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Take a Ride on the Bi Polar Emotion Carousel

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Yes I am one of those people that uses FB to share my feelings. I have learned to set it on friends only most of the time. Oh Lordy when my hubby and I went through our separation I posted a lot of melodramatic things. Here is the status updates over the last couple of days.
February 6

Meds going well It is so great to feel better in my head 
After five days on my meds… I have my first hypo mania feelings/episode going on. This is actually a relief as one i have had a person or two tell me that bi polar 2 is the new specialty diagnosis as if they give it to anyone. (grrrrr … please do not minimize my feelings as I have known for years there was something wrong in my head) and two as weird as it sounds I was feeling so good that I was wondering if I needed to go up to a higher dose for my med as it has to go up gradually.

February 7

After five days on my meds… I have my first hypo mania feelings/episode going on. This is actually a relief as one i have had a person or two tell me that bi polar 2 is the new specialty diagnosis as if they give it to anyone. (grrrrr … please do not minimize my feelings as I have known for years there was something wrong in my head) and two as weird as it sounds I was feeling so good that I was wondering if I needed to go up to a higher dose for my med as it has to go up gradually.

Now the positive of finally getting what I believe is a proper diagnosis I can warn my family that I am in a hypo mania and the look in my eyes is neither personal or anything I can instantly change. BUT being able to label it (yes those horrible labels) makes me able to take a deep breath and ride out this wave as soon my mood will be better or switch to the other end of the spectrum and well we will have to just see… thank you hubby for being supportive for all these years with my crazy ass 

February 7

$%^%%$#*&& And now we are on the other side of the pendelum of Bi Polar the depression ugh … I will chant… I will get better I will get better I will get better. Dear Lord that didn’t take long. I totally do have the rapid fire type. BLUCK
February 8

Today I am feeling better in my head. Tomorrow I increase my dose sorta getting nervous about that. we will see  Very tired today too not much motivation etc.
a few seconds ago

Woke up very early today. Gotta love it when people treat you like shit so early in the morning. Doesn’t make you feel too good about yourself.
So this was in reference to my hubby. Duh what better way to express yourself then on FB??? I also sent him a fuck you text. He acted all concerned when I first got up then acted like I was pissing in his cereal. So yes my hypo mania is of course all riled up. This is the first time I don’t feel completely supported by him and it hurts my feelings. I keep telling myself I am taking it too personal and everyone has moods but damn it today I want to be treated with kid’s gloves and like a princess. But maybe he feels I want that all the time. I don’t know … I am fearful that now I am diagnosed he will think I use it as an excuse for bad behavior when I have been trying to ask for his help in it all.
UGH … I just want to pull out all my hair, throw up, and go back to sleep.

I don’t know what is worse the tantrums I can’t seem to stop, the over sensitivity, or the depression. MENTAL ILLNESS SUCKS ASS!
Ok rant over for now. Friday I promise a nicer post as hubby and I renewed our vows …. totally his idea… so yeah I am a shitty person for being pissy with him I am sure and I will regret it but Damn it he didn’t even tell me good bye … kiss me… or say he loved me this morning and he usually does.  grrrr!

**** And as usual my normal Pimp my social media Diatribe!

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Something Different Insightful and Fun

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If you are on facebook, then I am sure you have seen all kinds of tests to take. Today I took one that is your work type personality test.  It can be found here. 

I am the Spontaneous Idealist. Per the website and I quote….

Spontaneous Idealists are creative, lively and open-minded persons. They are humorous and dispose of a contagious zest for life. Their enthusiasm and sparkling energy inspires others and sweeps them along. They enjoy being together with other people and often have an uncanny intuition for their motivations and potential.

Spontaneous Idealists are masters of communication and very amusing and gifted entertainers. Fun and variety are guaranteed when they are around. However, they are sometimes somewhat too impulsive in dealing with others and can hurt people without really meaning to do so, due to their direct and sometimes critical nature.

This personality type is a keen and alert observer; they miss nothing which is going on around them. In extreme cases, they tend to be oversensitive and exaggeratedly alert and are inwardly always ready to jump. Life for them is an exciting drama full of emotionality. However, they quickly become bored when things repeat themselves and too much detailed work and care is required. Their creativity, their imaginativeness and their originality become most noticeable when developing new projects and ideas – they then leave the meticulous implementation of the whole to others. On the whole, Spontaneous Idealists attach great value to their inner and outward independence and do not like accepting a subordinate role. They therefore have problems with hierarchies and authorities.

