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I didn’t realize how unhappy I am until yesterday. I had wishes for misery on another person. Not really wishes I guess but more that I wasn’t alone in mine. She was talking about her life and unhappiness and I liked it. I feel so ashamed but it’s the truth. So I am doubly unhappy with myself. What does that say about me?
Ultimately that I need to make some changes. I need a backbone and just do what’s inevitable. Life has choices and consequences. Why does the thought of making a real choice send me into panic mode? Ugh fml
As I said yesterday I am reading Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth. I am into chapter two and my mind is revolting. The core of me wants to read more and become enlightened. Then there is a part of me that wants to not read it. Not sure which is winning. The fact I am sitting here writing this instead of reading might be a tell tale sign. lol
So far here are some nuggets I want to share that I have underlined from chapter one. This is not a book review but my sharing some mind blowing ideas I am trying to understand.
I am not sure how in blogging you are suppose to give credit but on page nine of my book he writes …”According to Christian teachings, the normal collective state of humanity is on of “original” sin. Sin is a word that has been greatly misunderstood and misinterpreted. Literally translated from the ancient Greek in which the New Testament was written, to sin means to miss the mark as in an archer who misss the target, so to sin means to miss the point of human existence It means to live unskillfully, blindly, and thus to suffer and cause suffering. Again, the term, striped of its cultural baggage and misinterpretation, points to the dysfunction inherent in the human condition.”
Boom mind blown. I have always said the bible has been re-written to fit the Catholics during the stone ages. I am not trying to get religious and argumentative in this post but people couldn’t read and it was up to the monks to translate and share with the masses. So my thinking in this passage is sin is missing out on the grace of God or the freeing enlightenment he can bring you. It’s not about being the perfect Christian but being a person who is without ego or judgement.
Page 13. “You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness.”
Ugh… I wish I could free my mind and really get deep into the passage. I always feel bad. Like I am never good enough. How do I let my goodness emerge? I am hoping the book delves more into it.
Lastly, page 14… “to recognize one’s own insanity is, of course, the arising of sanity, the beginning of healing and transcendence.”
I recognize I have a mental illness. I do not think I am insane but in the book he connects the ego with insanity and being mad. I am not sure I like those kind of terms but I think he is using it liberally. what I do like is the idea I can recover from my mental illness to the point of being free of anxiety, worry, and depression. I want those things. But ultimately how do you get them?
So this is my journey for right now. I plan on keeping writing about the book. I am hoping it forces me to stick with it. I know there are some good things I can garner from it. I am ready to be a better person and be more free.
I’m feeling down. People are a disappointment. I don’t understand human nature and I don’t think my expectations are too high. This is why it’s better to self isolate. You can’t be hurt or disappointed. I want to feel special. That’s all I’ve wanted out of life. I am probably expecting too much.
I’m reading eckhart tolle’s book a new earth awakening to life’s purpose. I just started and some of it is over my head but there have been pieces that really speak to me. It talks about mental illness and pretty much we are all mad due to our egos unless we find enlightenment. I think some of us have”real” mental illnesses. I know I do I’ve known since a teen but I think society is a little “mad” how we treat each other and the things we do.
Anyway that’s enough deep thoughts for the day 🙂 do you think we are all a little mad?
I’d love to say I’m in recovery but I really don’t know what that means for mental health. Like how can I recover from bipolar?
Also I don’t even think I know the real me. I know who or how I want to be but I’m not that person. I know my flaws. I know some good things about me but I don’t know the real me. I feel disconnected to the child I was which I would think is the real me. I was a sullen child who projected the clown. So can I even say that was the real me?
I’m 38 years old shouldn’t I know? It’s so frustrating. Any thoughts to help me figure this out please leave below.
I’m not sure what all nami does but they are right the stigma needs to stop. We are not all child abusers or murders. In fact most of us only think to harm ourselves. We are our own worst enemy we don’t need anyone’s help in that. Or maybe I should just speak for myself.
My anxiety is high today. I have a lot of driving to do this afternoon and I’ve got this dread I’m going to get in a car wreck. Though I think it has more to do with my son having a job interview and I don’t want him disappointed if he doesn’t get the job. Plus my mom is taking him so I have no control over the situation and I’ll be out of cell phone range. Ugh.
I thought instead of the usual I’d tell ten things about me today. Some you might already know.
1 I’m a Libra so I want everything to be even and fair
2 my best year was 1997 I want to relive it again
3 I think marijuana should be legal everywhere. Not because I want to partake but it would free up a lot of jail space
4 I spent six weeks in Australia and I wish I lived there I loved it so much
5 I have the boys. I think I’m raising them right.
6 I’m a social worker by trade
7 I use to have a beauty blog until I realized it was fueling my binge spending and I lost interest in it.
8 I currently take five meds my pdoc and I are working to get it to just two.
9 I grew up on a farm but I’m more a small town live in town kind of girl
10 I’m an only child and grew up spoiled financially but I feel neglected emotionally.
That was harder then I thought lol 🙂
And cuz I like visuals and meme. Here is the one for today.
Kind of fits with sharing info about myself.