Pretending

I use to pretend so much better. It is exhausting to try to regulate your mood when you can’t figure it out yourself. I think I’d be considered high functioning but am i really? Is there really a thing like that when you have a severe mental disorder?

I can get to point a from b but it’s not a straight path. My house is a mess… now that i work primarily from home i don’t shower as often and let’s not even get started on laundry.

I don’t think there is a thing like high functioning… there is just pretending to be. I do desire to make real change but i feel i fail at it. I want to make clear I’m being pensive here. I’m not currently hating myself. I think I’m just disappointed.

10 thoughts on “Pretending

  1. They are rare, but I have high functioning days, like today, where I feel decent enough. The whole funeral and dr appt thing Tuesday was auto pilot, putting on the mask. Too many days are like yesterday though, too tapped out mentally to accomplish anything physically. I felt emotionally bankrupt, I had nothing to give.

    So yeah, we can have auto pilot days, good days, high functioning days, it’s all part of rapid cycling bipolar. The professionals like to say that’s not a thing with axis 2 but it truly is. I’ve had a competent doctor or two along the way who assured me it’s very real.

    What sucks the most is to be feeling decent-ish, functioning highly, then cycle downward and go splat. I hate splat. If you don’t know something good you can’t miss it. But feeling good only to have it ripped away for no reason…The worst.

    Think we just gotta keep going. It truly is exhausting trying to pretend not to have a mental illness.And we don’t even do it for ourselves is the sad thing. We put on the mask so others don’t have to contend with our illness and that is bloody sad. They’re the weak ones, not us, we live truth, they live in denial.

  2. I agree with Josh’s comment that if you’re functioning, you’re doing a good thing.

    This post reminds me a lot of conversations I used to have with my best friend. I know you’re not looking for advice, but something I used to tell her was that I needed her to get up and do something for at least ten minutes per day. It sounds silly, I know. 10 minutes. But it’s just 10 minutes and it can help your mood a lot, even if it just for those 10 minutes.

    Anyways, feel free to ignore me if this sounds stupid. I know everyone’s coping mechanisms are different. Her’s may not match yours. I just wanted to say something because I’ve had all too many discussions with her that this post reminds me of.

    Sending you love.

  3. What’s wrong with simply functioning? You/we don’t need to be “on” all the time. Let “functioning” be the default setting, and anything more than that is a good thing, but not a requirement 🙂

    I’m also currently running on autopilot. I work, I come home and make something fast for dinner, and I procrastinate on doing the hard things. Sometimes, I don’t do anything. Sometimes I’m super productive. But as long as my functioning days outnumber my nonfunctioning ones, I’ll take it as a win.

  4. I think maybe if we accept ourselves as we really are it may help… at least that sounds good… I’m still working on it though… then again maybe accepting myself as I am is the problem itself… perhaps I should try to be someone else… Queen of my own island sounds good… this is why I never profess to be a self-help guru 🙃🤔

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