recovery

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I realize I had to hit rock bottom of hatred for myself to pull myself up and learn to love myself. Probably sounds silly but I think very truthful. I can’t say I love myself right now but I do like myself and I couldn’t say that in years. I also see how important my kids are to me and though I am a great mom for what I go through in life I could be better. I do now see that recovery is achievable not all the time… We aren’t talking about a cure but the ability to be more aware of what one needs in life and not afraid to ask for it or go after it. It may seem like one step forward two back but I think it’s more like five forward one back then maybe the forward two back etc. The progression is often slight with occasional larger steps in there if we are in a good place to be open to it. Which frankly sometimes I am not. 

Today I’m not having a good day or a bad day… Just a day and I have to be ok with that. At least the ones I love… Including myself are alive and doing well enough. I have some worry and without my meds I’m sure I’d still be depressed but I take them so I’m not. Anyway I think my point is I need to see recovery as having regular manageable days not perfect non mental health issue person days because frankly that will never be me. 

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