As I continue to mood swing and hate myself. I am working on improving my health overall. My Dad offered to pay for two months of nutrisystem for me and him. I am extremely grateful. I want to feel healthier. This first week is a total detox. No fruit or pre paid desserts etc. The first day … I ain’t gonna… Lie has been hard but I am holding on. Very close to my first day over, Send me positive thoughts to stay strong I really do want this but mental health related food issues are very hard to break. 😦
Starting yesterday I felt a switch in my brain. Depression. I am filled with hatred at the world and everything in it…. including myself. It is confusing as hypo mania shows as anger as well. I am trying to have mindfulness of knowing which side of the pendelum I am on.
I do think it is depression. Suicidal ideation is back. Wanting to drink, overspend, binge, and eat klonopine. The hyper sexual thoughts are gone. The main reason I think it is the depression side. I think for the last three weeks I have been more on a hypo swing BUT maybe I have been where my “normal” is. Trying to figure this out is daunting. Trying to learn triggers is daunting. I do appreciate knowing to look for them instead of being oblivious to my true mental illness. Breaking the cycles though are proving harder.
I have always needed to feel special. I emotionally cut myself on the past trying to hold or re-capture that feeling of being important to people. My main issue and a great point hubby made on Sunday is I give so much of myself. I project this caring, loving, empathetic person. I do think I am those. I don’t believe this is a all fake. The issue is I do it selfishly and when the person doesn’t acknowledge or recipocate the same way I am left obsessive and resentful/angered.
Thus the quote above. I NEVER know when to let toxic people go. I ALWAYS let myself take one act of attention pull me into an obsessive need to have some connection constantly. I cant get it through my mind to enjoy the moment and let it be a good memory instead of some neediness deep within that I hang my self worth upon.
I am going to put my energy (or force my energy) into productive things like cleaning my messy house and deciding what I want to add to my city wide garage sale stuff. That way I can work this shit out amd feel accomplished! Wish me luck 😀
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As much as I agree with the above picture. I am bipolar after all. I can’t have even a conversation with myself where I think about my joys and there isn’t a nagging unhappiness thought. When I am in a better space I might challenge myself to the above. I have tried many times and can go a week maybe two but past that… I always FAIL!
But that is probably a whole other post. I do want to focus on some positives with some reality in there. Well my perception of reality. I am bullet pointing them as well I love bullet points 😀
- I have successfully exercised the last two days with my children
- I can feel the burn in my behind and back — which isn’t a bad thing but is sore.
- I only work three days this week due to a state specific holiday on Thursday and taking Friday off
- I have specific goals I want to accomplish. As usual I am fearful I wont follow through
- I have recently re connected with a couple friends, It is comforting to know I can be loved.
- I left my comfort zone and went out in public to a mud run. It was a lot of fun. I want to ride during one!
- Come to find out my husband works with a lot of my clients. It will make it hard for me go to the social things he wants to go with.
- I am making new friends myself here locally, One is more of a business friendship and the other is a lady younger than me who reminds me of myself at 20.
- I’m not twenty.,, ok that one is more tongue in cheek but at the same time I do wish I had ome some things differently.
- I told my husband some darkness in my head and he didn;t know what to say so he yelled at me. I bawled my eyes out which of course softened his hard and he stopped yell lecture me about what I Need to do to be thinner and not knowing why my mind is so backwards.
- He did after we both calmed down make great points. He said I spend too much time giving all my light to other people and I keep all the dark to myself. It was a great ah ha point. He said it’s great that I am so caring and loving but I need to quit being this nice person, I need to be 50/50 and let myself have some of that light. Wow. I need more self analysis of this for sure.
And I do want to leave on a fun note. I have tentatively started a youtube beauty channel. My thinking is to help it supplement that blog. Here is a little blooper reel. I know most of us stay private for good reasons and I probably should with my job but I have chose not too. I had a private blog and it served a good purpose so I completely RESPECT that choice. The freedom of not being anon has it;s regrets and its rewards … ok off my over thinking this not serious video. Someone commented I am too hard on myself and I am. That is probably some of that light and dark stuff huh?
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Grrrr I wanted the link above to be a picture within the post. It won’t but if you click on the link it will bring up a calendar created by Mental Health America
Today we are to pick out a class to take. Well where I live things like that are limited. I will though go with a new found friend tomorrow to help her learn her camera. I think it follows the spirit of it all.
I am still on an emotional roller coaster I need to find a therapist to help me work though some of these things, Alas I want to do DBT but I cant find anyone remotely by me who does it. I honestly have asked anyone around me I can think of if they know anybody, No leads at all. Boo
I am living in fear. I do think that is my underlying issue right now.
