My suicidal thoughts of the other day are gone currently. I don’t know if it’s worth wracking my brain over the trigger. It was strong though but I did what was safe and reached out to my support system. I have guilt though for my children as I try to keep as much as possible from them but they live here so seeing me break down and cry couldn’t be avoided. I cried I just wanted them to have a normal mom and they both said it’s ok they will take me as I am. Such good boys. My mom came over and was on her best behavior and helped clean the house so I can get the new stove installed. And we ended up leaving the house afterwards and eating out.

I am lucky though and I’m very aware that though my circle is small. I have a support system many people aren’t that lucky.

So life has went back to being what it is. Working… covid scares… and just being me. I had such peace for so long from the acute ideation of a plan that it threw me for a horrible loop when it happened. Now I not quite worry but do wonder when it’ll hapoen again. I have to take the rose colored glasses off and understand once again a good medication regimine doesn’t stop the mind from from having bipolar. So then I think is it all a lie? What’s the point? Various things life that. I have accepted there is no cure but fuck when my mind is better then it’s not is still heartbreaking.

3 thoughts on “Limbo

  1. You’re admirable and I have a lot of respect for how you navigate your support systems. Bipolar is funny in how even when we’re ‘good/better/coping’ there’s still all these unavoidable wrenches thrown at us. I’ve been finding a mantra of ‘these thoughts are symptoms, they do not come from my true wants or values, and I will treat them with compassion’ has helped with triggered suicidal ideation, but of course those symptoms hate hearing it and try to argue. Best of luck to you, you’re in my thoughts!

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