Pure hell

I just spent about fifteen minutes laying here paralyzed with the scariest thoughts one can have. Currently it has passed. It’s a testament that no matter how well you may be doing your thoughts of hopelessness and inadequacy can infiltrate you and spark your greatest fears.

I can’t seem to get over this spending money without thinking with great regret and being unable to return things. I have grandiose ideas with no follow through. What the fuck is wrong with me?

It doesn’t help I have physical pain in my back. I’m debating going to urgent care and wondering if they can even do anything to help.

Anyway I’m in a better space for now so please don’t worry about me. I really just wrote it to let who ever reads this you are not alone and to do whatever in the moment you need to do to remain safe. Your life and mine has value and I need to remind myself as well of that. Together we can survive this life.

2 thoughts on “Pure hell

  1. Your comment about spending really resonates with me because this is something that I struggle with, constantly. I am glad to hear you’re doing better. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one that fears my own thoughts, sometimes.

  2. spending money responsibly with consistency was impossible for me until i could visualize it in some form; first in a spreadsheet, later in an app and nowadays with a *better!* spreadsheet with conditional formatting. i wouldn’t feel bad about returning stuff; it’s your life, and nobody has the right to make you feel bad about things either.

    be well! ❄️

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