Struggling

I’m really struggling right now. I feel very on edge and emotionally drained. I don’t know how to fix it and maybe that’s the problem. I need to accept it or is that the toxic positivity people say? The question is ultimately how do I deal with emotions that are tough. I feel so much stress. I think I have that job and I know it won’t fix anything completely but it should help I feel. Then I get doubt on if it’ll work out and I’ll be disqualified for some reason. My paranoia is through the roof and I can’t deal. I want to shut down but I can’t even seem to manage that. Is that a good thing? I just so want a happy joy filled life but does that exist? Am I meant to always be in turmoil? I just don’t know.

Hiccups

I do tentatively have the job. There is a hiccup though they are having issues getting someone to verify my work ethic as a supervisor. My current job only confirms I work there. My old last children division supervisor won’t return calls so they reached out thankfully and another supervisor I’m friends with that was my old supervisor is willing to give me a reference. Fingers crossed that satisfies that. Though now I’m having mixed feelings about leaving as I found out there has been consequences to the co worker who is giving me trouble then again if she’s willing to try to get me fired before I’m sure I’m still on the radar. And I live in the gray with some people. Plus I still feel it is toxic as no one has addressed my feelings about it all yet she gets to work less hours for self care? I’ve been assured by another person this is not a reward but to me it feels like it. Sigh. So I guess right now I am not so much caring to say fuck you s as you people suck more of so want to be valued and it’s a time to move on. Still needing positive mojo it all works out please. Love you all!

Maybe things will work out

I had crazy dreams last night. Different things all over just very chaotic. My job interview went well and I think I’m in the running of everything checks out. I reached out about an easier way to get ahold of my supervisor and she said she’d like that number. I’m still waiting for the shoe to drop. It’s a thin line between doubt and faith. Other then that life has been ok. I still have my moments but it’s tolerable. Hope all of you are doing well too.

Interview

I feel it went well but I felt the last one did too and I didn’t get the job. I’m trying my best to not get my hopes up. I’m fearful something will mess it up and I’m unhireable I know this is catastrophic thinking but I suck at using cbt skills. Sigh… plus my main job doesn’t stop and I have a difficult client right now and a lot of paranoia. So it’s a perfect storm off nerves. I guess I’ll find out when I do either way. Now to do some kind of self care to help me.

Interesting things are happening

While I am still mentally struggling with why on earth this person is not fired. And knowing there is no peace from it. I am job hunting again. I no longer have the care for bullshit or with the limited benefits of the job to keep feeling suicidal ideation because things aren’t right or fair.

Ideally I want to wait until after July but then again I don’t want to miss an opportunity for a job that would be a good enough fit just for additional yet to me good chunk of money. I know I earned my bonus but you have to be working there to get it when paid out. I guess nothing in life can be perfect.

So I’ve been tentatively job hunting and already this week have two job interviews and a third company reach out due to seeing my resume on indeed. I’ve said my prayers for insight on what to do. Ultimately time will tell. Today is the first one at noon then nine am on Thursday. Once again I ask for this time guidance mojo, positive vibes, and prayers. It is always appreciated.

Tomorrow is a work day again

And the insecurities are back full force. It is manifesting as people on my team have no idea just what this lady is doing and how she is and some feel sorry for her because she’s had a rough life. I know it is not healthy in my mind to care or worry about it. But you see I tried telling myself to “just let it go” but that never fucking works. I don’t know how to just let it go. I know I’m a good person and I’m not this evil person she’s painted me to be. But I can’t and don’t even try to correct it as people believe the negative more than the integrity shown through character. I just beyond dread going and I do want a week off but don’t want to use all my saved up pto in the process… so I’m not sure how to reconcile it in my mind. Anyone have any suggestions on how to help with insecurities? Self care? Journal? I just don’t know.

