I got this text at 521 am from my ex husband. I believe it stems from my not allowing our son to go on vacation because i can’t trust him to not drink and drive with the child. Also my youngest doesn’t want to go. So instead of putting the child in the middle i decided to be the bad guy and per the divorce decree its not his time with him. Here is the text…
I was at first devastated. And still a lot hurt. The majority of my adult life was a lie i told myself as well. He never kept a job was/is an alcoholic and looking back was very emotionally abusive. I at first felt so unlovable but my boyfriend, middle son who heard me crying through the door, and parents have told me they love me and my kind heart is easy to get to.
My oldest son can’t stand him wants nothing to do with him. My middle son who has been his favorite in the past is more forgiving and wants a relationship. My youngest could take him or leave him. I need to hold steady to the fact my children have a strong bond with me and love me. I have made mistakes but we are a close family. My heart wants to wilt and be wounded but i have to find the strength and courage to not let that happen. I do my best because i love my children enough to allow them to nurture their fathers relationship but the fact they don’t want to speaks volumes.
I’m trying my hardest to win the fight of not wanting to die because i fell my life was wasted. I know in my brain he’s not worth it but twenty years is a long time to waste on someone who says they never loved me. It breaks my heart.
Oh and the mental health stuff is bullshit. It’s a chemical imbalance that he couldn’t understand and being unmedicated the majority of the time and with my low self esteem…. i did the best i could. I always held a job to support us and have a good life. I think that’s something to recognize. I always strived to be better. Far from perfect but i did the best with what i knew.