days I can’t get away from random thoughts. From work to my current life to my past. Nothing really depressive and nothing super regretful just a cacophony of thoughts that are invading. My mood overall is decent so there’s that. I guess I just want a different life but it’s hard to change it without being impulsive or drastic.
I was not honest with the thoughts of not wanting to wake up. Mainly because come to find out he won’t be my Dr anymore. I had to get a new one. Though when I was honest about the paranoia he said and did nothing about it. This is why I don’t know why I even bother. On the plus side the nurse said the new Dr I’m getting she said is caring and good. I’m worried she’ll take away the klonopine. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. So ready for the weekend is three days in a row due to a state holiday. Whoop whoop.
I’m at the psych Dr and anxiety is really triggered. I’m not sure if I should be honest in my desire to not exist this week or keep it to myself. Last time I was honest I was told I have bipolar and I need to learn to deal with it. Which is true but who wants to be told that in a harsh manner? Ugh the mental health field can be so messed up.
So today I’m ok with existing. I like that feeling so much better. Duh right? I’m debating on seeing a movie tonight or waiting on the weekend. I think I could easily become agoraphobic. Sometimes the thought of being away from the house scares me. I really want to see the movie though. We shall see how I feel when I get off work.