Please read the linked blog post above for the inspiration to this post. It has a personal account and a wealth of knowledge. She is a wonderful blogger and has insight that is affirming.
I have had suicidal ideation since my early teens. I think I would have been a self harmer if the fear of pain and blood didn’t scare me I say that because I remember being about fourteen sitting in my closet in the dark pretending to cut my wrists with a butter knife. I would do this into the early twenties before I had children. I don’t know when I stopped but I think it’s because of my children.
Suicidal ideation was a default coping skill that was my best friend. Something happened at work well I can just kill myself.. fight with them husband I’d be better off dead. Most were passive thoughts but some would find me in bed crying the pain away. See it was all about the pain in my heart soul and body to be down with my brain. I was heavily under medicated and the times I’d passively reached out for help no one wanted to label me or were equipped to see the bigger mental picture.
Finally after a stressful moment of betrayal and drama at work I wrote a cryptic text to my boss and took 6 klonopine. I then got scared of what I had done and told my then husband I was going to workout and drove myself to the hospital where they admitted me but no doctor would care enough to do the paperwork of admitting me to the psych hospital which I really did need. Though it wasn’t even close to enough to kill me I had the intent. So it was labeled an overdose and a lecture from a non mental health doctor on how I don’t want to be 72ed when I would have went voluntarily and off with my terrible husband I went home. My children had no idea and I was at work the day after feeling defeated yet going through the motions.
A year or two later I fought for that damn label to get proper treatment and was over medicated to where nothing mattered. I went off all the meds under dr control but with work and marriage issues I became increasingly despondent. I was going to kill myself rather then sirens another tortuous day living this shitty life. I had a plan but I didn’t know if it would work. Then I realized I was in real deep and over my head on thoughts I didn’t want. I took a break from work went to my car and caked the crisis hotline I told them where I was and for fear they’d send an ambulance I drove myself to the same hospital but this time very different. They found me a place and asked my mom who met me there to make a statement of my intent if they needed a judge to make me go but I went willingly. It was a great experience for me though led to the official end of my 15 year marriage. I still had a hard shit job but I could focus on me which I have since then. I use to want to go back in but haven’t in awhile as this need combination had severely reduced my want to die and the feelings of psychological pain.
I have shared this story on my blog before but I think it’s been years. I figured coupled with itsJaime post it was perfect timing to share and normalize getting to safe thoughts before we make a permanent decision.
If you have or have had these thoughts you are not alone. I’m in a good suave overall right now but I accept its one horrible day away like a person recovering from addiction to fall back down that rabbit hole. Big hugs to anyone who needs them. May you find peace.