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Photographer 2.0

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How adorable and perfectly framed is this photo?

Random Dirt

Prototype

I’m going to try to make this real simple. When I began to deal with my fifth mid-life crisis and reconnect with my photography I was being swept along with all the bells and whistles of the digital world, PS actions etc. After swerving in and out of this traffic for a while I careened into some barricades of sanity and I was once again confronted with not listening to my inner voice a little more closely. So, brace up for some reality, feel free to take the grain of salt as needed.

Everyone wants the gear. The camera is simply a means to collect what you see in front of you. All the dials, buttons, and lenses are simply a way for humans to control what the camera sees. It has also spawned a culture of dial spinning, spec lusting hobbyists which are sometimes also professional photographers. [A professional…

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I have Bi Polar II

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So I left off the other day talking about how I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I talked with my psychiatrist and made him get me some kind of help. It is amazing how at first it was like they didn’t want to do anything for me. His nurse told me to go to the hospital. I had said to them that I need real help. I am begging for it as I can’t take these poor impulse controls moments and this suicidal ideation/planning anymore. I NEED HELP! I asked to be able to take a couple weeks off and go somewhere for some extensive counseling or something. I said I am taking my meds regularly and going to counseling. It is not helping. I have been through so many ineffective depression medication it is pathetic. When I was told to go to the hospital, I advised I did five months ago on an overdose. I have told the doctor this and all he did was increase my prozac. The ICU lock down doctor as I was on suicide watch stated he wasn’t going to send me anywhere on a 515o hold as the judge sends people to a hardcore psych ward and it wouldn’t be beneficial to me as I really wasn;t trying to kill myself. I just wanted to sleep my problems away. Trust me it is different as I have been to the wanting to be dead stage before. So I told her the hospital won’t do anything for me that would be BENEFICIAL. I am an educated productive member of society and I want/need help. It shouldn’t be this hard. It is soooo sad!! and with my therapy social work mental health background I know how the system works to a lot of extent I can only imagine how hopeless it is for people who are not aware or assertive.

The weird thing is I have felt since that overdose that I might be bi polar based on my education and experience. I even discussed with my blood doctor (I can’t remember the special name for them but I have severe anemia as well. I have to get transfusions of venofer which is synthetic iron every so often) if I should get my endrocrine system checked as I feel I have some real medical reason for being so depressed and then so impulsive in my actions and words out of the blue. He said he didn’t know anything about that and to keep seeing my psych doctor. (see i legit have been trying so hard to get a real diagnosis and it is so hard even in our medical heavy society) Anyway…  I never said anything to my doctor but would tell him my symptoms and that they are getting greater and the depression was coming faster then I would make a poor choice like saying shit at work that I knew to keep my mouth shut about or throwing a tantrum at home with my husband and breaking something in anger and frustration. Two weeks ago I even took a silly online test. I knew in my head I needed mood stablizer meds. I hated seeing an abilify or that kind of medicine ad cuz it would glare at me. ** you need me**** ugh! But my heart didn’t want it to be true and I wanted the doctor to decide it organically instead of me trying to diagnose myself which I can do well with others. (not bragging just saying I am pretty good at guessing a person’s mental illness) And making him give me a certain med I feel I need. I have been doing this with my depression meds and for some reason he let me bully him in one of my worked up stages right in his office. I don’t know if he just couldn’t sense my hypo mania due to it being over a tv or he is just that incompetent. 😦

So I asked for help Thursday afternoon by Friday day he decided not to let me have time off work to get some extensive counseling but to add a medication for bi polar disorder. Oh and by the way it can give you a deadly rash. Don’t you just love that shit…. but that is a rant for another day. I am scared to take it for two main reasons. You never know what the side effects will be and I am afraid once again I won’t be “better” or “fixed” and I want so bad to be “fixed” but even “better” I would be overjoyed to feel.

It is scary to right this as well. But I started this blog to follow my mental health journey and life. And well right now this is a major event in the scheme of my mental health so well.. I guess I better share it.

I have read an awesome article on the subject that makes sense and has helped me not feel so “Crazy”. It is found HERE. This is what is says about Bipolar II 

Those with bipolar II disorder don’t have such
extreme highs or manic symptoms as in bipolar
I disorder. Instead, they experience mild highs,
or hypomania. The symptoms of hypomania
are similar to those of mania, but are much less
intense and severe. In fact, people who experience
hypomania might not feel impaired at all. For
example, people who are hypomanic might be more
talkative than usual, but their speech makes sense
and seems to follow a logical pattern. They don’t
experience hallucinations or delusions. Hypomania
might make them appear more energetic or
productive. But if their illness goes untreated, they
can become severely depressed.

What made even more sense to me was this part of the article and most hard hitting was the underlined part  Bipolar Depression

Bipolar depression is a very common occurrence
in both bipolar I and bipolar II; such periods
are referred to as major depressive episodes. Most
people who have a major depressive episode do
not have bipolar disorder. However, bipolar
depressive episodes look and feel identical to other
depressive episodes, and affect virtually everyone
who has bipolar disorder at one time or another.
In fact, people with bipolar disorder tend to spend
more time depressed than manic. In both types of
the illness, bipolar depression (the lows) is more
common than mania or hypomania (the highs),
and the depressions can be quite severe, even
dangerous. Even more than typical depression,
bipolar depression is likely to be accompanied
by disability and suicidal thinking and behavior.
One thing that all types of bipolar disorder have
in common is this: people with the illness spend
the majority of their symptomatic lives below
baseline, in the low, depressed phase. Because
depression can be the more common or more
obvious part of bipolar disorder, some people
who have bipolar disorder may get treatment
for depression only, and the diagnosis of bipolar
disorder can be overlooked for years.