If you have a Spontaneous Idealist as your friend, you will never be bored; with them, you can enjoy life to the full and celebrate the best parties. At the same time, they are warm, sensitive, attentive and always willing to help. If Spontaneous Idealists have just fallen in love, the sky is full of violins and their new partners are showered with attention and affection. This type then bubbles over with charm, tenderness and imagination. But, unfortunately, it soon becomes boring for them once the novelty has worn off. Boring everyday life in a partnership is not for them so that many Spontaneous Idealists slip from one affair into another. However, should the partner manage to keep their curiosity alive and not let routine and familiarity gain the upper hand, Spontaneous Idealists can be inspiring and loving partners.

Adjectives that describe your type
spontaneous, enthusiastic, idealistic, extroverted, theoretical, emotional, relaxed, friendly, optimistic, charming, helpful, independent, individualistic, creative, dynamic, lively, humorous, full of zest for life, imaginative, changeable, adaptable, loyal, sensitive, inspiring, sociable, communicative, erratic, curious, open, vulnerable


I would agree with most of what is said above. I always think it is funny how a lot of these online free tests can be pretty accurate. Anyway just a fun insight into my personality to intersect with the gloom of mental illness. 😀

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Is the Fog Really Lifting?

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Only four days on my new med and my mind is calming. It is very surreal. I have barely touched my Klonopine. This is a severe change as I never ran out of it in the month BUT I was slowing using up all my as needed reserve just to calm myself through the day. I also find food wise (which was a horrible toxic coping mechanism I have) the feel and need to eat is there but less aggressive. That probably doesn’t make sense but I think what I am trying to say is it is no longer an automatic impulse. And when it does come through I seem to be able to find better things to eat. Last night I felt the need/want to eat doritos. I decided to go with peanuts instead. And I didn’t over eat them and go to bed miserable. Hey any progress is freaking awesome!

Another thing I’ve noticed is when I say stupid things (and I do often) I feel the old hate myself and want to die whisper but just a nagging remnant of the illness wanting me to hate myself and care too much what others think of me. It is liberating to know with a higher dose and getting use to the new me/forgetting the old coping skills will have me NOT feel crazy.

It’s funny how I have been so great all these years at hiding it all in my head. No wonder it took so long for me to get diagnosed I don’t think I really let even my therapist in. IT wasn’t until I couldn’t keep it all in and it came leaking out that people started having no choice but to see it. Thus the saying above. Now that my mind is becoming quite I can hear the joy and hope rattling around in their. Two things I haven’t dared dream of for at least five years.

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Boy You Really Find Out Who Your Friends Are

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I told a select few about my diagnosis and how happy I am that I really feel I was diagnosed correctly.

The females were kind and understanding. The males were either meh or wanted to “lecture” me that Bi-polar is a generic favorite diagnosis now a days… like PTSD is or years ago schizophrenia was. Ummm… I get what is being said but it is very unsupportive when we are not for real friends like that. That is what I get for sharing with the wrong people but then again I don’t really feel men and women can be friends easily (once again another rant for another day) And well I don’t know what I expected.

Now you may ask why I would even tell people about my diagnosis well it was two fold. I want the support and I am not ashamed. I am relieved and probably in my Bi Polar mind I love the attention of it. It is way cooler to be bi polar then a sad gutless severe depressed suicidal person (Just to clarify I don’t think or that have that opinion of people but i said it more because I always feel that  -personally – when I get suicidally depressed. Like that is what people are saying or thinking about me.) And let’s face it I can’t keep shit in. I am a fairly open book and too much which is why I get annoyed when I think about how long it took my psych doctor to diagnose me.

Anyway for the first time in my life — not even when my son got diagnosed with cancer or I was going through my separation — do I feel I can really tell who my “real” friends are versus ones who say they want to be or pretend to be. I am too old for fake shit! And I have my own issues to deal with I can’t add on someone else’s.

