Sitting scared

I have this next week off. I’m fearful I won’t accomplish what I want to get done. Then I fear the fear will win. Just silly rumination’s in my brain. I have the desire but fail at execution. I’m up early as I’m worried for my nineteen year old who woke up in his sleep being sick on my floor. I’m fearful he will have asphyxiation and die. I’m fearful of my father dying. After going to our local er and being told he has the flu and a mass on his kidney but don’t worry about it. He went an hour away to a very kind Dr staff that rediscovered a blood clot in his lung that could have surely filled him quick and that come to find out the speck of a mass per the report sent by our local hospital said he had it last year it has now grown to an inch and will most likely lose his kidney. The ct from last year was of his lungs so I’m guessing his primary only read for lung cancer and seriously didn’t read the rest of his report to tell him. It is beyond comprehension.

The new urologist needs the actual scans and since he’s had three ct scans this week didn’t want to give him another due to radiation. He felt for the most part it’s slow growing so not an emergency. He’ll wait for the scans the actual pictures from our hospital.

I’m too good see a specialist for stomach issues but I’m scared that these drs since local conglomerate will misdiagnose me. It’s a catch 22 as I don’t have a primary anywhere else.

As you can tell the theme here is fear. I’m fearful of about everything. I’m also fearful I have imposter syndrome and am actually a crap employee who will end disastrously at this new job too.

Fear is debilitating. It exacerbates my bipolar and though not hopeless leaves me feeling helpless. I am going to concentrate on making a plan on what I can control and do my best to leave the rest to the universe. But hell if nineteen children can die for no reason then what hell is the universe. What does it serve?

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