Today is a bonus day off work. I’ve managed to accomplish some housework.

Now I’m sitting here trying to remember who i use to be. The good and the bad. I think of my marriage and the damage i did to my children staying so long. He once told me he never really loved me and yet i stayed.

I’ve learned you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. The thing is my self worth which at times was very good when manic was more often toxic. I know you can’t keep holding the time wasted against myself. Still who would i be if i knew years earlier i was bipolar? Who would i be?

All in all I’m who i am now… the good the bad the ugly… I’m just a human with flaws. I live this life one breath at a time and that has to be good enough.

5 thoughts on “Toxic

  1. Bill Hicks once said that we are motivated by fear and love. When we’re motivated by both simultaneously, it can lead to stalling. I wonder what my 18-25 would have looked like if I had been diagnosed correctly as bipolar or if my addictions, which were in full swing, had been recognized by anybody. But I can either waste more time lamenting that time I missed, or I can do something with the time I have left. Manic can suck…or it can be used for good. It’s just a matter how you look at it.

  2. Flaws develop character. Flaws teach us who we want to be. Be good to yourself. I know it’s easy to think of the what if’s, but realistically the ‘Who would I be’ will only ruin your psyche. Think of who you are now and who you can be.

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