I feel this way often. I wonder how I have so much chaos in my mind but I still carry on. I don’t know if my medication cocktail is cutting it. I slept twelve hours yesterday. Did I need the sleep or am I depressed? This is the crux of mental illness we feel the need to question everything… Every thought every motive every positive and negative. I question constantly yet I survive and eventually get things done.
I have control issues but I am wondering if it isn’t a self preservation thing. I control so I don’t get triggered and go down that dark path. Yet nothing but my secondary reaction to things is in my control. You may ask secondary? Yes because our primary thoughts I feel the majority of the time can’t be predicted or controlled but how we handle them can be.
Lastly… This is a reminder to myself and anyone reading this. Maybe you aren’t important to the one person you want to be but I guarantee you are to someone else. We just have to look outside ourselves and be open to others we never felt were a possibility. I’m not taking just lovers but in friendships as well. You never know who might be a life saver.