Struggling with insecurities

I’m trying my best to breath and not let my insecurities running through my head. Social media is a beast I have expectations and then I don’t get reactions I expect so the doubt comes in. I really want to start a YouTube community and videos. I think I have something to share on that platform but how can I if even a post on Facebook gets me down? I’m 45 years old when do I get security?

On another note hr meeting went meh Pluses I’m not on the radar to be disciplined or fired. They are aware of what the lady has done and handling and just keep being professional as I have been. Minuses I was told point blank not to talk to her one on one. Which I find to be an odd request for a business where we are dependent on each other to do our jobs. I didn’t get validation I was treated shitty and I feel something like let down but for no good reason. I know hr can’t tell me what’s going on with her but she is acting like nothing is wrong and weirdly up beat. It disturbs me. But once again I have to accept it. I’m really trying.

Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow around noonish I meet with hr about my situation. I feel oddly at peace with it. I decided to give the lady an outline of what I know and experienced so I don’t have to go in blind and them either. And if they have questions it’ll be more concise and hopefully the meeting will not take long as I have a busy day.

Today was a good day until the end. I wish I wouldn’t let things bother me. I think if I had one wish it wouldn’t be that I don’t have bipolar like I use to think but that I had thicker skin with it. I am just not sure how to toughen my heart and soul to things that I can’t control and I have good intentions with.

My mom said no job is worth dying over when I wanted to go to the er as the thoughts were unbearable to deal with myself I am very glad she talked me down as even though I don’t see the psych hospital as a bad thing. It was more a trigger maladaptive coping skill situation then a true consistent hopelessness.

My bf tells me I am more strong then I give myself credit for and I agree. Fighting for what is right stresses me out but I want to be that person. And fighting for oneself is extrodenarily important. Of course it doesn’t hurt to ask for positive mojo and good vibes from you all so please send them my way.

Just when things couldn’t get worse

I have some hard core proof I’m being set up to be fired. That lady is even bringing clients into the mix and the fucked up thing is my boss is lying for her. I was so suicidal I almost went to er but my bf and mom got me back on track. Though a week in the hospital sounds wonderful as I had a good experience last time. I don’t want my meds changed though it’s just due to high stress.

I can’t sleep. I rarely have insomnia but I keep trying to figure out what is best to do. If I am going to get fired why not go out fighting right? But I’m passive really and my intentions were good and now it’s all shit. I’m tempted to ask for the week of due to mental stress but I’m fearful I’ll be denied. I didn’t get the job and I can’t figure out why. Honestly the interview went near perfect.

I think I’m going to have to get real hr involved as though I operate on a level of paranoia when there is proof it isn’t paranoia right? If I’m going to get fired anyway what do I have to lose?

I never wanted to be back here. It started with just asking for help in communication and trying to make the stress of conflict better. I don’t know where it all went wrong.

Anxiety is a bitch

My interview went exceedingly well. But due to current job becoming unbearable I am having doubts. When you want something so bad I think I (we) sabotage our minds into worrying it won’t work out. I always knew my boss could be vindictive but I have yet to truly be the target. Now I feel I am … something’s have to be more then a coincidence.

I am up at freaking 330 am unable to quite my mind wondering too many factors. My sleeping sounds of music whales and water lapping are not sorting me. Vaping my only friend. Klonopin not putting a dent in it.

How do you trust it’ll all work out? That’s good people deserve good things. That truly you are not the problem though somehow you’ve become the problem? My boss is even doing shady things now. I was very specific in an email I sent that I didn’t want to be in this toxic environment and requested if given the chance to move on. To just let rabid dogs lay and allow me to peacefully exit out of a working relationship that can’t get better. But nope it got worse. I see it’s not just the one lady but the boss as well. The whole team is fucked up and I want no part.

Ultimately my mind tells me I put this in the universe as I made a joke to my parents I needed to not get fired before July so I can get my bonus and be vested in my 401k. Gah why I have to speak those words? Rationally I think surely that’s really not how this life works but apparently it does.

How do you trust it’ll all work out when your mind revolts and worries about things you can’t control?

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