Limbo

My suicidal thoughts of the other day are gone currently. I don’t know if it’s worth wracking my brain over the trigger. It was strong though but I did what was safe and reached out to my support system. I have guilt though for my children as I try to keep as much as possible from them but they live here so seeing me break down and cry couldn’t be avoided. I cried I just wanted them to have a normal mom and they both said it’s ok they will take me as I am. Such good boys. My mom came over and was on her best behavior and helped clean the house so I can get the new stove installed. And we ended up leaving the house afterwards and eating out.

I am lucky though and I’m very aware that though my circle is small. I have a support system many people aren’t that lucky.

So life has went back to being what it is. Working… covid scares… and just being me. I had such peace for so long from the acute ideation of a plan that it threw me for a horrible loop when it happened. Now I not quite worry but do wonder when it’ll hapoen again. I have to take the rose colored glasses off and understand once again a good medication regimine doesn’t stop the mind from from having bipolar. So then I think is it all a lie? What’s the point? Various things life that. I have accepted there is no cure but fuck when my mind is better then it’s not is still heartbreaking.