Ok so I just wanted to do an update and share my newest revelation. The new med is going well. The side effects are there but weird and not too scary. Manly nausea which I am going to live with because it’s not the end of the world to feel better and sadly I want the weight lose. Not standing to eat helps with that — duh right? Though the mental illness underlying and the years of emotionally coping with food are still there quietly saying you know you want to eat then the other voice goes no.. not really. It is so weird to actually feel real hunger.

Well I should go to bed as the headaches do suck and I need some rest anyway.

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Photographer 2.0

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How adorable and perfectly framed is this photo?

Random Dirt


I’m going to try to make this real simple. When I began to deal with my fifth mid-life crisis and reconnect with my photography I was being swept along with all the bells and whistles of the digital world, PS actions etc. After swerving in and out of this traffic for a while I careened into some barricades of sanity and I was once again confronted with not listening to my inner voice a little more closely. So, brace up for some reality, feel free to take the grain of salt as needed.

Everyone wants the gear. The camera is simply a means to collect what you see in front of you. All the dials, buttons, and lenses are simply a way for humans to control what the camera sees. It has also spawned a culture of dial spinning, spec lusting hobbyists which are sometimes also professional photographers. [A professional…

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I have Bi Polar II

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So I left off the other day talking about how I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I talked with my psychiatrist and made him get me some kind of help. It is amazing how at first it was like they didn’t want to do anything for me. His nurse told me to go to the hospital. I had said to them that I need real help. I am begging for it as I can’t take these poor impulse controls moments and this suicidal ideation/planning anymore. I NEED HELP! I asked to be able to take a couple weeks off and go somewhere for some extensive counseling or something. I said I am taking my meds regularly and going to counseling. It is not helping. I have been through so many ineffective depression medication it is pathetic. When I was told to go to the hospital, I advised I did five months ago on an overdose. I have told the doctor this and all he did was increase my prozac. The ICU lock down doctor as I was on suicide watch stated he wasn’t going to send me anywhere on a 515o hold as the judge sends people to a hardcore psych ward and it wouldn’t be beneficial to me as I really wasn;t trying to kill myself. I just wanted to sleep my problems away. Trust me it is different as I have been to the wanting to be dead stage before. So I told her the hospital won’t do anything for me that would be BENEFICIAL. I am an educated productive member of society and I want/need help. It shouldn’t be this hard. It is soooo sad!! and with my therapy social work mental health background I know how the system works to a lot of extent I can only imagine how hopeless it is for people who are not aware or assertive.

The weird thing is I have felt since that overdose that I might be bi polar based on my education and experience. I even discussed with my blood doctor (I can’t remember the special name for them but I have severe anemia as well. I have to get transfusions of venofer which is synthetic iron every so often) if I should get my endrocrine system checked as I feel I have some real medical reason for being so depressed and then so impulsive in my actions and words out of the blue. He said he didn’t know anything about that and to keep seeing my psych doctor. (see i legit have been trying so hard to get a real diagnosis and it is so hard even in our medical heavy society) Anyway…  I never said anything to my doctor but would tell him my symptoms and that they are getting greater and the depression was coming faster then I would make a poor choice like saying shit at work that I knew to keep my mouth shut about or throwing a tantrum at home with my husband and breaking something in anger and frustration. Two weeks ago I even took a silly online test. I knew in my head I needed mood stablizer meds. I hated seeing an abilify or that kind of medicine ad cuz it would glare at me. ** you need me**** ugh! But my heart didn’t want it to be true and I wanted the doctor to decide it organically instead of me trying to diagnose myself which I can do well with others. (not bragging just saying I am pretty good at guessing a person’s mental illness) And making him give me a certain med I feel I need. I have been doing this with my depression meds and for some reason he let me bully him in one of my worked up stages right in his office. I don’t know if he just couldn’t sense my hypo mania due to it being over a tv or he is just that incompetent. 😦

So I asked for help Thursday afternoon by Friday day he decided not to let me have time off work to get some extensive counseling but to add a medication for bi polar disorder. Oh and by the way it can give you a deadly rash. Don’t you just love that shit…. but that is a rant for another day. I am scared to take it for two main reasons. You never know what the side effects will be and I am afraid once again I won’t be “better” or “fixed” and I want so bad to be “fixed” but even “better” I would be overjoyed to feel.

