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not sure what to think

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My psych Dr was no help. He stated there is no cure for bipolar so even with medication I will get symptoms. He said I should take the klonopine when needed as is what is there for. No discussion on medication changes. Even though I told him I had felt suicidal during the week. 

I feel so alone in this. I want to cry if I could. I do want to be cured and maybe it’s what’s holding me back. It doesn’t exist is like pining for a man who will never love you. Complete mental anguish. 

work work work

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Work just holds no joy but it pays well. And frankly having bipolar would I be happy at any job? I’m making it worse by choices I make and how I say things then I beat myself up over it. Bluck. 

still struggling

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Life is hard in my head right now. I just can’t move forward. I feel I’m at a brick wall. This book I’m reading says i need to regulate with diet exercise less to no caffeine. It’s all I know but then at a chance to be well why don’t I jump at it? What holds me back? So many other people can live a clean life why can’t I? I feel there is a locked door and I don’t have the right key. God help me.

anxiety update

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I took my klonopine and it helped. It made the negative thoughts of not being able to bear it go away thankfully. I got an appt Friday with the doctor so just got to get through this week. Ugh it’s only Tuesday. 

Work is stressing me out my new boss is great but it’s a change and she operates differently then my old boss. I asked her about this big meeting coming up she said she was sworn to secrecy but that I wouldn’t like the changes. Wtf! I have to wait two weeks to find out what they are. Stupid job. Plus I’m overwhelmed in general so that doesn’t help.

I signed my divorce docs today. I feel like I should be more sad. I just feel anxious to have it over with.

Where did those days go where I felt care free? This disorder is worse then most. I know it probably messed up but I’d rather be physically chronically ill then mentally. Maybe I’m naive but I feel I’d be easier. To have your own mind in a fairly regular basis want you dead is devastating frankly. I feel like a ticking time bomb.

Still I sit here and write this and I’m better then a year ago. I have hope still… Not that I’ll be cured but that I’ll have another good day and I can use my skills better so I’m proud of that. 

anxiety hell

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I’m in anxiety hell the last two days. I can’t get out of it. It’s to the point I’m having unhealthy thoughts just to escape it. Most of it is irrational fears but some are triggers that have happened. I’m going to call my Dr and see if I can get in this Friday to see him. Cross your fingers. 

interesting “fact”

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Here is an interesting quote from “Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder: A 4-Step Plan for You and Your Loved Ones to Manage the Illness and Create Lasting Stability” by Julie A. Fast, John Preston –

“A study by Judd and colleagues in 2003 looked at the course of bipolar disorder over a period of thirteen years. During this time, people with Bipolar II spent 15 percent of their days in major depression, 40 percent of days in minor depressions, and only 1.4 percent of days in hypomania. The most common length for hypomanic episodes was one to three days”

I sometimes think or wonder if I’m really bipolar ii since I don’t get hypo very often. But I think that’s due to meds and then also probably the above interesting “fact” I put it in quotes as I’m not sure how true it is but it does seem accurate to me. It is very validating as I do feel I spend my time in those states that respective amount of time. 

It goes on to say 

“the biggest problem in Bipolar II is depression. And over the life span, Bipolar II patients spend three times as many days in depression than do Bipolar I patients. Rapid cycling (four or more severe episodes during a one-year period) is much more common in Bipolar II than in Bipolar I. Bipolar II often goes on for years before it’s recognized as bipolar disorder, because it’s often mistaken for recurrent unipolar depression. Due to the chronic nature of Bipolar II compared with Bipolar I, it’s also mistaken for oddness, moodiness, and the inability to just snap out of it!”
This is what I experienced. My psych Dr at the time said I only had recurrent depression but I knew there was something more going on. I advocated for myself and got a psych evaluation that confirmed bipolar ii it was so frustrating to me and if you can tell still is lol that he didn’t see the signs more.

Another tidbit

“Anxiety is the most common co-existing symptom in bipolar disorder, as it occurs in more than 90 percent of people with the illness.”
Well hell! I hope this book sheds light on how to stop or at least curb it. But once again very validating.

What are your thoughts?

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I am currently reading “Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder: A 4-Step Plan for You and Your Loved Ones to Manage the Illness and Create Lasting Stability” by Julie A. Fast, John Preston –

I read this snippet just now…

“For people with the illness, management has to come first—before work, relationships, creativity, and life in general. Even though it seems chaotic and psychological, bipolar disorder is actually a very predictable and often very treatable physical illness.”

On a side note you can Start reading this book for free:

Do you agree with that statement? That 

  1. Managing should come before everything else
  2. It’s predictable
  3. It’s a physical illness

I’m still forming my thoughts as I read the book but wanted to know what some of you thought.