I am going to keep reading so I don’t feel so alone in this. My husband and Dad have been very supportive but my Mom is funny about things. She seemed to take it personal and try to find blame in her genes. It does run on her side and can be genetic but the why or how doesn’t matter. I just am over all relieved to really feel I have an answer to why I think or do the things I do. And I feel it is accurate. I have never felt that being major depressive with General Anxiety was totally right. So I will keep adjusting and working through this and will try to keep the below quote in mind and be kinder to myself. I am actually crazy but I can’t help it so it all seems ok.

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Please leave any comments or questions below :D

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I am continually one day away from a nervous breakdown

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And no matter who I ask to help me in the mental health field they act like they can’t. I have been struggling with this since I was 14 years old. I am 37 and ready to be done with the struggle. I know there isn’t a cure but there has to be some kind of help out there? I have fully empathy/sympathy for people who are far worse off mentally then me. It is a shame how we let people struggle and with us being a supposed rich country we can’t take care of our own very well. The other thing is I know I am in the wrong line of work or at least the wrong work environment. That would be more accurate but living in such a small town it is hard to find different work and of course I feel I am good at what I do. Blah. It is sad but I don’t really want my children to grow up but I also think/feel if they were grown I wouldn’t have to “trapped” and I could have more freedom as I wouldn’t have their futures and financial well being to think of. This quote above just makes me think I need to figure out a way to survive the environment and I can’t change the wind but I need to find how to adjust my sails. Is it ok to be vocal and whiny? Is it ok to say hey I feel advantaged of or is it best to just suck it up and go about my business… try to forget it all? The problem is I function on levels of time bombing. When I implode I IMPLODE and am very impulsive. Therapy has made it better but for Goodness Sake I told my elderly Grandma the other day that she is going to Hell and my Grandfather would roll over in his grave and she is murdering my Dad. Not the best move ever!!!  See I told ya when I IMPLODE I go all out!!!

Hmmm I guess my rant can be over… I have the dentist to go too which reminds me I should share the funny story how I didn’t realize it until yesterday that the dentist might have been a little over reaching when I took my kids there Wednesday and/or it’s proof I have no boundaries. I will type that up later though as it does make me giggle thinking about it but I need to get ready.

Thanks to anyone still reading!!!

And as always please leave any comments or questions below :D

Please follow me on my social media sites. I  am on my beauty youtube channel, beauty blog, tumblrtwitterFBgoogle+personal blog, youtube vlog, and instagram.

Semi Wordless Wednesday.

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Any questions or comments please leave them below. I do appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my blog. Sending positive vibes your way. :D

Please follow me on my social media sites. I  am on my beauty youtube channel, beauty blog, tumblrtwitterFBgoogle+personal blog, youtube vlog, and instagram.

Sunday Night Musings.

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I had a dream Sunday morning that stuck with me most of the day. I just had to purge it so I could sleep. That and some internet stalking. is it just me or does social media make all your regrets scream back at us? It is so easy to sneak a peek at a persons life or what they allow to be seen even if your not directly friends in things. Anyway my Sunday musings are still rattling around even on a Tuesday morning 🙂 gotta purge purge purge!

Oh and speaking of social media please stalk me on mine. My Facebook Instagram and twitter are all on the side panel 😛 TIA!

Right now

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I found this on my work desk. I can’t remember if it’s mine or if someone kindly left it for me.

Makes me ponder what is my dearest wish. I thought first of something selfish. This struggle with depression and all the shit that comes with it.

But when I prayed on it and really thought my dearest wish is even more intangible. I want to go back in time and have my son Aaron never to have cancer. Or at the very least we’d made a different choice on his second surgery. And my other dearest wish is that Aaron would not be learning disabled or e figure out how to move him forward because his iq is there.

Is any if that too much to ask?  :-[

Depression

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I am fighting off a major bout of depression. I have increasing sensations and thoughts of my usual coping mechanism and it makes it hard to hide it too often. I feel lonely and hopeless and stuck in this rut of mediocrity I do not want to be part of. I know I am meant for more but I just stay stagnant and miserable. I choose for whatever blocked reason to regret the past, haunted in dreams, let past hurts haunt me, and keep my self worth low. So I am working hard to change my thinking pattern to more positive thoughts because I can’t let the pain not let me get out of bed in the mornings. I keep plugging along as the good sane part of me knows I make small difference am not mediocre just human. I am raising good children the best I can considering they all have different needs. Like night and day my boys are and I love them. Without them I probably would not be here. I don’t let them know that though. That is grown up thoughts best left in my head most of the time.

I am just fatigued …. tired of this eternal loop of mental illness that won’t let me go. I take my medication like I should and have been going to therapy. Hell I read or attempt to read self help books. The want is there but the puzzle piece to solidify my motivation is buried under loads of excuses.

Ah well.. if anything I have learned in life is all this passes and we make our beds that we must sleep restlessly in. I am not any exception to any life rule so at least I am not alone in my mediocrity.

Any questions or comments please leave them below. I do appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my blog. Sending positive vibes your way. :D

Please follow me on my social media sites. I  am on my beauty youtube channel, beauty blog, tumblrtwitterFBgoogle+personal blog, youtube vlog, and instagram.