It is scary to right this as well. But I started this blog to follow my mental health journey and life. And well right now this is a major event in the scheme of my mental health so well.. I guess I better share it.

I have read an awesome article on the subject that makes sense and has helped me not feel so “Crazy”. It is found HERE. This is what is says about Bipolar II 

Those with bipolar II disorder don’t have such
extreme highs or manic symptoms as in bipolar
I disorder. Instead, they experience mild highs,
or hypomania. The symptoms of hypomania
are similar to those of mania, but are much less
intense and severe. In fact, people who experience
hypomania might not feel impaired at all. For
example, people who are hypomanic might be more
talkative than usual, but their speech makes sense
and seems to follow a logical pattern. They don’t
experience hallucinations or delusions. Hypomania
might make them appear more energetic or
productive. But if their illness goes untreated, they
can become severely depressed.

What made even more sense to me was this part of the article and most hard hitting was the underlined part  Bipolar Depression

Bipolar depression is a very common occurrence
in both bipolar I and bipolar II; such periods
are referred to as major depressive episodes. Most
people who have a major depressive episode do
not have bipolar disorder. However, bipolar
depressive episodes look and feel identical to other
depressive episodes, and affect virtually everyone
who has bipolar disorder at one time or another.
In fact, people with bipolar disorder tend to spend
more time depressed than manic. In both types of
the illness, bipolar depression (the lows) is more
common than mania or hypomania (the highs),
and the depressions can be quite severe, even
dangerous. Even more than typical depression,
bipolar depression is likely to be accompanied
by disability and suicidal thinking and behavior.
One thing that all types of bipolar disorder have
in common is this: people with the illness spend
the majority of their symptomatic lives below
baseline, in the low, depressed phase. Because
depression can be the more common or more
obvious part of bipolar disorder, some people
who have bipolar disorder may get treatment
for depression only, and the diagnosis of bipolar
disorder can be overlooked for years.

I am going to keep reading so I don’t feel so alone in this. My husband and Dad have been very supportive but my Mom is funny about things. She seemed to take it personal and try to find blame in her genes. It does run on her side and can be genetic but the why or how doesn’t matter. I just am over all relieved to really feel I have an answer to why I think or do the things I do. And I feel it is accurate. I have never felt that being major depressive with General Anxiety was totally right. So I will keep adjusting and working through this and will try to keep the below quote in mind and be kinder to myself. I am actually crazy but I can’t help it so it all seems ok.


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I am continually one day away from a nervous breakdown

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And no matter who I ask to help me in the mental health field they act like they can’t. I have been struggling with this since I was 14 years old. I am 37 and ready to be done with the struggle. I know there isn’t a cure but there has to be some kind of help out there? I have fully empathy/sympathy for people who are far worse off mentally then me. It is a shame how we let people struggle and with us being a supposed rich country we can’t take care of our own very well. The other thing is I know I am in the wrong line of work or at least the wrong work environment. That would be more accurate but living in such a small town it is hard to find different work and of course I feel I am good at what I do. Blah. It is sad but I don’t really want my children to grow up but I also think/feel if they were grown I wouldn’t have to “trapped” and I could have more freedom as I wouldn’t have their futures and financial well being to think of. This quote above just makes me think I need to figure out a way to survive the environment and I can’t change the wind but I need to find how to adjust my sails. Is it ok to be vocal and whiny? Is it ok to say hey I feel advantaged of or is it best to just suck it up and go about my business… try to forget it all? The problem is I function on levels of time bombing. When I implode I IMPLODE and am very impulsive. Therapy has made it better but for Goodness Sake I told my elderly Grandma the other day that she is going to Hell and my Grandfather would roll over in his grave and she is murdering my Dad. Not the best move ever!!!  See I told ya when I IMPLODE I go all out!!!

Hmmm I guess my rant can be over… I have the dentist to go too which reminds me I should share the funny story how I didn’t realize it until yesterday that the dentist might have been a little over reaching when I took my kids there Wednesday and/or it’s proof I have no boundaries. I will type that up later though as it does make me giggle thinking about it but I need to get ready.

Thanks to anyone still reading!!!

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