feeling self destructive

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I want to drink too much. Have random sex. And just generally be self destructive. I want to binge eat and purge but I can’t stand puking. A personal flaw I often feel. I don’t think it’s that I don’t give a fuck like I said in my last post. I think I’m feeling too much. I’m feeling unhappy uneffective unloved. I am broken beyond repair. It’s not even that my new relationship had a falling out. Things are great. I’m pretending like everything is awesome. I don’t want to scare him off. This feels beyond depression or maybe depression adjacent. I don’t feel hopeless though I’m having thoughts of wanting to cut my wrists. I know I need to be strong for my son. I know there are bigger things then me going on in this world. I can’t get outside this desire to self destruct. I also know I won’t. It’s not like when I went into the hospital. I feel in control. I just feel too much. And no one to hug me and say it’ll be ok. I don’t want to be alone but here I sit. I miss having friends to come over. I want my life back before my mental illness took it away. 

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7 thoughts on “feeling self destructive

    Kay said:
    December 16, 2016 at 5:51 pm

    I wish I could be there to give you a big bear hug, I can tell you though, everything is going to be okay. Keep fighting. Keep thinking the positives, your son. YOu can do this! ❤

    Culbert Sinnsen said:
    December 16, 2016 at 10:22 pm

    Wow, I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. It sounds so similar to what my best friend deals with when it comes to your bf. It seems as if you are making the right decision.

    Culbert Sinnsen said:
    December 16, 2016 at 10:24 pm

    Well crap, that was to a different post.

    I know what you mean about feeling the way you do. After greeting my kids and making myself a pizza, I have spent the entire night down in my room.

    milliesmiles said:
    December 16, 2016 at 11:41 pm

    You’re not alone. Being Self-Destructive gives me a feeling like at least im alive. I’m not saying it’s good of course, but i can defiantly relate;p

      socialworkerangela responded:
      December 17, 2016 at 8:51 am

      It’s probably good I don’t have the means to totally self destruct.

        milliesmiles said:
        December 18, 2016 at 12:06 am

        this is true. another day a battle. another day stronger

    manyofus1980 said:
    December 30, 2016 at 5:51 pm

    I feel your pain. feeling that way a lot lately myself. Your not alone. xxx

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