After a week of paranoia and just heavy mental health days… it’s the weekend. I’m up early as i just can’t seem to sleep in anymore. For all my time fretting and worrying the week did go fast thankfully.
Yesterday i had a headache for most of the day but thankfully i managed to get off work early since i had worked late a couple of nights. I needed that reprieve.
My oldest son i tried to have a light conversation with and he was dismissive and then when i was like ok then leave me alone was like i love you mom and gave me a hug. He’s 20 lives here but i don’t know much about his life other then working two meaningless jobs and not focusing on a future. He is so smart he can be anything. It makes me wonder how i managed to not teach him ambition. Sigh
Then my middle son and i were having a conversation and i got frustrated with it and yelled at him that i was done with the conversation and i have a headache. He’s like what did i do wrong? I know he feels like all i do is bitch at him and I’ve come to the realization that he’s 18 not working and another child with no ambition. I am resentful as he doesn’t even to much to clean the house. I do know he has been given a shitty life as in having cancer and now a blood disorder that makes him paralyzed if he doesn’t tend to it. Which he barely does. But i feel I’ve tried to teach him preserverance despite having”bad” things happen to you. I know he was treated special as i was afraid he could die from brain surgeries too often. Yet I’ve encouraged him to have a life and be independent he again doesn’t seem to have motivation for it.
I know I’m a good mom and I’ve done the best i can but it doesn’t feel like enough. I feel guilty that my children aren’t enjoying life. I wrack my brain where i could have done something different but i also know that’s not fair. I think if they’d had a mom without mental illness or a mom who had a backbone to not be Co dependent in a bad marriage for so long maybe they’d be better off. Then i try to rationalize it that we all have journeys and none are perfect. I truly did and do the best with what i have and had. It has to be enough.
My son stayed the night with a friend but I’ve decided I’m going to be frank with him about realizing it does seem like i am bitchy with him and let him know why and that he has to do something to get out of this house. Either volunteering or a job. Or do more housework etc.
Anyway… if you get a chance send positive mojo i get the house clean this weekend as i have delivery people coming to install a new fridge next weekend and i don’t want to be embarrassed.