I think i might have forgotten to tell you my car broke down this weekend. Though i am not thankful for the money to put into the heap i am thankful it worked Friday when i went to clients houses. I’m thankful i signed up for triple aaa just in time to forgo the cost of a tow and I’m thankful i have a little savings. Praying it isn’t going to be a lot to fix but I’m worried it will be.
I am feeling good … this has berm a positive med change for now. I don’t feel depressed though i still lack motivation. I’m not sure how to find that. 😕
I know I’m too hard on myself. I need to give myself credit that i do the best i can. I can’t be perfect. You just try and that has to account for something.
I do hurt my feelings over and over by rehashing scenarios that I’m sure the other people don’t think twice about. Actually i haven’t really been doing this recently… i just realized and i am sure it’s helping my mood. I have a grateful heart for that. It’s so refreshing i wish i could bottle it up and share it.
These two pictures say a lot. I’ve often went on about how others have a better life then me but do they really? I’ve created the negativity and drama of wanting a different life that i will never get. I know i have to live through mental health issues and right now for the most part I’m in a good place. But it’s always a trigger away from not being. So you’d think I’d be getting my life in order… take advantage of stability.. nope and oddly I’m not beating myself up over it. Is this progress or a lull?
I agreed with those that said to look at my posts to how unhappy i am. And the other supportive comments… I think it was good feedback with that said I’m staying at my current job. I just don’t think I’d be any happier in the other position. It would be working with boys who are teens with reactive attachment disorder. And to be financially strapped and deal with being called names and hit etc i don’t think I’d be in a better mental spot. Plus it was twelve hours overnight and i have fourteen year old boy still at home. The cons outweigh the pros.
It makes me wonder how we find happiness. It has to come from within right? Yet i sabotage it too often. It’s not the scenery it’s the place inside.
On a side note I’m sitting here waiting to see if i get a reaction to my second covid vaccination. I should be good to go unless it mutates too much. This pandemic has been hard on everyone.
I got the other job but i went to put in my two weeks notice and my boss asked me to reconsider. She says i do a great job and should stick it out. Frankly i don’t know if i can afford the pay cut at the other place. I told her I’d think about it today. I need a guiding voice to tell me what to do. I’ve prayed on it and frankly i don’t know the answer. I’m afraid i won’t be happy anywhere.
I don’t know what i feel. I’m ok i guess. Got through the day now just relaxing. I feel like i want to sleep my life away yet am looking forward to the future. I think we need to give all of us grace. Life is hard and with mental health issues it just gets tougher. We all have value and our struggles are valid.
I woke up one day and actually did all the things i wanted to do like exercise and eat healthy… journal and cleaned my house. What a miracle that’d be. In a perfect world right?
I do good with what i have though… i need to give myself some credit. I go to work … I’m raising children on my own… and i struggle to frankly stay alive some days with scary thoughts. I’m a bad ass damn it and tonight I’m happy to be. Forget the what ifs.
I feel paralyzed in fear of my brain. I don’t get anything done and i haven’t taken a shower in several days. I know if it wasn’t for the meds I’d be in full depression mode. It’s weird though i feel split in two… perfectly fine and blatantly miserable.
If i thought 2021 was going to miracleously be perfect i was so wrong. Yet i feel I’m in the right direction. I truly am having a bipolar moment my mind split in two directions.
My word of the year is intention. I want to follow a path of good and make positive changes. I want connections and good intentions. I just have to figure out how.
I’m sitting here thinking about death. I never want to die im scared of it. To not exist is scary. I keep thinking what if i don’t wake up in the morning? Why do i have these thoughts and fears? More so why do i get suicidal when i know i don’t want to die. I’m looping and it’s got me paranoid. I’m scared if i don’t die someone else i know will. I’ve been blessed to have my family for so long. Why do some people die and others live long lives? I’m listening to music trying to distract and write here to get it off my chest. I just want a break from my mind to be someone else without making life hard.
I pretty much have a guaranteed new job but it’s a large pay cut. It would be 3-12 hour shifts overnight mentoring and/ or watching troubled youth. I did a similar job ten years ago but the place shut down. I’d also do a Saturday shift every other weekend. As usual I’m not sure i want it though. I am going to make a pros and cons list tonight. If it wasn’t for the pay difference i know what is do… but now i just don’t know but frankly money doesn’t bring peace.
I am over all in a good spot right now mentally. I just know this job i have now is not for me. I dread starting my days. I want a job that has more good days then bad. Is that too much to ask for?