I fear that if I start to eat healthier I will lose my best friend — binge eating/food.
I fear that I won’t find any recovery or that it even exists.
I fear what choices I should make for my future. I know my job can be toxic for me and I would be better mentally if I didnt have it but I am good at it AND i need the insurance. But my son has been approved for SSI and I am thinking that maybe with that added income I can get a less paying but less stressful job. I dont want to live off the government or my child and I signed up for it for his future. Here in the USA I have been told it is easier for someone to get on SSI as an adult if they had it as a child. It only took a month for him to get approved THat is how severe his disability presents on paper (and real life of course) But I need to figure out what is best for myself and my family,
I fear I won’t be able to break the emotional cutting that I tend to do. On the plus side I havent had suicidal ideation in several weeks. I noticed yesterday I had a thought about a situation i found myself in years ago not realizing my choices were escrewed by mental illness. It was very toxic but I think about this person and opening the wound that is always there. No matter the type of relationship when it ends badly there is always a barely healed… slightly scabbed wound,.
I fear I will never find hope that my son will leave a full life. I worry too much about the what if’s with him. 😦
What fears keep you up at night?
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I am thankful my fog is lifting and I have a proper diagnosis. I am not thankful for the clearer head that sees, feels, and knows all the bad choices, I made all those years trying to act as if I did not have mental health issues. I had gastric bypass five years ago. I almost died to be skinny. I went from almost 400 lbs to under 200 hundred. Then I could give a lot of excuses and some very legit ones but they won’t chance that I have gained over a hundred of it back.
I feel shame, hatred, and disgust with myself. I don’t know how to NOT be a binge/compulsive eater. I am so filled with these feelings that at 37 I am desperate to feel the release that teens and twenty year old’s do. Here is the quick thought snippet unedited I wrote yesterday.
Binge ate on chips want something d sweet bad. Now feel physically sick. .. hate myself and really want to kill self them thought of Cutting as viable way to Stop The Binge eating all i really know is I’m fucked up
Saturday, April 12, 2014 1:24pm
In the moment when I wrote this, I really think I would have cut my thigh or stomach if I knew how to do it. I thought about googling how people do it safely. WHAT THE FUCK! The thing that stopped me was if anyone on my phone or computer saw the google search then they would know my shame. I couldn’t have that as children just now reaching puberty. So I took some klonopine and slept. Today I feel the same way but it isn’t as strong. I have kept myself busy and then found this picture on facebook and decided to share my struggle no matter how embarrassing or shameful.
I want to change my eating habits. I know I feel better as I notice when I binge it causes my anxiety to skyrocket and get stomach aches. I will have my self esteem back. I will have at least one of these demons (I feel the bipolar II is chemical and biological but the eating disorder NOS and borderline personality disorder I think are more of a nurture/poor coping skills symptoms that has become a mental health illness — hope that made sense!) in recovery. Then I will believe there is a chance of recovery/remission (what ever the fuck it’s called) because I really don’t. But that is a whole other post for a whole other day.
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My son’s tumor or whatever is lighting up in there has not grown, Whoot Whoot.
So why am I in a depression tailspin today? I can;t stop crying. I called my psych dr at 8:30 this am its ten thirty no call back. WTF I could have done something bad by now. Fucking idiot.
What do you guys do to change your thinking when you are in a depression tailspin? I feel stupid as I have been on a hypomania for at least two weeks. You would think I would be watching for the down tick of it all.
Oh and my other good news is my psych eval did ‘label” me bipolar II, Binge eating, and I never even would have thought but it now makes sense… borderline personality disorder. WTF how do I deal with one mental health disorder let alone three?????
So if you want to let me know your coping skills etc please leave a comment below.
Please check out this article it is very interesting. I’m currently researching some info on how mental health issues isn’t asked for by people as my hubby wants to be supportive but didn’t understand why i can’t just be happy. How awesome would that be sign me up 😀 I know he means well i just don’t know how to get him to understand.
Any resources or suggestions would be appreciated.
Psych eval was mentally exhausting. I did a good job of trying to be frank and honest which i am not s kit in therapy unless directly asked.
She asked if i have ever been happy or remember a happy childhood and u started crying and said no. Not cuz i was abused or poor but my parents just weren’t equipped to be hands on parents. I realized that yesterday. Still if it was pine of my clients that said that i would feel so sorry for them. And i guess i now do feel sorry for that little girl I’m me. Oh shit trying up.
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