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Not much to say

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I’m plugging along. Not depressed not hypo manic. Some anxiety because I have a lot to worry about. But it’s manageable. I’ve actually enjoyed the last few days. Today I don’t feel motivated but my mom is over so I can’t just do nothing. So I’m taking a break and writing this post. I got a lot on my mind but it’s a lot of little things. Nothing big to rant about. I guess I just wanted to pop in and say hi and see how you all have been.

Failure

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I feel like a failure today. I can’t do anything right at work. I can’t patent right. I can’t financially get it together. I don’t know why my boyfriend is with me. I fail at friendships. I just can’t shake it. I also feel like a fraud. I pretend to have it all together but I’m a mess. Not even a hot one at that. I need a long break but can’t afford it. I’ll just keep plugging along. 

Adrift

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I feel adrift today. It’s funny you try and make friends but quickly they have no need for you. I try to remind myself of that saying people have a time and place in our lives good or bad. 

Other then this feeling I feel good. Not depressed which is a plus. Just ready for a new chapter in my life. Maybe I can write this one happier. 

Thoughts overload

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Today I am having a thoughts overload day. Tomorrow I have a hearing at work I’m stressed about and it makes my mind do terrible mean things to myself. To counteract it all I’m going to be generous and kind to myself. I’m going to take a shower straighten my hair to look good tomorrow and put on makeup. I’m going to replace each negative thought with two positives. I’m going to work hard at not letting the negativity take over. Wish me luck 🙂

Looking back and forward

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I am pensive tonight. Feeling a little lonely. I don’t have any friends to call and bullshit with. I tried one but she was busy and now I feel like a burden. But I shouldn’t I just asked if she was busy and she was. Ugh this is where being borderline really sucks.

As far as the title… It’s coming up on my year anniversary of being in the psych hospital. I feel like my life is so much better now then it was then. I still have hope something I lost during those dark weeks. I am in a happier relationship. My kids are happier. Life in general is good.

But there is that flip side that everyone with mental health issues has… The inconsistencies in mood and happiness. It eats at me and I feel I’m no better at coping with basic things then I was a year ago. I was suppose to find peace this year. Am I setting too high of expectations having that goal? Is it good to have goals when you struggle weekly with life? I want more but lack something to get it. But what is more? I think it’s that elusive happiness or maybe recovery people talk about. Is it possible? 

It’s Friday

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I’m ready for the weekend. I have a few things planned. Just got to get through today. My mood is weird I’m in a good mood but stressed. So there is a line of tension. I went home early yesterday and slept all day. I think my body needed it. 

The ex finally got a lawyer and is contesting some divorce things. This is not helping my stress levels. I’m scared it’ll be a battle and to think I was nice and generous I felt. But then again in his best interest I guess to have his own…though I’m not sure what there is to contest it was the usual with these things. Grrr. 

I’ve been spending money like crazy I need to get back on track. It just brings me some relief like food does. If I get the transfer I’ll need to find a therapist in my work area. Maybe I can get in before September. Let’s hope.

Vlog from yesterday

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I’m dabbling in vlogging. It’s really rough but heartfelt. Checking it out if you’d like.

As far as today I’m super tired and didn’t put makeup on today. I am trying to think of excuses to go home early but I’m out of good excuses. Plus it won’t get my work done. Feeling tired is exhausting. Duh right. Lol. Otherwise I’m actually in good spirits. I just need a nap.