Self sabotage

Meds are working as best they can.  I don’t feel depressed or without joy.  Yet as usual they are not a cure for bipolar.  Nor are they able to “fix” self sabotage or maladaptive thinking patterns.  I know I’ve been talking of change a lot.  I just want to use this good med cocktail to

Making a living

This week at work has been a roller coaster. I past my six month probation period so yay. I’m getting more comfortable in it since i let go of the dislike for it. I am learning we do the best we can and that’s all a person can do. Let the rest fall into place.

Hi anxiety my old frenemy

So today the anxiety is back. Work related and money related. I am trying not to take any medicine for it and breath work through it. I have a work ethical dilemma and no matter how i play it out it’s a lose lose situation. I just want people to do their jobs and not

Not sure today

I’m not sure how i feel today. 😕 i think over all fine yet i can sense an anxiety under it all. I wonder if there is a time I’ll be who I’m suppose to be. I feel not even close to there yet. Then again who else can i be but me?

A place for everything and everything in it’s place

I am very disorganized person. I’ve spent my last two days off doing small tasks here and there. Putting off large tasks. I feel a bit numb…. stagnant. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing yet i wonder if it’s a necessary thing. When you’ve been so depressed for months to feel meh is a

I woke up this way again

I’ve have slight paranoia about death again. I’m worried someone i love will die and I’ll be shattered. I just realized the doctor upped my Buspar so maybe that will help. Time will tell. Today I’ve only managed to put makeup on for fun as usual putting off what does need done. I plan on

Fri-yay

It’s Friday and i squarely made my quota this week. Maybe once i let go of my frustrations i can do this job. The meds help me not take things personally which was part of my issue. I have a three day weekend so that’s cool. I got a comment that change does happen in

Understanding

Focus on the good. Take one day at a time. Live life by your own standards. Just be you. I’ve spent so long wanting to be anyone else I’ve forgotten how to enjoy being uniquely me. And despite my flaws and self sabotage its good to be me. I got this!

What being stable means to me

Dare i say i feel stable? It’s a little intimidating to put it into a written thought. I know i should be formulating habits now to sustain me when I’m not so stable. It’s a work in progress. Stable to me is not wanting to die… feeling joy again… and seeing positive in things. Oh

Positivity to the rescue

Welp… my car only cost me 140.00 as it started for them at the garage. I decided to have them take out the auto starter as it has given me issues for years. I’m happy i stayed positive and like the feeling. I am also trying to be realistic and know it can’t always be