blogmas 2019

December 12 2019

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Luck

I use to be very lucky. I had a great undiagnosed life. I lived life to the fullest and had lots of friends. Since being diagnosed i don’t seem to be lucky anymore. Is it the label holding me back? I can’t seem to catch a break.

Is it that ignorance is bliss? Today i feel nothing. I just don’t give a damn. I sit here trying to feel something and i get nothing. Maybe that’s a good thing.

Do you feel like you are lucky or something different?

December 11 2019

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Somber with a dash of doubt

I am somber and full of doubt. I love Christmas but money is tight. I always get myself into too much debt by the end of the year. Then tax season catches me up to repeat again. I am determined to break the cycle this coming year. I just pray i get enough back in taxes to cover my debts.

Do you have somber doubts?

December 10 2019

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Passion

What are you passionate about? I’d say i struggle with passion in my life. I wish i was passionate about my work. I am about doing a good job but most days i don’t want to be here. I suppose i am about my blog. It’s been a constant for years. And if i think about i am music not creating but listening to it. Im more of a lyrics person. I love finding a song that speaks to me. Im passionate about raising my children right. Being the best mom i can be.

Who knew when i started to write this I’d actually find a few things. That makes me smile.

December 9 2019

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Community

We’re all want to be part of a community to feel connected. I love this community. It has been great to me and i try to give back when i can. Im also part of a community of social workers which is a hard job. It has lots of burn out and for me makes it harder to make friends.

In the new year I’d like to find another community to belong to… just not sure which one.

What communities do you belong to?

December 8 2019

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Please listen to this song. I think most people struggle with finding or sustaining love. I know i do. I just don’t know if i can love someone else when i struggle with loving myself. I want to but silly romantic movies and my past paint different pictures and screws up my expectations.

Have you been able to effectively love yourself despite being human?

December 7 2019

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Solace…

I seek solace in the daily grind. A kind gesture, a calming voice, or just plain learning to let shit go.

I know i wrap myself in a cocoon of mental illness identity. Really i should let it go. Yes i will never be cured but it doesn’t have to be my identity. I need to find solace in being me and that being good enough.

What do you find solace in?

December 6 2019

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Friendship

I use to have a lot of friends. People were always at my house then we moved to a different state and I’ve struggled to make friends. I find where i live you either grew up here and don’t need new friends or you are rich and vacation here.

Plus since my diagnosis I’ve not been a great friend. My energy level for it changes and i can’t find consistency.

I’ve recently made a friend online and i treasure that friendship. I have someone new to whine to lol. It gives me something to look forward to every day.

Do you find it hard to maintain friendships?