Latest Event Updates

This is me right now

Posted on Updated on

image

But how do I make it worth it? I swing between passion and self doubt.

I go back to see my new pdoc tomorrow for med check. I feel something needs adjusted because I can still feel major blocks of weeks where my mood changes. Right now again klonipone is my best friend. That is not happiness.

comments, questions, random thoughts leave below and please check out my social media sites! I appreciate you all! !!!

Advertisements

Nearly wordless Wednesday

Posted on Updated on

image

Ha I know lots of people with this issue and none are someone diagnosed with a mental health disorder 😀 I’m mainly thinking of people who don’t get its a choice or that it’s not real. We are all just dramatic. Oh and the professionals are often the worst too! !!

Oh and i want that puppy. .. makes me feel calmer looking at it.

comments, questions, random thoughts leave below and please check out my social media sites! I appreciate you all! !!!

The phrase of the day is…

Posted on Updated on

I don’t give a fuck!

I’m sure everyone who happens to read this blog (hugs to you all ♥ You are appreciated) I’m on a downward spiral i feel it. I’m completely going through the motions but i know I’m a ticking time bomb. Today i no longer feel I’m the moron but every body fucking else. My husband. .. my co worker who has forced me to apply for a supervisor job because she flared up my black and white thinking, and my life in general. I’m too old to be emotionally blocked! !!

****** AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH******
OK NOW EVERYONE WHO IS WITH ME TRIBAL SCREAM TOGETHER
******** AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH *****
well that made me slightly better still can’t shake this psychic paranoia grandeur i got going on. 😥

comments, questions, random thoughts leave below and please check out my social media sites! I appreciate you all! !!!

Moron

Posted on

I keep saying this word over and over to myself this morning. It is on some infinite loop and I’m not sure how to stop it. Included with the name calling is dialogue to support this label. The list is too embarrassing to share. But in reality probably not. I am positive it is a visceral reaction to this downward pendulum i am on. And the nutrisystem my dad bought for us to kick start better eating. 

I forgot how much this side hurts. How did i pretend for years i didn’t have this nagging hatred and pain. I know i am in the cusp of greatness this year i just don’t know how to overcome these years of damage being miss diagnosed has caused me.

Therefore i am a moron. .. shoulda woulda coulda. 😦 last week i made this textgram on instagram. It’s completely where i am right now.

image

comments, questions, random thoughts leave below and please check out my social media sites! I appreciate you all! !!!

Happy Mothers day!

Posted on

Here’s my awesome family!  I know i posted this picture before but i love it too much!

image

I found this as a tribute to all the mothers regardless if birthed adopted helping a friend or family member, fur baby or even a plant. We are all doing the hardest job in the world.

image

And here is my mom and dad. I am probably four here so around 1979 or 1980. I want to have this hair color again.

image

comments, questions, random thoughts leave below and please check out my social media sites! I appreciate you all! !!!

Depressed and Angry or Hypomania and Angry?

Posted on

wpid-Screenshot_2013-11-04-06-41-26-1.jpg

Starting yesterday I felt a switch in my brain. Depression. I am filled with hatred at the world and everything in it…. including myself. It is confusing as hypo mania shows as anger as well. I am trying to have mindfulness of knowing which side of the pendelum I am on.

I do think it is depression. Suicidal ideation is back. Wanting to drink, overspend, binge, and eat klonopine. The hyper sexual thoughts are gone. The main reason I think it is the depression side. I think for the last three weeks I have been more on a hypo swing BUT maybe I have been where my “normal” is. Trying to figure this out is daunting. Trying to learn triggers is daunting. I do appreciate knowing to look for them instead of being oblivious to my true mental illness. Breaking the cycles though are proving harder.

I have always needed to feel special. I emotionally cut myself on the past trying to hold or re-capture that feeling of being important to people. My main issue and a great point hubby made on Sunday is I give so much of myself. I project this caring, loving, empathetic person. I do think I am those. I don’t believe this is a all fake. The issue is I do it selfishly and when the person doesn’t acknowledge or recipocate  the same way I am left obsessive and resentful/angered.

Thus the quote above. I NEVER know when to let toxic people go. I ALWAYS let myself take one act of attention pull me into an obsessive need to have some connection constantly. I cant get it through my mind to enjoy the moment and let it be a good memory instead of some neediness deep within that I hang my self worth upon.

I am going to put my energy (or force my energy) into productive things like cleaning my messy house and deciding what I want to add to my city wide garage sale stuff. That way I can work this shit out amd feel accomplished! Wish me luck 😀

Comments, questions, and random thoughts leave below. And my usual plug — check out my social medias found in the side bar!

#Suicide #Survival

Posted on

I could not have written it better. A must read if you struggle with suicidal thouhts

The Bipolar Bum

didntwanttodieorlive

It is the nature of the beast that when we become truly overwhelmed by depression, we begin to look for ways of stopping the pain.  We become prepared to take decisive, extreme action.

The best way to think of depression is as though it is sentient, and actively trying to subvert your thought patterns to destroy you.  Most things that feel counter-intuitive whilst depressed are usually better courses of action than the one’s that your depression will offer you.  It does not want you to behave in a way that will destroy it.

At first, the idea of self-destruction presents itself as one solution among many.  The thought for me is almost casual and I used to just ignore it.  I now take it for the warning shot that it is.  If you’re having suicidal thoughts, take that as your early-warning-system sounding an alarm.  In the grip of depression all…

View original post 379 more words