Thank you and other blabbering

Thank you for the kind birthday wishes. It’s been uneventful but maybe that’s a good thing. I did have my ice cream cake so there’s that. Lol

My mom is on about my weight again. I’m going to work in therapy how to kindly tell her it’s not helpful. In the mean time i just listen which isn’t good for my psyche.

Interestingly enough i found the other night i had a healthy snack before bed. I was up every hour until i had fruit chews then i slept at least four hours straight. I just know there is some kind of trauma there or conditioning. I just don’t know what.

I feel sad ๐Ÿ˜ฅ and though I like my solitude a smidgen lonely. I don’t feel full on depressed… does that make sense? I’m fearful of therapy this time. It’s two fold that it won’t work or i get some kind of break through that explains so much.

All i know is i want a better year. How i manifest it i don’t know. I know there are people that swear by that stuff and it works. If only i was one of them ๐Ÿ˜•

#blogtober20 some might say

Some might say I’ve changed so much. I’m more introverted. I lack self esteem. I don’t reach out like i should.

It’s officially my birthday today. Thank you for all the well wishes yesterday. I’m feeling rather lonely. I wish i had a big family to hang out with but then that doesn’t guarantee unconditional love. I feel a bit cheated out of life. Another year yes and I’m thankful really i am but what a freaking loser year it’s been. I wish i had hearts and rainbows to say. Maybe i need to take a shower put on some makeup and make this day my bitch ๐Ÿ˜†

#blogtober20 Saturday night

I’m going to do a big Ole nothing on my Saturday night. I sit here thinking of I’m ok with it and I’m really not. Tomorrow is my birthday and i really wish i had friends to celebrate it with. My parents aren’t even making a cake as we had a joint birthday party last week for me and my oldest.

I don’t feel lonely… i just don’t feel special and you should on your birthday i feel.

On a side note i got a messenger ding on my phone. It was a friend from years ago. I haven’t answered her as we were friends when we were married and i think she knows things about what the ex did behind my back that frankly i don’t want to know. Maybe I’m being silly. I do miss her as a friend.

#blogtober20 holiday

I could totally use a holiday right now. Somewhere sunny with a beach. But that’s not happening any time soon.

My mood is OK though the anxiety is back at least I’m not having suicidal thoughts. I’m looking forward to two days off.

I like this quote as i need to remember my bipolar is not my fault and not a sign of failure. It is something I’ve been dealt but it doesn’t have to fully define me. It’s okay to be all those things and it’s OK to be me.

#blogtober20 all that she wants

It took me this many days to realize the prompts in following are song related.

Anyway… all i really want is some peace that life will be better. I realized I’m scared to do therapy. I thought i wanted to dig deep but what if it’s too dark down there?

I don’t want so many things… like my job. I wish I’d get fired or laid off but I’m not going to sabotage it. I’ll keep… keeping on. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel ineffective and useless. No wonder i have bad thoughts.

Word vomit

I just feel like words vomiting for a minute. Once again i have nothing to do at work and too much time on my hands to think.

I want a different life but i don’t know how to get it. I want so bad to quit but then how do i pay my bills? Every day i just want to say fuck it and not show up. I’ve tried for other jobs but nothing is sticking.

My boyfriend is coming to see me at the end of the month so that’s good news. He didn’t have covid just a regular flu bug. I just got to get through all these bullshit days.

I’m angry on so many levels. Why do some people get the good lives? I know they are not perfect but damn it how do i get that lottery of just regular struggles? I’m angry at my drs and how life is right now. I want so much more out of life but i don’t know how to manifest it.

#blogtober20 wannabe

This probably goes without saying but i wannabe without mental health issues. I want everyone to be free of them.

I start therapy tomorrow. I’m hoping for the best. I know i need it. Got to get some of these cobwebs out. I talked to my boss and she was accommodating so that’s great.

My psych called in the same meds I’ve been on after the er debacle. I see her in a month. I guess that’s something. I called a different drs office to set an appt but they haven’t called back. I’ll try again.

I feel a little defeated. God help me through this i pray. Have to have faith and hope right?

Almost

I almost went to the psych hospital today. My psych dr wanted me to go instead of changing meds but the emergency room dr said no. So I’m back home but… i called my boss above my boss because my boss was out for the day and she told my Co workers i was out indefinitely… what does that mean? I’m so embarrassed i just want to quit. Even though i know nothing to be embarrassed about. And now I’m without a dr to help with meds.

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