My youngest son was going through my cedar chest and found a poem I wrote that got published in a college anthology and performed during the final presentation. I’ve been looking for it awhile so I could share how this pain has been going on so long.
The very time that changed the seasons, the years. the eras
Has changed me.
I do not know
I am no longer a Gerber baby.
I am no longer an innocent schoolgirl.
I am no longer a naïve adolescent.
I do not spit up on unsuspecting relatives.
I do not play hopscotch on sunny Days
And I do not believe every man is perfect.
— Lover or not —
I don’t remember being a baby.
I rarely ponder on my childhood.
In my adolescence I remember much more.
I remember being spoiled.
I remember being deprived more.
I remember the love of my mother.
I remember the silence of my father.
I remember happiness but only vaguely.
I remember living every moment of the depression.
I remember the friends.
I remember the name calling.
I remember envisioning the gun.
I remember pulling the trigger.
I remember the pain that did not come from the gun of a sick child’s desire.
Time melts old pains with new ones, and
Time does not heal any of my wounds.
I have found that I have needs
I have wants
I have dreams
I need love
I want success
I dream of death
But enough to wonder
Would it be better?
No one understands my pain.
So much some days I can barely function.
And no one knows.
The perfect Actress
The toughest part
Is to be the shadow of the happy me.
I was seventeen when I wrote that. And to think my pain is no better. I hope my son reads it so he knows I understand but he doesn’t seem interested in it. I probably wouldn’t at his age either.
Torn into a thousand pieces
my mind is shredded
The anxiety takes hold and scratches at the tattered existence of my soul
I can barely function but some how I do
torn is my self esteem
The negativity engulfs me
Your lazy stupid worthless
Do I choose to listen?
I am a hindrance.
I feel it in my bones.
In my mind
I walk like a ghost trying so hard to be real
At every corner lies a hindrance to my dreams
Money fame love acceptance
Beyond my reach
When will I let these wants go and be at peace?
Gingerly I sit and contemplate life
Is it worth living?
The fact is I’m not sure
Gingerly I lay and dream of death
My fear of the unknowing keeps me here
The fear of not existing is greater then death
Gingerly I wait for relief
It is ever evasive
Medication takes the edge off but is no cure
Why can’t we have a cure sweet radiation would be welcomed
Gingerly I wait to live another day
If you could peek inside my mind
Would you run away or be kind?
I don’t like to be there
But it’s all I have
Day in and day out
It’s always a grind
So maybe you shouldn’t peek inside my mind