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I’m at my wits end

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I am struggling with balancing my work and I think the bpd more then the bipolar but I am in a depression so not sure.

My friend says I can get on partial disability and on some affordable care insurance. Has anyone had luck with any of that. My job is toxic for my mental health and I can’t deal anymore.

Please leave comment or email me at please tia

comments, questions, random thoughts leave below and please check out my social media sites! I appreciate you all! !!!


What I do when I can’t act out!

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Try to take my dark highly dyed dark red hair and make it blonde. This is the project I attempted today so I didn’t over eat… make hyper sexual decisions… or drink. I think I like it but not sure. I know the foundation is way too light now with the lighter hair. I will need to decide how to fix that 😀 but I will.

I had a shitty on call weekend and I have to go back tomorrow and figure out all the work I need to do before I get four days off. Plus a count down to a vacation all by myself to see a few friends up north. I can’t wait!!!


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I found these on facebook today and I felt they are so true to any mental illness. I know the top one is the worst for me. I need to print it off and keep it in my wallet!

I am sorry I haven’t gotten or taken time to catch up on everyone’s blogs. As you all know a side effect of bi-polar and/or BPD is procrastination and lack of concentrating/caring most days. This week it caught up with me at work and though I had issues sleeping I just couldn’t emotionally read blogs. Not even my beauty ones I follow. I hope you can forgive me. I am on call this weekend but off Monday then Thursday and Friday. I will catch up on all your personal blogs then. I promise 😀 I really love this blogging community and appreciate you all… for reals.

On a personal note. This is where I am today.

In case you don’t want or can’t watch the video here are the lyrics.

Why… Why…
How many times do I have to try to tell you,
That I’m sorry for the things I’ve done?! Uhhh…
But when I start to try to tell you,
That’s when you have to tell me:
Hey…this kind of trouble’s only just begun.
I tell myself too many times,
Why don’t you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut. 
That’s why it hurts so bad to hear the words,
That keep on falling from your mouth.
Falling from your mouth.
Falling from your mouth.
Tell me…

I may be mad;
I may be blind;
I may be viciously unkind;
But I can still read what you’re thinking.
And I’ve heard it said too many times,
That you’d be better off…
Why can’t you see this boat is sinking
(This boat is sinking this boat is sinking)
Let’s go down to the water’s edge,
And we can cast away those doubts.
Some things are better left unsaid,
But they still turn me inside out.
Turning inside out…
Turning inside out…

Tell me…
Tell me…

This is the book I’ve never read;
These are the words I’ve never said;
This is the path I’ll never tread;
These are the dreams I’ll dream instead;
This is the joy that’s seldom spread;
These are the tears…
The tears we shed
This is the fear;
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel?
‘Cause I don’t think you know how I feel
I don’t think you know what I feel
I don’t think you know what I fear
You don’t know what I fear


This is so cute!

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I got hardly no sleep last night and I’m surprised I’m not falling over but I am exhausted. I am in call this weekend. I have to take my son to see his friend in hospital. My mom had surgery on her pace maker today and it went ok. I’m waiting for my husband to come home and see if we can get along today.

At least I got my big file done today and I have been faithful to eating clean. Even went to Mexican and had no chips. I got a tossed salad and used salsa as dressing it was amazing.

I hope your all have a Zen holiday if in usa and if not a Zen regular old weekend. Lol

comments, questions, random thoughts leave below and please check out my social media sites! I appreciate you all! !!!

Really struggling right now

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I had a busy stressful work week but I have been feeling good. Tonight some drama in our family happened. Part of the drama was reassuring … my son took a chance and came to me on a serious problem…. but because I feel others pain to much it had spun me into a pity cry my eyes out party.

I’m fighting the urge to make every bad choice… binge eat… spend money I don’t have… emotionally cut myself by looking up/fb stalking an ex from when my husband and I were separated. So far I’ve overcome it all. But I’m just tired of the struggle why did my brain make life to hard?

comments, questions, random thoughts leave below and please check out my social media sites! I appreciate you all! !!!

Facebook Community Secret Group

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I never meant for this blog to be all about me. I can’t deny it has been so helpful for me to talk through things or vent or use it to try to point out life positives. I want it to be a resource as well. I know in my current low cycle I am in it is difficult. I have really been into facebook groups lately. Some of royally irritated me how rude people can be to each other and others have been a great way to make friends or interact,

I know a lot of us are anonymous I respect that. I too had an anonymous blog previously. I have created a facebook group that is secret called Mental Health Bloggers. If you want to join me email with the subject add me to FB group.

I do not care if you use your real name or you set up a false account to join. I do care that we are honest, kind, and if posting about triggers to make it clear. We need to take care of each other after all 😀

I do hope you will join me as often I want to check in or chat with people who “get me” but I don’t have the time to always read every post and/or comment. Though I promise I wish I could!!!

Struggling ***possible triggers

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I don’t know what to do with myself now that I’ve taken away my number one coping mechanism. I’m doing good at sticking with my detox and not binging.though I do feel like a bartender who is in court ordered AA. My first day at work since dieting… don’t care that is what it is right now and once ball ids rolling I’ll start to call it a lifestyle change.

I just don’t want to exist. I am not suicidal in the true I have a plan love ones be damned. I just hate my life… other than my beautiful children who keep me going. I’m in pain. I’m over worked, stressed, and even the things I’m excited about I am forcing myself to care about and do. I want to just quit my job. My boss feels like my diagnose is not correct and silly me for trying to explain why I’m struggling. I said I hide a lot of it. I’m good at pretending but hard to do the older I get. Then I dropped it.

I bowed out of trying for a promotion. My son’s test didn’t reveal anything that can help him. I am unhappy in my marriage for various reasons. I just dreamt of a different life.

And my paranoia is back. This the picture up there. I can’t make friends add I attract the wrong kind. Or no one wants to be friends with a dfs worker.

There was a murder on my street Sunday. My friend knew them do it made it more surreal. I live in a resort/rural area. People do not get murdered here. This is the second similar type of death within a month. This other dude was drag racing on my twenty five mph street and ran into ups truck like a brick wall. Wtf.

Anyway lunch time is over. Back to being miserable and praying I get caught up on things.

comments, questions, random thoughts leave below and please check out my social media sites! I appreciate you all! !!!