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High anxiety

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And I brought it in myself with poor choices. Trying to keep with my new dbt skills and not judge but it is hard when the choices were bad. Plus husband not working so financial stain doesn’t help. I just want to sleep the next two week away. Klonopone is my only friend right now. And even she leaves me sometimes. Sigh. Hope you all in blogesphere is doing better than me.

comments, questions, random thoughts leave below and please check out my social media sites! I appreciate you all! !!!

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Regrets I have a few

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Or a different title… Angela why are you a fuck up? This is a post you could say is pensive or whiny depending on your mood or interpretation.

Why do I make choices I know are bad for me?

Why do I lie to myself about my intentions?

Why do I make those choices then regret them and feel poorly about myself?

I know this is vague but really the choices I make that are poor are often mundane things I let eat at me. Some are huge and I know I will regret them but still. I make them, WHen I was eighteen I always said I was going to make choice in life and have no regrets, HA what a childish joke. I use to live so fearlessly. Where is that person now? Where is that girl who could be outrageous and not feel anxious the person will hate her for being herself,

All I am now is one anxiety ball that I created myself. I am such bullshit. Fuck me and my shitty ass choices. It’s time to buckle up buttercup and care more for yourself so you can forgive (see that what I did there??? you’d know if you read my last post πŸ˜€ Β ) your past and embrace your future.

Poignant picture

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photo from http://www.fullissue.com/

Being bipolar I never know what face I will be when I wake up or when my face will switch like a multi colored light. I sometimes miss the bubbly part of me I feel medication takes away but then I have moments when I am carefree and say something outrageous then regret it. I am so over critical of myself. I see that even more now as I work through a dialectical therapy workbook. This year I think my gift to myself will be to be more forgiving towards me. Hmmm… yes I like that. πŸ˜€

Busy week

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I had a busy week which was mostly non emotional. With that being said… I think my medication is masking a deep depression. I have been sleeping a ton. I’ve been coming home and laying down to rest my eyes and before I know it my alarm goes off. Last night I fell asleep on the couch. Ugh. I am not sure what to do about it.Anyway that is an update for me. Short and sweet or short and Meh πŸ˜€

One Lovely Blog Award

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Who doesn’t love awards? The very lovely bipolarallie nominated me for the One Lovely log Award. Thank you I am honored.

Here are the rules:

  1. Thank and link back to the person who nominated you
  2. List the rules and display the award
  3. Include seven facts about yourself
  4. Nominate 10-15 Β other bloggers and let them know about the award by commenting on their blog
  5. Follow the blogger who nominated you (if not already!)

Ummm facts about me…

1) I just got a new to me Doggie — a Shih Tzu named Punky. She snores so cute.

2) I asked my oldest if he wanted a FB page and he said no too much drama. Proud Momma moment πŸ˜€

3) I love texas hold em.

4) I am currently binge watching Sons of Anarchy

5) As a child I was in love with Harry from night court I always have been into older men.

6) I am way too into vaping here recently.I wish I could vape while I was working (Obsessive much?)

7) I can’t wait for the Fifty Shades Of Grey movie to come out.

My nominations are…

Bipolar Barbie-Q

Prince Charming isnt here

a single parents life

BPnurse

Take a ride on my mood swing

A Bipolars reality

Life in a bind

journalling through depression

can’t medicate life

bipolar unemployed & lost

Hope everyone checks out these other blogs. THanks for checking my blog out too πŸ˜€

Blurred life

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image

This is often what anxiety feels like to me. Life blurring and whirling around me. I can’t make it stop. The klonopone calls it or masks it but it’s still laying there in my mind. I had a birthday yesterday. I’m 38. I’ve decided this year is about calm finding in these blurred swirling mind moments.

On a side note my birthday was meh. The only real highlight was playing black Jack and Texas hold em with my boys. Oh and I allowed myself some sweat tea vodka πŸ™‚

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Hope everyone out there is doing well and fell free to share what anxiety feels like for you below.

comments, questions, random thoughts leave below and please check out my social media sites! I appreciate you all! !!!

Radiate Positivity

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image from http://www.hitachicapitaldrivinginstructorsolutions.co.uk/

 

I am trying so damn hard to stay positive. And let me tell you it is hard. I am in training, I miss my husband, my kids, and my new doggy, Who is not as potty trained as we were told. I just have to get through today then tomorrow and the weekend will be here, YEAH how is that for seeing the rainbow? bahahaha Nice try huh?

 

My birthday is saturday. Β I will be 38. I want to be 21 again but have the knowledge I have now. I don;t get why my life in my mind is harder now? Shouldn’t I have been out of control then? I feel I had it more together back then. I feel like such a disappointment it is pathetic. Not so much radiating positivity there… meh.

Alright well I’m off to training.,, here;s to praying I stay awake.